At the risk of sounding like a broken record; yes, you read that right and yes, I’m serious. This is an idea straight from my noggin that PBS can feel free to use in an upcoming episode of the Muppets. I’m aware that the usual writers for the show are a bit rusty right now and could use my help, despite the fact that I don’t really do fiction. Just hear me out before you go to your shed to sharpen your pitchfork; this could actually work.
The Muppets sparked a major controversy a few years ago when the iconic couple split. Truthfully, Kermit is better off without Ms.Piggy’s constant toxicity; he deserves better. However, since Ms. Piggy is shallow and vapid enough to eternally chase trending status on all of the platforms, including the Chinese Communist Party’s dance app, then she has no choice to put her dignity aside to do so. That includes working with some shady characters, which sets up this story perfectly.
Seriously, let’s not pretend to be puritans regarding the live guests of the Muppets. After all, the Muppets have had Sylvester Stallone on the show before, and he’s been accused of sexual assault several times. Want more proof? Bill Cosby was on the show before as well, ditto for Woody Allen. So evidently, PBS is okay with letting sexual predators onto The Muppets. Now that we’ve established that the government studio suits are willing to green-light anyone with a big enough platform, let’s move on, shall we?
Anyways, we can start the scene with Ms. Piggy enjoying a night out on the town. Her fame has been on the decline the last few months due to [insert made-up and irrelevant reason here], so she decides to go to the club to let off some steam. She rudely plows and bullies her way to the front of the line and demands entry; this is very in-character for her. Given that the nightclub industry is a shallow one, the club lets her in since having a celebrity on site is good for business. Ms. Piggy hits the dance floor for a little while, and then decides to hit the VIP section; she’s supposedly big time, after all! However, upon entry to the VIP section, she notices that there is already another party there; Andrew Tate and his entourage, surrounded by a bunch of younger models.
At first, Ms.Piggy’s jealousy and her narcissism get the better of her, as it often does. However, she realizes that Andrew Tate is a marketable brand, and being seen out in public with him would boost her on the algorithms and in the tabloids, her career ambitions will not let her turn this opportunity down! So, she steps into the restroom to fix her makeup, lather herself in some perfume, and then she approaches the Tate table.
Tate is leaning back into his plush VIP seat as he lights up an expensive cigar. Ms. Piggy stammers out some clunky line to attract his attention; she is used to being approached, and hence she’s a bit uncomfortable with the shoe being on the other foot. Tate glances at some of his entourage members, nods and laughs as he rudely shuts down Ms. Piggy; she isn’t attractive enough for him. Ms. Piggy is devastated and leaves.
Ms. Piggy waits until the club closes and the inhabitants leave, making sure to position herself so that she can accidentally bump into the former kickboxer. Upon this second encounter, Tate confronts Ms. Piggy on her intentions; in fact, he is abruptly direct about it. He recognizes that Ms. Piggy wants to attach herself to his fame in order to further her failing career. Ms. Piggy is momentarily frozen; he had read her like a book. Tate, however, realizes that having Ms. Piggy by his side could do him some reputational good. Tate offers her the chance to head back to his opulent home, and she agrees.
At first, Ms. Piggy is over the moon; she’s taking selfies by the expensive cars, inside the private jet, inside the luxury home and even in the pool. She shoots a few selfies with her lying next to Tate-she plans on posting that one on social media and to send to Kermit. What a great way to make Kermit jealous!
A few days after this façade of a relationship begins, Tate beckons Ms. Piggy into his home office; she sees numerous other scantily-clad women are there as well. Ms.Piggy is curious as to who they are. Tate explains that they are the rest of his girlfriend roster that Ms. Piggy agreed to be a part of. Before Ms. Piggy could protest, Tate starts with the agenda of his meeting; he summoned all of his current girlfriends into the room to go over a series of social media and course-marketing photos that they were all going to be a part of. Tate made it clear that refusing to participate would end the relationship and result in an eviction from his manor, so every woman present, including Ms. Piggy, agrees. In fairness, PBS green-lit a scantily-clad Katy Perry before, so I see no reason why this skit is out-of-bounds.
The photo shoot occurs over the course of the next several hours, each photo getting more demanding and objectifying than the previous. After the shoot ends, Tate posts the photos on social media and the world absolutely gobbles them up. Tate dismisses all of the women, and assigns them household chores to do (this is pretty on-brand for him); Andrew Tate isn’t about to keep his own pricey dwelling clean! Ms. Piggy reluctantly agrees, though the entire time she’s scrubbing the floor, she’s thinking about how disrespected she feels- and she can feel a quiet air of defeated acceptance from his other girlfriends as well. She then starts to dwell on all of the good times that she had with Kermit; he never made her feel like an object or a sub-equal partner. Ms. Piggy realizes how horribly she has treated Kermit over the years.
She makes up her mind; she’s going to confront Tate. She marches into Tate’s in-home lounge and demands a We need to talk discussion. She states that she isn’t going to be his object, nor his domestic servant anymore. Tate nonchalantly tells her to get out of his house. The next shot starts with Ms. Piggy out on the sidewalk with a suitcase stuffed with her belongings. She mopes down the road as loud party music fills in the background as she walks home. If PBS has any skill at all (which is a longshot; this is the government we’re talking about), they can even spin this as a positive lesson to leave toxic and unfulfilling relationships.
The next time she sees Kermit, she apologizes to him for all of the terrible ways she treated him during their relationship. Now that Ms. Piggy has finally had a rainy day with Andrew Tate, she is now better able to appreciate all of the sunny days that she had with Kermit. Ms. Piggy asks Kermit if they could get back together again. The camera slowly zooms in on Kermit. The scene ends. Gotta keep the audience wanting more!
Outside of Ms. Piggy actually learning her lesson, I haven’t pitched anything that is out of character for her, Tate, or the PBS executives. Since everything I’ve written in this article is based on either real events or on PBS precedent, directing your anger at me is not constructive. A better alternative is to try to aim that rage towards PBS for letting harmful characters like Ms. Piggy and controversial celebrities rot the minds of our youths.
Toxic is as toxic does…
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