In the last few years, there has been a rise in adult male athletes transitioning to women and then playing women’s sports. To the shock of absolutely nobody, the transwomen routinely beat the cis-women, and the margin is rarely ever close. The phenomenon is so frequent now that a radicalized right-wing publication even made a comedic movie about it. Needless to say, this trend isn’t going away anytime soon.
Since I love openly mocking batshit stupid takes, I figured that I’ll do it again. However, this time I’ll do so with a twist; instead of men suddenly identifying as women, I’ll propose that able-bodied athletes start identifying as disabled. I’ll use nothing more than publicly available information and established precedent to make this case. This should go without saying, but I do not condone actually doing this; this article is here only to poke fun and nothing more. Also, while I support people transitioning and living as their authentic selves, there should be separate divisions for trans athletes so they can compete fairly against other trans athletes. Remember, calling me an ableist or transphobic doesn’t make you an ally and it isn’t heroic; it’s a logical fallacy.
Oscar Pistorius was one of the most memorable Paralympic athletes in recent memory. Pistorius, better known as Blade Runner, was a South African sprinter who was a double-amputee below his knees. He ran on custom-made prosthetic legs that resemble question marks. Undoubtedly designed for optimal speed, Pistorius combined these specially-engineered legs with a relentless work ethic to win three gold medals in the 2008 Paralympic Games and followed it up with a gold medal in the 2012 Paralympic games. Prior to his subsequent imprisonment on an unrelated crime, Pistorius was hailed as an inspiration to disabled people everywhere.
However, let’s take a closer look at some of Pistorius’ numbers to reveal some truths. Here are Pistorius’ personal bests. Pistorius’ greatest 100-meter dash time was 11.17 seconds. I was a three-sport athlete in high school, and two of those sports were football and track. I had several teammates who would beat Pistorius in the 100-meter dash, and none of us went to Division 1 in either sport. Seriously, any D3 sprinter would beat him. Thus, if there are any elite high school athletes/mediocre college sprinters who want to be lauded with heaps of adoration and accolades, identifying as disabled is an option available to them.
But let’s focus on another event, powerlifting. For this comparison, I’ll focus on the men’s heavyweight division. This is because strength generally scales with size, and (…wait for it) men are generally stronger than women. I know that last line caused a few of you to start sharpening your pitchforks. Thus, I’m taking data from the absolute strongest lifter at the 2020 Paralympic Games. Basically, powerlifting scores are the sum of the amount of weight (in kilos, not freedom units) a lifter successfully completes in the bench, squat and deadlift. The absolute strongest Paralympic lifter hoisted a combined 241 kilos (530.2 pounds if your native country put a robot on Mars). Go inside any half-way reputable gym and you’ll be able to find a bro who can beat that mark on the deadlift alone. Therefore, identifying as disabled would be a great way for moderately strong men in their 20’s to add some gold to their portfolio.
Shot put is another event in which identifying as disabled will yield some gold. For context, men that are blind, deaf, mentally handicapped, or who have organ transplants will throw a 16 pound shot put. The furthest throw of this shot put weight at the Paralympic games was 17.34 meters (just under 57 feet for those who won the Revolutionary War). As inspiring as that must have been to the disabled across the world, that effort would’ve been good enough to secure 23rd place at the recent D1 NCAA finals. That wouldn’t have even secured bronze at the Division III finals either. Thus, college shot-put throwers looking to rack up more gold than Fort Knox should start identifying as disabled.
Wheelchair basketball is an event in the Paralympic games, and here is another area where players who identify as disabled can truly shine. “Well Dan, wheelchair basketball is harder than it looks (and it looks pretty difficult to begin with). It takes a lot of coordination” is a retort that I’m likely to get, and I completely agree. However, if D1 or NBA players decided to start identifying as wheelchair users, they’d wind up with more bling than Mr. T. Anyone who doubts that can try guarding Gordon Heyward and see how that works out.
“Dan, this is utterly insulting! These athletes work hard every day and deserve their own space to shine. Having others with an insurmountable advantage intrude on their stage will ruin the competition, and is just distasteful!” an angry Karen will throw at me. Why yes, I completely and universally agree with you. Thank you for making the case why none of this utter nonsense should be allowed.
You aren’t stunning and brave for entering a contest that you know you’ll win…
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