Alright folks, same drill as before. Keep your pitchforks sharpened at all times per Protocol 75IQ.
TikTok Dancers Need Not Apply
Essentially, my idea is to add catecholamines into the panel of substances tested for into the standard pre-employment drug screen. For the uninitiated, catecholamines are a family of signaling molecules produced by the central nervous systems and the adrenal gland. The golden child of this family is none other than dopamine. However, this test will be slightly different from other substances. Drugs such as cocaine and marijuana are not needed by our physiology whatsoever, hence any detectable presence constitutes a positive test. However, catecholamine test parameters would be different. This is because dopamine is a vital neurotransmitter, and hence a truly negative test is unrealistic. Thus, what I’m proposing is an upper limit on the presence of dopamine. Once a sample crosses the upper limit, then the test is considered a positive and the applicant is denied employment.
One of the main reason employers require a drug test is to weed out (hehe, I said weed) job seekers that have dulled mental alertness, particularly in jobs where one has to drive or operate other types of heavy machinery. This is understandable as distracted driving kills thousands of American’s every year, and Silicon Valley is always trying to optimize for more screen time. Employers are well within their rights (both legally and morally) to exclude candidates that are more focused on a supposedly lit-ass meme, text message, or a social media ping rather than the actual fucking task at hand.
Someone with far too much dopamine flying around in their systems is also unlikely to be a good communicator, which is something that employers are absolutely looking for. One who is perpetually tuned into whatever Logan Paul’s Scam of the Week is or arguing with a Russian bot is unlikely to have the nuance, concentration, and empathy required to make a meaningful impact in the modern workforce. It isn’t hard to argue that being limbically-hijacked has a whole host of negative consequences, thus this is something that employers will want to watch out for.
Employees who mindlessly scroll through the CCP’s mass surveillance app are known to lose an untold number of hours of valuable time. Undoubtedly, this has led to some workplace tardiness issues among Americans, and thus employers should want a way to avoid future employees who will be much more likely to have punctuality problems. The dopamine test offers a realistic way to screen for that.
Many have stated that we ought to start treating smartphone addiction as if it were like any other addiction, and on this front I absolutely agree. As I wrote about previously, America has a patchwork system for treating addicts who seek help, and as a result, many are not in the workforce. Subtly making it much more difficult for those who do not jump through endless hoops to find/keep employment is the textbook American way of dealing with junkies. This approach needs to be followed up with the lack of compassion for those who are jonesing for their next fix with lines such as Well, you should’ve thought of that before you started this habit or Have you tried having more willpower? Ideally, these critiques need to be delivered in the most tone-deaf voice possible, especially as the Professional Facebook Checker is about to be evicted for non-payment of rent.
By removing screen addicts from their workforce, the resulting company would have a much more productive labor pool. This is because of Jack Welch’s deadwood theory; companies ought to remove their bottom 10% performers, and those who are constantly scrolling through subreddits while on company time are a literal drain on company capital. Therefore, in their fiduciary responsibility to shareholders, companies (read: investment vehicles) need to move limbically-hijacked knuckle draggers out of the business.
The thing is, this type of testing wouldn’t even be that hard to do. Catecholamine urine tests already exist, so it’s not like any new sort of test would need to be invented, and viable testing parameters have already been established for the presence of dopamine. Data for the cost of urine tests is hard to come by, but assuming the upper bound of $250 per test is true, then the wizz-quiz is hardly the most expensive part of the hiring process. In fact, instituting this new drug test would cost peanuts compared to the price of employee turnover. Thus, there is no practical reason that employers cannot start implementing this test today.
TikTok Dancers need not apply…
Porn Is Self-Care. Deal With It…
“Dan, I can’t believe you! Don’t you know that porn is bad for society?” an enraged Karen will throw at me. Really? Are you sure? Because a recent meta-analysis (basically an overview of a large number of peer-reviewed scientific studies on a given topic) have found that the evidence for that claim is shaky at best. I’m also glad that one of the authors of this meta-analysis pointed out the topic of bias in the examined studies; just because a scientist wants something to be true doesn’t make it true. Having an opinion and then backwards-engineering a study to conform to the stated hypothesis isn’t science; it’s propaganda.
