Once upon a time, I was driving around and I saw a peculiar bumper sticker (pictured below). I grabbed my phone, and snapped a picture at the red light because I wouldn’t have been believed otherwise. The bumper sticker declared that the owner’s cat was a Republican. Don’t get me wrong, I love radicalization and I emphatically support anything that will keep my canary pipeline flowing. Truthfully, I got a chuckle out of the situation below and then thought nothing of it until recently. It dawned on me; that bumper sticker is objectively full of shit because housecats are socialists.
Usually, after I say something spicy, my first line is typically yes, you read that correctly and yes, I’m serious. However, this will be different; while you read that correctly, I’m admittedly more tongue-in-cheek regarding this one. I adore cats, but I won’t let that stop me from calling out the fact that they have some tendencies that would make a Bernie supporter blush.
Firstly, your cat mostly just lounges around the house all goddamn day while you-the provider- are off at work. While there is some mild disagreement regarding the upper limit of the range to the question of how much cats sleep per day, the lower limit of twelve hours per day is commonly agreed on. However, cats never seem to be asleep when it’s time to receive their twice-daily handouts; food. The house cat inevitably never fails to be awake when their human opens a can or rustles a thick bag and pours it into their bowl for their free (free to them) meal. Receiving a handout that one did not contribute towards generating is one of the hallmark views of socialism. Whether it’s supposedly-free healthcare, supposedly-free college, supposedly-free daycare, or whatever the radicalized-left flavor of the month happens to be, the recipient generally isn’t the one footing the bill (and yes, there is a bill) for these goodies.
Furthermore, the common housecat does not contribute to the household in most cases. For those who hate nuance, please note the in most cases ending of that sentence, as cats do serve as pest control in rural and heavily-wooded areas. Seriously, it’s kind of why the Europeans brought them here to begin with. However, given that most modern homes do not have a need for biological pest control-there are more modern and less overtly violent ways of doing that now-cats are no longer viewed as a necessary deterrent. Given that they are natural predators that offer little else as a support animal, it’s hard to justify owning a cat from a utility standpoint. Don’t believe me? Anyone who has seen a blind person walking their seeing-eye cat may sharpen the next pitchfork. Yeah…I thought so. Cats, as soft and cute as they undeniably are, do not serve a practical purpose to most homeowners (who’s ever heard of a Beware of Cat sign?) and hence do not contribute to the household. Compare that with the party affiliation by income charts published by Pew Research and we can see that the lower-income ranks are left-leaning strongholds: those who want free stuff aren’t the one’s paying for it. Your cat is a socialist.
If these handouts are late, even if by a few minutes, the adorable four-legged socialist starts getting quite vocal and pushy with their sugar daddy providers. This tracks pretty well with the typical Socialist because the recipient of the government handouts tends to keep their benefactors to rigid schedules despite their own lack of production. “Dan, you’re making that up!” Am I? Am I really?
Forget about everyone else, so long as I get mine! The socialist, both two-legged and four-legged will say! Anyone who claims that cats aren’t empathy-lacking little hellions has clearly never had a feline walk across-or more sociopathically, curl up into a ball on top of-their keyboard as they were typing. Truthfully, it’s the lack of empathy that drives home the core values of socialism. Furthermore, the recipient of benefits regardless of how much an individual contributed to said benefits, tracks pretty well with both socialists and cats alike, as cats are known for being territorial and having an “everything is mine attitude”. Anyone with a clawed-up couch can co-sign that statement with me.
Additionally, once you start giving away freebies, the asks generally only go up from there; give an inch and they’ll take a mile! Am I wrong? First, the adorable whiskered socialist wants food twice per day, then it starts acting like it owns the place (despite the previously discussed lack of contribution). Seriously, that’s why they rub the sides of their faces on goddamn everything, despite the fact that they didn’t build that. Next, the cute tiny-tigers start sleeping in your bed as well; the audacity! Anecdotal as it may be (Gasp!), I once woke up to a crushing sensation in my chest and found it difficult to breathe, only to find out that I wasn’t having a heart attack; my overweight cat curled up into a ball on top of my sternum, and glared at me as my frantic movements had inconvenienced him.
With all that said, socialists are okay in my book-provided that they have four legs and nine lives.
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