I’ll be the first one to admit; I am not a martial artist. However, I have read a lot of James Altucher and hence my brain is firing off so many ideas that I can practically give them away. Thus, that’s exactly what I’ll do today. For the purposes of this article, the term martial arts dojo will refer to a high-contact martial arts school or MMA gym that regularly has its students spar one another with high intensity. It’s one thing to perfect a skillset against stationary dummies or against kind-hearted folks going half-speed, it’s another matter entirely to perfect them in live sparring against someone actively trying to kick your ass (read: what will happen in the real world).
Every September, millions of K-12 students go back to school, and not all of them welcome the return. Unfortunately, some students will inevitably get bullied by others. However, herein lies a great marketing opportunity for martial arts dojos. Dojos can run a back to school special marketed as a bullying prevention package. This would work best for striking-based disciplines (such as Taekwondo, Krav Maga, or Muay Thai) because a forceful kick to the side of the bully’s knee has a high likelihood of tearing an ACL, hence ending the bully’s reign of terror for the next nine months (read: the entire school year). Broken ribs easily turn into punctured lungs (just ask Tony Romo) which substantially impacts the quality of life of the recipient. It’s also hard for the bully to talk shit when his jaw is wired shut due to a well-placed punch or head kick. “But Dan, bullies tend to be physically larger than their victims!” Captain Obvious will surely point out; this is a hole in the market that jiu-jitsu and judo schools can fill. After all, a bully’s attitude will change after being slammed onto the pavement or suffering permanent tendon damage after being locked into a kimura for just a wee bit too long. Sharpen your pitchforks all you want, childhood bullying is what inspired MMA greats such as Conor McGregor and the GOAT Himself Georges St-Pierre to embark on their journeys, so I’m merely accepting reality.
But hey, why stop at K-12? College students could be marketing targets as well. Dojos in and near college towns could-and should-absolutely make use of the calendar year. In September and February (when the college semesters start), dojos can run specials circled around Don’t take any shit from the football team/fraternities. This would be best for martial arts styles that work best against/prepare practitioners for multiple opponents at once, as football players and frat boys tend to travel in packs. Hence a 2v1 or 3v1 encounter in this context is more likely. Incapacitate a few loud annoying douchebags from Sum Delta Beta during a weekend party and soon you might find that several sorority girls on campus suddenly want to breed you like you’re a goddamn champion horse! A word of caution; a little less violence is ideal if your opponent is the Heisman-candidate running back; ripping his ACL asunder or concussing him could cause your school to lose the bowl game (thus making you a social pariah). But the third-string tight end is giving you a hard time? Then yeah, fuck him up! One thing is for certain though, that is a sure-fire way to ensure that you are never fucked with again on campus.
However, the youth aren’t the only ones who need these lessons, sometimes their parents do as well. Real estate transactions are public record in most states, thus giving martial arts dojos a pristine marketing opportunity that few of them are actually using. With a bit of data-mining, martial arts dojos could keep tabs on home sales during in and around their zip code pretty easily and cheaply. Thus, sixty days after a home changes hands, the dojo could send the new homeowner a Bad Neighbor? special discount. Let’s face it, some neighbors are bound to be assholes over petty issues such as fences, noise levels, and so-on. A concussion or rear-naked choke will ensure that your asshole neighbor stays on their goddamn side of the fence from that point on!
Dojos can further use the calendar to it’s fullest potential. In late February and early March, snow starts to melt in most of the nation. With the snow melting comes workouts marketed to young women along the lines of get ready for bikini season. However, dojos can step into the marketing fold as well and start advertising a Guard Your Girl special. Let’s face it, she’s going to attract a lot of attention at the beach in her skimpy two-piece, and not all of the attention is going to be positive. Thus, being able to kick some assholes kneecap in or rupture a windpipe like you’re motherfucking Liam Neeson might come in handy in case said asshole doesn’t respect boundaries.
Dojos sometimes use live public demonstrations of their students and techniques in order to boost sales. Often these involve a rehearsed routine or a light sparring match. Some of these involve breaking wooden boards or other such objects. However, different species of wood have vastly different densities, thus the breaking has little true meaning. A better tactic is to borrow the gelatinous mold idea from the old TV show on Spike called The Deadliest Warrior. The premise of the show was to compare which combat style would win in a head-to-head deathmatch, and they would have modern-day practitioners perform these techniques. A favorite target was gelatinous molds that mimicked the density of human muscle tissue and human bone. Mimicking human bone is the key here (especially for striking-based disciplines), as being able to show that your dojo can teach people how to break ribs/jaws/kneecaps can be a lucrative selling point. The show also uses pressure disks that burst at a certain force, thus placing one of these sensors on the head of a normal striking dummy can show if a punch or kick was strong enough to cause a concussion (which again, is a fantastic selling point).
I imagine that I’ll get a lot of martial arts purists upset with me, stating that my ideas are dishonorable or something along those lines. However, many dojos are for-profit entities thus they are inherently in the business of attracting customers and closing sales. Unless they are running their dojo as a 501c3, then this is a reality that they have to accept. Thus, getting mad at me for helping you boost sales is not the answer; a better solution is to question the ideology that you’ve been spoon-fed.
Know your audience…
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