I won’t lie, after finishing a porn-consuming bender, many times I feel weirdly motivated to go workout. Often this is because of the physiques depicted in the material. “But Dan, that isn’t realistic”-the same enraged Karen will protest; you can lob that criticism at me when you delete Facebook, Instagram, the CCP’s mass surveillance app, and YouTube from your phone. Yea…I fucking thought so. Besides, in case you haven’t been paying attention, America has a BMI problem. Thus, anything that motivates people to workout is something to be celebrated.
Recently it was November, which meant it was (yet again) No Nut November (NNN). The social media men’s trend-the one not pioneered by Aaron Rodgers-encourages men not to release for an entire month, for little-to-no discernible reason. While the participants might be swimming in an ocean of dopamine-inducing Likes, dabs, and stupid fucking TikTok dances, they are causing some serious side effects. Prolonged pipe-maintenance in healthy men degrades the quality of the DNA inside sperm, and the effect was seen within only five days. Yes, you read that correctly; five days. And the almighty algorithm is desperately trying to convince men to go for fucking thirty days between cleaning out their pipes? This is stupid and dangerous.
Not only is NNN unhealthy for men, it is also counter-productive for the hosting algorithm. The Man Himself is desperately trying to scramble for Africa, as that his one of the few untapped (or at least, under-tapped) markets left on Earth for his products. With each November decreasing the sperm quality of his user base, and an already low birth rate, the charismatic billionaire (all of you hang on his every word; don’t try to deny it) is potentially going to have far fewer users in the coming decades. Thus, Zuck has a clear incentive to absolutely snuff out all notions of NNN across his various platforms. He can also tweak the algorithms across his platforms during Novembers to promote sexualized content (Instagram videos of attractive women in skimpy outfits twerking, Facebook photos of attractive women in bikini’s and so on) in order to guard his long-term prospects. Da Zuck can also give discounts to advertisers in the sex industry, such as condom manufacturers, porn sites, adult toy shops, Nevada-based brothels and so on during November. China is having a similar demographic problem as well, thus the CCP’s mass surveillance app has every incentive to outright censor NNN; sharpen your pitchfork all you want, that is hardly the worst thing that Xi Jinping has ever censored. The pornographic industrial complex, sex workers, and OnlyFans models also have a mutually aligned interest in combatting this dumb trend. Perhaps they could try running month-long discounts or other incentives during November; the fate of mankind’s depends on it!
Besides, there is another aspect of porn that is difficult to deny, especially compared to social media; you just feel so damn good afterwards. Pundit after pundit (eww…pundits) have blamed Mark Zuckerburg for single-handedly ruining society via social media. The term doom-scrolling has been coined in recent years to describe the phenomena of feeling worse after spending a session scrolling through social media; whether that be jealousy, anger, anxiety or a whole host of other negative emotions (though only the weak-minded pass up free fuel). After all, comparison is the thief of joy. On contrast, releasing feels good; it’s literally the feedback loop that kept the ancient human race alive during the caveman days.
Releasing feels good, doom-scrolling doesn’t. Clean your room before you criticize the rest of the world
In Critique of My Writing Career Pt. VI: A Recent Realization
I’ve been on a writing tangent lately (what else is new?) and I was briefly fretting about a word count on a piece I was writing. I had an article that was only 700 words long, though my usual minimum to post was 800, with the average being over 1000. I was trying to come up with a way to provide more substance to the piece that I was writing when it dawned on me; the article is over when the point has been made, word count be damned.
I’ll be honest, I’m no stranger to coming up short of a desired word count. However, I realized that I had expanded upon all of the points that I wanted to go over, Not only that, but I had also sourced all of my supporting data-driven evidence and addressed all of the common counter-arguments. With that, I detached, took a deep breath, and then realized that brevity is golden.
The fight’s over when the other guy goes limp…
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