While I remain steadfastly committed to being a hard-hitting nonfiction writer, I’ll take this chance today to dabble in fiction. This article is inspired by my recent NostradAmish article and a desire to expand on the NostradAmish fictional universe. I expect many of you to sharpen your pitchforks regardless of any disclaimers that I write, so I won’t be writing to win any popularity contests (but then again, do I ever?). Needless to reiterate; this is purely fiction. Who knows, maybe Marvel will pick up the rights to NostradAmish!
Jim Cramer wiped the sweat off of his brow as his CNBC segment ended. Over the past year his pundit career has taken a beating as the internet has immortalized his notoriously inaccurate predictions. In fact, an entire sub-industry sprang up that profited by picking against him. Moreso, popular opinion turned against the long-tenured pundit (eww…pundits) as his recent track record had been less than stellar. He retreated into his private talent trailer where he read a newspaper article about the incomparable super hero NostradAmish and his ability to see the future. This is utter nonsense Cramer thought to himself as he crumpled up the paper and angrily chucked it into the trash barrel nobody can see the future. Cramer continued This arrogant asshole thinks my line of work isn’t a ‘real job’. Cramer took a bite of his sandwich and further posited to himself If I had that power, I’d be on top of the world! Every pick of mine would be a winner!
Cramer nearly choked on his sandwich as he realized that potentially trillion-dollar idea that he just stumbled into. That’s it! I’ll steal FutureSense for myself! I’ll make the King’s Ransom and repair my reputation at the same time! Cramer went home to his Bruce Wayne-esque manor and immediately retreated into the BatCave he had hidden in his basement. He barked at his underpaid assistant “I need the power of FutureSense, and I need it now! Come up with a contraption to steal it from NostradAmish!”
“But sir” the British butler retorted “Dan has already been over this, you just have to read Freakonomics, play Metal Gear Solid games, and watch game film of”
“Metal Gear Solid games? I don’t have time to develop FutureSense!, the studio exec’s are going to have my head if I keep making CNBC look like a circus! If I lose my pundit job, I’ll have to go back to being The Man in the Arena!” Cramer protested.
“That doesn’t sound so bad sir, you could easily make a” the butler replied as he was cut off
“I need to steal it, and I want it ASAP!” Cramer angrily snorted “Do I make myself clear?”
“Like 80-proof vodka, sir” his faithful servant replied as he headed off towards the BatCave Development Lab.
Meanwhile, a bearded Adam Driver (playing yours truly of course) is approached by the local media after he saves the day yet again. After the journalist asked him the details regarding a group of street criminals he just apprehended, the conversation turned noticeably lighter.
“So, Mr. NostradAmish” the journalist started
“Please, call me NostradAmish, no need to be so formal!” the hero replied.
“Right NostradAmish, so if you can see the future, what do you think about the latest hot new crypto, LitLoot? All of the influencers have been raving about it.” The reporter inquired.
NostradAmish put his hand up to his temple and went silent for the moment as he bobbed his head; after all, he needed to put on a good show for the camera! He used FutureSense before replying “The influencers minting this coin will be the only whales on the market. They’ll use their popularity to lure suckers into the scheme. After speculation reaches critical mass, the influencers will sell all of their coins, then lock all transactions for a few hours, hence preventing others from selling to recoup. Coffeezilla will investigate, though ultimately nothing will come out of it from a law enforcement perspective.” NostradAmish removed his hand from his temple.
“Wow, that is oddly specific. We’ll hold you to that, NostradAmish!” the reporter jabbed back.
“Last one out is a rotten investor” NostradAmish’s quip elicited a group laughter akin to the end of a Scooby Doo episode.
A week passed by and the launch day of LitLoot arrived. The influencers pumped up the barely-functioning crypto as all of their mindless sheep across their varying social media platforms rushed in to buy. After a sufficiently large market cap amassed of the coin that nobody has ever used to, you know, actually buy something with, the influencers promptly made their exit in a pre-coordinated and simultaneous sell-off. The whales had exited and had made sure to delay the retail investor’s ability to sell their coin just long enough after them to guarantee that LitLoot would be all but worthless after the market realized the rug pull.
News of the LitLoot scandal hit the media, and a junior news anchor at CNBC was reporting the facts of the story, including the FutureSense prediction by NostradAmish that panned out. The TV screen went black inside the BatCave-like basement of Cramer. He shut off the TV and he threw the TV remote across the room in a fit of rage. “He can even use his power on the Crypto market too!!” Cramer yelled as his blood pressure rose considerably.
“Sir, I have some news” the exploited butler proclaimed as he entered the foyer
“By God, this had better be good!” Cramer answered, the stress in his voice was readily apparent.
“The device is done, sir. We have spent countless 19-hour nights to come up with a way to steal FutureSense from NostradAmish” The butler revealed the device to his demanding boss. “It may look like an ordinary police taser for use in riot control, because at first, it is.” The butler sees Cramer’s facial expression about to drop into a rageful diatribe before he continued “but then after delivering the electrical shock via the node connected to the wire, pull the second blue trigger to begin the extraction of FutureSense, it should only take about sixty seconds to complete the transfer of his power into the empty cartridge.” The poorly-treated butler further explained “Once full, just attach a needle to the end of the cartridge, and then inject the contents of the cartridge into your forearm to complete the process.”
