That’s right, I’m back at it again. I have another idea to share today, and like always, I’ll base everything I say off of currently accepted practices and legal precedent. My idea is basically like the Omnipod except it would monitor the user’s testosterone level instead of their glucose level. This may sound simple (because it is) but the impact to society would be profound.
As one could imagine, the device would be marketed to men, and the idea is that men would wear the device throughout their day. The device would then collect data, which would transmit that data to the smartphone app and display the testosterone trends to the user. Thus, the user would be able to see when their testosterone would have peaks and valleys. Presenting this data in a graph is vital; it’ll send the message much more impactfully than a list of numbers ever would. This information would help the user see what their testosterone levels were when they were being timid or assertive or sedentary or active.
Better yet, the smartphone app could sync with various calendar apps (Outlook, Apple Calendar, etc), and then overlay what you were doing onto your peaks and valleys. This would be a fantastic piece of feedback. Were you too timid when you gave a presentation at work? Were you feeling un-fucking-stoppable during your chest day workout at the gym? Did your hatred of humanity spike as you sat in traffic? This device-and-app combination would give you hard data to investigate these suspicions.
Once the user base gets large enough, the app can roll out the leaderboard function. Users will have to opt-in to the leaderboard via a set of screens where they agree to waive their HIPPA rights. The best practice is to bury this clause two-thirds of the way through the Terms and Conditions, to ensure that almost nobody will actually read them as they just blindly tap I agree. Once the user waives their rights, they can have their peak testosterone entry for that day displayed on the leaderboard. The leaderboard can show the highest testosterone reading in the user base, thus spurring on competition. Peloton has already shown that gamifying the body works, so I’m merely just following precedent here. Furthermore, a small group of users can set-up their own leaderboard, thus bringing the group locally as well; after all, who doesn’t want bragging rights over their buddies? Fantasy football and online first-person-shooting games already exploit the concept of small group bragging rights via leaderboards, so I’m not exactly re-inventing the wheel here.
The app can provide suggestions to users on how to boost their testosterone, such as through proper diet and workout regimens, sleep cycles and so on. The app could provide these in the form of push notifications, thus encouraging users to check back often. After all, limbically-hijacking the user base is crucial! Future updates of the app would include features that sync with a user’s Fitbit, Apple Watch or other wearable tech. The app would then pull sleep and workout data from these wearables and then use this data in order to make more accurate and personalized recommendations. As for diet, the app’s future releases could also sync with food diaries and other such nutrition apps that the user might have on their phone. Having access to what a man is eating throughout the day would help the app make better nutritional recommendations, provided of course the disclaimer of talk to a certified nutritionist is buried into the terms of service in a place that the user will absolutely just scroll past. Recommendations could also include over-the-counter testosterone boosters, provided these OTC testosterone boosters pay a hefty advertising fee!
Upon a large enough user base, the testosterone scores (yes, scores: we must gamify!) can then be plotted on a standard bell curve. This will give the man who isn’t on a top global leaderboard spot bragging rights if they can still claim that their testosterone score is in the top 90/95/99% of men worldwide. This score can then be ported over to dating apps such as Tinder and Bumble. A man displaying a high testosterone score in the app (relative to other men, as shown via a bell curve) would almost certainly help him collect more right-swipes from women! In this way, a high testosterone score could be a golden ticket to a lower income or less facially attractive man. This is possibly one of the strongest selling points to get men to use the monitoring system. This also benefits the woman in this scenario, because she would be able to form a more informed decision about who she chooses; women don’t want to end up with a man who’ll be pushed around, and testosterone scores act as a filter for that.
Of course, all of this aggregate data can then be sold to advertisers and drug companies for a king’s ransom. Sharpen your pitchforks all you want but there is precedent as 23andMe did the same exact thing, so I see no legal or ethical issue with doing that (again users, will agree to this clause as it will be buried deep within the Terms and Conditions that they didn’t read). Drug companies interested in making endocrine and/or heart medication would be ideal customers to sell this data to, as would thinktanks and consumer-product companies looking to sell to high testosterone men (truck companies, gun companies, condom companies, Muay Thai gyms, men’s influencer courses, etc).
Once the company becomes a multi-billion-dollar unicorn and the darling of both Wall St and Silicon Valley (the two real power centers of America), we can then start hiring lobbyists. Currently, Drunk Uncle Sam has stupidly classified testosterone as a Schedule III controlled substance. Apparently Drunk Uncle Sam believes that the male hormone is just as bad as methamphetamine. Drunk Uncle Sam has no business controlling substances at all; if citizens want to use drugs, that is their choice: end of conversation.
Once the lobbyists get the jesters at the DEA to remove testosterone from the controlled substances list, then a future hardware development can take place; a testosterone pump. Similar to how the Omnipod tracks, historizes, and adapts to a user’s personalized glucose levels prior to delivering the exact dose of insulin that’s needed, future launches of this product can start delivering testosterone into the bloodstream during low-points throughout the day. Lift society by lifting the floor!
This product would benefit society via a form of metaphorical shock therapy. The average man would see what is happening to his score as he sits all day, doesn’t exercise, eats tons of sugar and whines constantly. Thus, having the scores nudge him (again, via push notifications!) towards action will cause millions of men across America to take ownership of their lives and start improving themselves for the better. Men will want to make more money, put down the controller, lift more weights, learn a martial art, take less shit from asshole neighbors and tyrannical bosses, become more passionate lovers, and avoid becoming a Scott Galloway statistic because of this product.
Send venture capital today!
Home Page 