For as long as mankind has used paper to record things on, mankind has struggled to fasten two pieces of paper-based canvas together. Then, along came the stapler and its ammunition of choice, the staple. Staples quickly earned the cultural zeitgeist and dominated our lexicon. Think about it, there is a major retail chain named after the device that fastens paper together, there is an entire sub-plot to OfficeSpace regarding one man’s quest to retrieve a stapler, we have even given a saying to the fastener (for example “Ketchup is a common staple in many American kitchens”). However, all of this attention garnered has missed one very large point; they are vastly inferior to paperclips in every way.
Paperclips are gentle fasteners that gently hold loose papers together. Their kind presence offers the much-needed fastening without the violent intrusion the staple forces upon your document. When a paperclip is no longer needed, it can simply be removed without anyone ever knowing it was there in the first place. Staples on the other hand leave a permanent scar upon the papyrus which can never be undone. Some states even forbid the use of staples on such precious documents such as motor vehicle titles, due to the wonton destruction brought upon by the staple.
Paperclips are also far more environmentally friendly. A staple is a single-use item, there is no way to re-use a staple after its initial task is complete. Staples are no better than that “disposable” coffee mug you plunked down $4.79 for at an over-priced and exploitative coffeehouse for. Paperclips, on the other hand, once removed from a stack of important letters, can easily be stored or applied to another deserving stack of pages. There is a far better efficiency gain to be had with using the paperclip over the stapler, bar none.
Staples are also one-trick ponies. All they can do is permanently attach together. Whether it be paper or human skin in the medical field, or shingles to a roof, staples can perform only that singular task. Contrasted with the paperclip, the paperclip can be chained together with other paperclips, unfolded and used as anchors for small objects (especially in aquatic situations), used in arts and crafts (would you let your small child use a stapler unsupervised?). Once unfolded, a paperclip can even be re-contorted back into its original form and still perform it’s intended task to a reasonable degree. Try doing that with a staple!
Paperclips are also stand-alone fasteners. Open a box of paperclips and you can grab any of them and immediately start tethering vital documents together. Staples on the other hand need to be loaded into a stapler. A staple without a stapler is just literal scrap metal, worth less than the box it was shipped in. These staplers are also spring-loaded, which presents an inherent safety risk of an accidental release of pressure. By their very design, the tips of a stapler can-and have-easily torn into human flesh. Your fingers are much safer handling paperclips in lieu of staples. Staplers also have been known to jam and clog at the most inopportune times. Staplers can be difficult to repair, further compounding the risk of injury and the cost of replacement. Why anybody would bother with the risks that are introduced with all of this auxiliary equipment is, quite frankly, beyond me.
Paperclips have been scrutinized a lot more in the common media. Microsoft had a friendly paperclip-based figure in the early 2000’s who only desired to help users of Bill Gates’ brainchild understand the program better. Sadly, the paperclip was met with a widespread yet undeserved scorn. No matter if their users were White or Black, Christian or Jewish, Republican or Democrat, seemingly everyone united in their mis-placed hatred of that digital fastener. Guys, he only wanted to help! Let’s also not forget in an iconic episode of DragonBallZ, where Vegeta fought Android 18 on a winding side-street when suddenly a delivery truck driver was obstructed by their brawl, unable to make his much-needed delivery of paperclips. This aspect of the Android saga was very much downplayed in Akira Toriyama’s vision. Such a blatant display of fastener-based discrimination should not be tolerated by polite society.
It’s time we fall back in love with the paperclip. Are you a commitment-phobic man in his 20’s? The paperclip will never push for a permanent commitment, though the stapler will. Are you an artist looking to spice up your work with a splash of color, or an office administrator looking to color-code a variety of documents? Paperclips have you covered, though staples display an under-discussed absence of vibrance. Are you an outdated crime-fighter, in need of a versatile fastener? Your survival fares much better odds if you have the paperclip in your arsenal, as opposed to the mono-purpose staple.
For all the afore-mentioned reasons, we should all emulate the paperclip; willing to help, immediately available to perform a variety of tasks, not introducing a needless risk to others, and so much more.
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