“Whatever-the-hell-your-name-is, you are” Cramer hesitated “a damn genius! Now, we just need to hire some local street thugs to zap NostradAmish and then the ability to salvage my pundit career will be all mine!” Cramer started laughing maniacally.
Several days later, NostradAmish was out for patrol, as he was obligated to spend a certain number of hours each week patrolling the streets, lest he lose his super hero license. As NostradAmish paced the streets he mulled to himself This is bullshit, I bet The Hulk doesn’t have to put up with patrol duty! Suddenly, FutureSense goes off as a gang of thugs emerges from a back alley. FutureSense told NostradAmish to duck to avoid the baseball bat being swung at his face, so the hero ducked and then leg swept the first assailant. The fight escalated from there, FutureSense was able to keep NostradAmish safe from one second to the next, though his power wasn’t geared towards a successful 5-on-1 combat scenario. For the moment, all NostradAmish could do was dodge and counter, though mounting an offensive of his own proved difficult against the numbers. Finally, one hoodlum swung the baseball bat at NostradAmish, the hero ducked but, on his descent, he felt a sharp pain shoot through his body as he collapsed.
“Fuck yeah! We got ‘em!” one of the criminals celebrated. He had landed the taser electrode into the back of NostradAmish and delivered a stunningly harsh electric current into the low-level Marvel hero. Now that NostradAmish was motionless, the criminal pressed the second trigger. The bearded Adam Driver could only feel a sudden migraine for the next few moments. The criminal watched the small cartridge fill up. “Alright, we got this shit, let’s bounce” the lowlife announced as the street crew ran off.
NostradAmish awoke in a hospital bed. The attractive nurse had given him the rundown of what happened, he had only been out for a few hours, and thankfully suffered only minor defensive wounds from his patrol encounter. However, he had noticed that he was unable to use FutureSense. Suddenly a representative from the Avengers walks in to deliver some more news; the thugs had taken FutureSense, though thankfully NostradAmish’s power would regenerate within a week. The cute nurse and the Avengers representative walked out of the hospital room. NostradAmish looked up at the TV in the room; Mad Money was on. Jim Cramer started predicting that the price of oil would rise, and this would impact the shipping sector, causing FedEx’s stock to go down.
Over the next few days, Cramer’s intuition came to fruition. I guess a broken clock is still right twice a day, NostradAmish thought to himself as he gave little regard to the bald pundit. Towards the end of his segment, Jim Cramer started positing about the low yields of corn from the Midwest causing a rise in the price of Coca-Cola. Cramer stopped and turned towards the camera with a sinister grin.
“I’d also like to say that there is no room for vigilante’s or so-called heroes in our modern society. Furthermore, anyone saying that the future can be predicted is a goddamn lunatic!” The out-of-nowhere proclamation stabbed NostradAmish in the chest like a cold dagger. While this wasn’t definitive proof, NostradAmish had a lead.
NostradAmish’s FutureSense had recuperated to the point of basic function over the next few days, though he still wasn’t 100%. NostradAmish took the time to stake out the CNBC studio over the next few days to observe Cramer’s entry and exit routine. One night, Cramer left the CNBC studio and drove to his Wayne-like manor as NostradAmish followed. The protective gate was closing behind Cramer’s car as NostradAmish got out and made a run for the gate. Besides, it’s not like he had landmines adorning his property or anything. Cramer descended into his BatCave, with NostradAmish quickly tailing. Cramer walked into his grand foyer, stopped, and then slowly turned around, signaling that he knew NostradAmish was there.
“Guards, take care of this uninvited guest” he snaps as his goons came out of the woodwork. FutureSense went off, assisting NostradAmish to defend himself and counter the guards’ maneuvers. NostradAmish approached Cramer. “You know NostradAmish, this power isn’t even all that great anyways; I can’t even see the price point of the 90-day soybean futures market! What kind of a waste is this?!?!?” Cramer continued “I can’t even tell if the Southeast Asian bond market will reach B-rating by the end of the quarter or not!”
NostradAmish just laughed “You just don’t get it at all, do you?” Cramer looked puzzled as the hero continued, “FutureSense works on people, local-scale events, or broad trends.”
Cramer’s confusion turned to rage “So you mean to tell me FutureSense can’t even sense the future! What kind of malarkey is this? Well how do I tell what the airline derivatives market is going to do in six hours, or how the CEO of a Wi-Fi toaster company will respond to the rising cost of South African made semiconductors?”
“By studying” NostradAmish quipped. The bearded hero noticed the Taser-like contraption that originally started this whole ordeal sitting on Cramer’s desk. Cramer’s FutureSense went haywire, though he was stunned in fear. He knew what was coming though he was powerless to stop it. NostradAmish picked up the taser, aimed it at Cramer and fired the second trigger. NostradAmish decided to spare Cramer, a middle-aged man, the painful electric current. After all, he just wanted the rest of his power back. The electrode connected and quickly filled up the cartridge as Cramer’s stolen FutureSense exited his undeserving body. Once the cartridge was done filling, NostradAmish detached the cartridge, slid it into his pocket, and began to walk away.
Cramer yelled out towards NostradAmish “Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
NostradAmish retorted “Get a real job, you pundit” as he traversed into the night.
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