During the time I spent writing my second book, a grand social movement occurred that transcended both technology and sports. I’m of course referring to the proposed MMA match between Elon Musk and Da Zuck. The hype surrounding this fight absolutely exploded; UFC President Dana White is interested in promoting the fight and there were even talks of the event being held at the at the Colosseum, though the killjoy Italian government has refuted this claim. However, one fight does not make a card, and I am more than willing to help lend a hand in curating the matches.
But first, I’ll need to set forth my thought process. First, since all of these contestants are billionaires, offering a standard fight contract will not work. After all, the median annual pay for MMA fighters is only $44K, which would barely cover the costs of a flight on a private jet. Therefore, instead of money, we’ll offer a different carrot, something that both contestants would value much more than a pitiful UFC paycheck. Next, I’ll pick opponents that would have a legitimate reason to compete against one another; it’s unlikely we’d ever see one of the Koch Brothers square up against Rupert Murdoch. Lastly, I’ll attempt to guess the outcomes of all of these fights, given what information is available on their height (a useful proxy for boxing reach), diet/fitness habits, age and other miscellaneous factors. I won’t bother attempting to guess whether any sane commission will sanction these fights, because if Elon versus Da Zuck can get greenlit, then basically anything is on the table.
The main event itself of course needs to be Elon vs Da Zuck. One of my preferred podcasters Lex Fridman holds a black belt in jiu-jitsu and has held training sessions with both billionaires. Elon and Da Zuck have been spatting at one another for years. Originally Da Zuck grew frustrated with the South African billionaire over a SpaceX rocket carrying a Facebook satellite exploded, a total loss that Elon merely shrugged off. Elon then deleted the SpaceX Facebook page after finding out about the Cambridge Analytica scandal. Fast forward to today and Elon is angry with Da Zuck for launching a Twitter-clone social media app. So, there is clearly some wagyu beef between the two tech titans. As for the stakes, we can make it interesting; winner keeps their monopoly on the tone-deaf micro-blogging space. Many pundits (eww…pundits) have given the early edge to Elon. However, I’m going to disagree and give the edge to my man Da Zuck in the main event. Elon conditioning seems to be questionable at best, while Da Zuck has won a few lower-level jiu-jitsu tournaments. Da Zuck likely wins a later round submission, thus preventing this from ever going to the judges scorecard. Sorry Elon, at least you’ll still have Mars and the EV market!
The co-main event will feature two ideologically opposed billionaires. For this one, I propose George Soros versus Rupert Murdoch. Murdoch earned his vast fortune as the founder and CEO of the Fox media empire, including its flagship channel Fox News. Soros on the other hand has made his vast fortune as an institutional investor. Given how radicalized America is (and boy, do I love some radicalization!), this fight should be an easy sell. Soros has a long history of funding left-leaning political candidates at many levels of government. On the other hand, Murdoch is quite fond of funding those on the political right. The stakes of this fight would be easy; the loser of the fight has to give up making political donations for the rest of their lives. Given that the two billionaires are of a similar age and height, this would indeed be a fair match. Verdict: This bout would be a little too close to call, though violent riots in the street will occur regardless of who the winner is. Admittedly, having two 90-somethings wail on each other for our amusement is surely going to encourage at least some of you to start sharpening your pitchforks.
On the undercard we’ll have a bit of a sleeper match. I’d like to propose Tom Steyer versus Michael Bloomberg. This matchup is a bit of an odd-ball at first glance; they have little known history of bad blood nor a major ideological clash, and their net worths certainly aren’t in the same league with one another. However, given that both of these billionaires have had spectacularly unsuccessful presidential campaigns in the last few election cycles, the stakes would be clear; winner gets the Democratic nomination for President. Given that Biden’s approval ratings are abysmal, this isn’t really that outlandish of a stake to offer. While Bloomberg has the net worth advantage, Steyer has the age advantage being 15 years Bloomberg’s junior, and that is certainly going to help with endurance and agility. Verdict: Look for Steyer to push the pace early on against the former NYC mayor, however, we can’t completely count out Bloomberg either. I give Steyer a 70% chance of victory via judges’ decision.
An honorable mention that we’ll sadly never get to see is Bill Gates versus Steve Jobs. The Walter Isaacson biography of Steve Jobs noted several meetings between the two tech titans throughout the 80’s and 90’s. One theme was consistent of their younger run-ins; Jobs was furious at Gates. The reasons for Jobs’ fury varied; intellectual property, lack of cooperation, launch dates, et cetera. One thing remained consistent was the Jobs frequently lost his cool while Gates shrugged off his contemporaries’ concerns. The stakes we would’ve offered them would be the loser disrupts another industry. Gates handedly won the net worth and the philanthropic battles, though that wouldn’t have saved him in the octagon. Jobs was a noted vegetarian for most of his adult life who was known for practicing meditation and yoga. That conditioning and flexibility is going to given him an edge over the much shorter, Diet Coke-guzzling Gates. Verdict: Jobs likely would’ve won an early KO win over Gates in a lopsided match.
I’d certainly buy a pay-per-view of the event, and you can even come over and watch it with me, just leave your socialism at the door…
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