Ask 10 different people to define the term socialism for you and you’re likely to get 11 different responses. Merriam-Webster uses a definition regarding government control of the means of production, which gives off an authoritarian vibe (hint: that’s because it is). However, Encyclopedia Britannica uses a definition that is heavy on community ownership, invoking images of a hippy commune rather than those of an Eastern European bread line. Bernie Sanders rose to fame in the 2016 campaign for his use of the term democratic socialism, which inherently depends on capitalism, as its merely an extension of FDR’s New Deal. With all of these differing views of what socialism actually means, conversations involving the term are rarely productive mostly because nobody is on the same page. However, I (and I alone!) have the singular definition to unite everybody once and for all. After all, I have the special sauce when it comes to wordplay.
Essentially, socialism means government spending that doesn’t benefit me [the speaker]. That’s all there is to it, no lengthy manifesto or Ph.D dissertation required. For example, are you a 25-year-old lamenting the social security taxes deducted from your paycheck? Feel free to rant about those grey-haired socialists, since you aren’t benefitting from that government spending. Another example: are you financially comfortable, yet the person ahead of you in line at the grocery store is using an EBT card to pay for their groceries? Clearly, this is socialism because you aren’t receiving food stamps. Do you live in a home that you pay for all on your own? Then clearly public housing is socialism to you.
However, and this is crucial; it’s not socialism if you (the speaker) are the recipient of the government spending. Did you receive a stimulus check from the government in 2020? Then you cannot claim it’s socialism; you can say Well, times are hard and I need this, but you can’t say it’s socialist. You may complain about social security taxes being socialism for your entire working career, but the minute that first government checks hit your bank account, it’s no longer socialism. Government spending that you directly benefit from is merely a fair and equitable redistribution, a helping hand, a safety net, or whatever nonsense rationalization that can come up with (just keep in mind, that’s all it is; a rationalization). Truly, it’s the mental gymnastics, hypocrisy and the one-way attitude that make this definition work.
There is one caveat to this definition of socialism; it only truly considers the direct receipt of the government spending, regardless of any wider benefit to society. A homeowner can still cry socialism at the Section 8 complex built near them, yet the homeowner still benefits indirectly by not having so many homeless people in their community. The classist bastard still gets to complain about socialism when his laid-off neighbor receives unemployment checks even though unemployment payouts stimulate the economy. The solvent taxpayer can still whine about socialism in the form of food stamps, even though he benefits from his neighborhood not devolving into food riots like Venezuela did.
The final nail in the coffin for this definition is the gross lack of empathy. The focus of this definition is entirely on the person using the term socialism, and to hell with everybody else! George Carlin has a famous bit about the lack of consideration for others; my shit is stuff, and your stuff is shit. After all, we aren’t known for our empathy. Seriously, we even murdered a harmless robot.
Bring this definition of socialism with you to your next political debate, just make sure to leave your empathy at home…
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