Christmas is just around the corner, so I’ll have a little bit of fun at Santa’s expense this year. I’ll examine the mythological practice of Santa giving coal to people who have been vicious over the past twelve months. To answer a few questions right now; no, I don’t actually believe in Santa, you paint-chip snackers (I’m just having some fun), and yes, I once received coal-inspired candy in my stocking twice in the same year for Christmas. Ba-humbug!
In case Santa hasn’t noticed, the world has a finite amount of coal and that we burn a shitload of it. Thus, those who have coal reserves are going to be in a pretty unique advantage in the coming decades. In case you skipped economics class (an idea for a future article!), I’ll give you a brief low down. Supply and demand have a negative correlation, meaning that when one is high, the other tends to be low. In this context, the supply of coal is only going to decrease as time goes on (because what are Americans going to do? give a shit about climate change?), thus the demand for coal is only going to climb. Hence, giving out coal isn’t a punishment, it’s a free investment. At that rate, Santa might as well hand out Bitcoin circa 2017 or shares of Apple and Tesla.
“Well Dan, that’s not a fair criticism to lob at the jolly old fat man! How was he supposed to know from before the Revolutionary War that coal would run out before American’s started to commoditize it?” an elf-shaped protestor will proclaim. Setting aside that the crimson-clad slave driver let one of his minions out of the sweatshop long enough to read one of my articles, allow me to address his main point. The laws of economics have pretty much always applied and have remained constant, and they certainly applied in the 1770’s as well. Santa assigning a negative attribute to black rocks that he pulled from the ground inherently commoditized the product. “Dan, that’s kind of a stretch” the exploited elf would say, defending his overlord. I disagree, but for the sake of argument, let’s say that you’re right; Santa has constant surveillance that would make the Chinese Communist Party blush, so he clearly should’ve caught on by now that coal is big business. As such, Santa needs to realize that he is rewarding bad behavior, and we all know that humans respond to incentives. Now get back to work!
Besides its raw form, coal has another economic benefit as well; diamonds. While diamonds have little intrinsic value (save for a few incredibly niche industrial applications such as specialty lasers or saws), the De Beers Diamond Corporation certainly doesn’t want you to know that. However, so long as prissy white women want to flex on one another via their gaudy rings that some poor exploited African child risked life-and-limb to pull from the ground, diamonds will have some commercial value. Thus, by meting out lumps of coal, St. Nick is basically giving out risk-free contracts on diamond futures.
Behind only the United States, Russia holds the most coal in the world, and there is no shortage of evil coming from The Land of the Kremlin. In Fact, Russia is so bad that a bearded writer even suggested that it is due for a coup. Stories of Vladimir’s oppositions suspiciously throwing themselves out of windows while duct-taped to a chair or being poisoned with Plutonium are abundant. It’s no secret that Vladimir has a pitiful human rights record, though in this aspect he is hardly unique in Russian history. Stalin, Gorbachev, Lenin, Khruschev, and more also have similar wrongdoings on their resumes, up to and including literal genocides. Santa needs to stop enabling the Russians.
Not far behind the Russians in coal production are the Chinese Communist Party, who frequently sit atop global lists of Authoritarian Governments. The CCP frequently tramples on the rights of others, such as Tibet, Uighyers, Hong Kong and even the sovereignty of some of its neighbors in southeast Asia. Although, one of the most heinous and disgusting things that the CCP has have ever exported to the United States has been TikTok. Oh yeah, and fentanyl, forgot about that. The arctic fat man needs to cut of Xi Jinping’s coal supply already.
“Dan, you’re not being fair right now! That dumb AI feedback bot frequently accuses you of bias because you’re only focusing on one side right now. Criticize Western coal conglomerates!” another North Pole inhabitant will complain. To be clear, I give zero fucks about that bot’s judgment, though I’ll humor you and point out the flaws of Australian and American coal barons anyways. As much as I dislike far-left pundit (eww…pundits) John Oliver, he dedicated an entire episode of his show to this topic. Australian coal companies have also frequently trampled the rights of the indigenous, so there is plenty of Western mud to be thrown around as well.
If the intent of dishing out coal is to punish bad behavior, then I’d like to make a few suggestions. Instead of coal altogether, the obese legend could try just passing out small monkeys. While they may look small and cute, they are incredibly violent and routinely kill humans. Waking up on December 25th to find a live monkey pounce out of your stocking and latch itself onto your face would be a great trigger of introspection, assuming you survive the encounter. In the best-case scenario, the monkey recipient survives, takes stock of what they did throughout the year that prompted being monkey-cursed in an attempt to avoid a repeat. In the worst-case scenario, the recipient dies, and the world is minus one evil-doer. That screeching sound in the distance is all of the animal rights activists sharpening their pitchforks at once. They can join this conversation when they start doing something about the fact that gators are still routinely killed for their skins while they don’t even pretend to give a shit. Yeah, I thought so…
But we can leave the biological realm and go nuclear. That’s right, Santa can start handing out already-spent nuclear fuel rods to children who misbehave. This isn’t even a major departure from Santa’s previous (and widely accepted) stance on giving out units of energy to kids. This would strongly disincentivize malicious actions because absolutely nobody wants nuclear waste. It was such a hot-button issue that we literally dug an underground bunker in the middle of nowhere to store it because nobody wanted it in their jurisdiction. The spent fuel rods have no more capacity to generate electricity, nor can they be used to make weapons, so they are also utterly useless. Burdensome gifts that are difficult to throw away serve as painful, daily reminders to straighten up.
Finally, as a gift meant to passive-aggressively send a message (I’m something of an expert in that realm!), good old trash will work nicely. I don’t mean clean stuff like cardboard boxes either; there’s far too much creative potential for that! I mean old banana peels, cracked egg shells, the whole nine yards. Nobody wants to take trash; it’s gotten to the point of causing international disputes. Garbage piling up is even the premise for a dystopic Disney movie.
Change the behavior by changing the incentive…
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