I’m proud of you; parents say it to children, teachers say it to students, bosses say it to employees, and there are countless other contexts in which this phrase is used. This phrase gets tossed around so casually yet nobody ever stops to truly think about it. Underneath that feel-good surface lies a dark undercurrent.
Essentially, my main beef with the phrase we’re proud of you is that it’s a control tactic. Laugh if you’d like, but the phrase itself is a way for the speaker of the phrase to project their values and expectations onto the recipient of the phrase. Thus, we’re so proud of you really just means you are fulfilling the expectations that I have laid out for you. This phrase is used to condition the other party into a set of behaviors, sometimes blatantly so. This line is so accepted, that we even use this line on small children and at many other stages of life. Don’t believe me?
Every milestone that a small child takes results in a pair of cheerleading parents expressing how happy that they are that their offspring has conformed to their standards. Junior took his first few steps? We’re so proud of you. Junior said his first mostly-coherent words? We’re so proud of you. Junior read a picture book? We’re so proud of you. Junior rode his bike without training wheels? You get the idea. The conditioning continues with elementary school, in which art projects or high grades are posted on the fridge. Each we’re proud of you is a verbal signal that the child is meeting expectations.
This continues throughout high school. Junior makes the starting lineup of the varsity football team? He’s a chip-off-the-old-block! Junior made the honor roll? Teachers can leave auto-generated comments on Junior’s report card saying parents should be proud. Junior wins the National Model UN contest? He’s so quick-witted and hence Mom and Dad are proud of him. Graduation day comes; bleachers and auditorium seats across the nation are filled with smiling middle-aged faces, giddy because they are so proud that their kids have met the accepted societal standard.
Now, let’s go to college. A long-held stereotype regarding children of immigrants is that they frequently major in things such as engineering, computer science, pre-med, and so-on because of their parents’ expectations. That is, their parents will be proud of them if they major in one of these subjects; English Literature majors need not apply, apparently…
The conditioning doesn’t even stop there either! We’re so proud of you even seeps into career aspects. Industries such as Wall Street get a sizable share of directionless new grads in no small part because the prestige of the employer brand will make their parents proud of them. Yes, college educated adultsare still being openly manipulated by nearing-retirement age parents by the simple phrase we’re so proud of you. Finance is hardly the only field; law is another one, as is being a doctor or engineer. Why do I get the feeling that significantly fewer graphic designers get told that their parents are proud of them?
Here’s an uncomfortable truth about why that phrase is so sinister: our brains are literally hard-wired to hear the phrase. We evolved to be a highly social and cohesive species, because isolation from the tribe often meant an early and brutal grave. Thus, our brains optimized to keep us alive, and part of that means seeking approval from others, particularly those in positions of authority. Thus, we’re so proud of you is merely a dog-whistle for you get to continue living.
To see how powerful the phrase we’re so proud of you is, we need only to look at the absence of the phrase. Don’t believe me? Try being a prostitute and see how proud your family is of you then. Or a dope addict for that matter. “But Dan, those are pretty extreme examples! You can’t base your argument off of something so wild” a misguided reader will protest. Setting aside that prostitution is far more common than we care to admit, as is drug use, allow me to hit uncomfortably close to home. Try marrying someone from the opposite party and see how that impacts those who claim to be proud of you. “Dan, what are the chances of that?” One-in-five, thanks for asking! Data on religion is harder to come by, but a family relationship expert states that converting religions hits the “undo” button just as easily.
“Well Dan, I love my kids/my parents love me unconditionally. I’m proud of them/they’re proud of me no matter what!” my favorite resident naysayer will claim. Taking this statement at face value, then you should consider yourself truly fortunate if this is the case. However, let’s stress-test that claim. Let’s say for the sake of argument, you had a near-perfect SAT score in high school. Better yet, maybe you even won a nationally televised cognitive contest. Instead of choosing to go to a prestigious and trailblazing university, you instead decide to become a nature photographer. While I have nothing against nature photographers, it isn’t exactly a line of work that demands a mastery of vector calculus. Are you absolutely positive that you won’t get the “you’re wasting your potential” talk? I see you squirming in your seat through the screen…
“So Dan, you’ve made your point, and I don’t have an actual counterargument” the pesky naysayer will finally concede “but what do you suggest we say?”. Given the choice between uncomfortable honesty and flowery, soft language I will choose the former nearly every time. Therefore, we can just call a spade a spade and just say you are conforming to expectations. Like it or not, external expectations are all around us, and many even get plotted as a standard bell curve. The growth rates of children, exam scores, performance reviews in the workplace, time spent exercising and so much more examples are quantifiable metrics in which the speaker can measure the recipients against. Qualitative values aren’t exempt either; I’m proud of you really just means you demonstrate values that I like, so let’s just say that instead.
Life is short, so say what you mean…
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