Yes, you read that correctly and yes, I’m serious. It is coming up on Primary Season, and both sides of the radicalization spectrum will use these results to thin out their herd. I’m going to lay out my thought process as to how I came to Support Ron DeSantis for the 2024 Republican Primary. For the record, I don’t even like the Republican Party, nor do I support them. However, I have a ballot available to me, and I intend on casting it. Sitting home accomplishes nothing, and many billions of people do not have this right.
The reasons for my vote will be two-fold. First and foremost, I need to keep the pipeline of canaries flowing, hence I need to vote in the primaries in such a way that’ll keep the population nice and divided. I will not vote in the Democratic Primary, because the radicalized have already spoken; 93% of Republicans already disapprove of Biden. This makes things easy for me on the left-half of the divide; the default option is the best one to accomplish this goal. Thus, I’ll need to pick a Republican who is good at galvanizing the public; the stronger the rhetoric, the better!
However, I have a second goal as well, one that’s just as important; I want a Libertarian President. I voted for Gary Johnson in 2016 despite being told that I was throwing away my vote (which is something we never actually say to supporters of the two main parties when they vote according to their beliefs). If we take a moment to look closely at the 2016 race, we’ll see the conditions that proved to be fertile grounds for the former New Mexico governor; a weak Democrat and a weak Republican. The moderate American wanted something besides Clinton and Trump, thus the door was cracked open. Gary Johnson managed to ram his foot into the door, force his way into the conversation and steal an important slice of the popular vote. Thus, in order to have a Porcupine President, a meek Republican needs to win the primary, and I’m certainly willing to do my part to ensure that happens.
Thus, taking a look at the field of Republicans in 2024 shows two obvious front-runners. First is former President Donald J. Trump. Needless to say, if he wins the primary, he could likely win the election re-match, and this contradicts my goal. He has a resilient and highly mobile base (google January 6th if you don’t believe me) and they’ll absolutelyturn up to the polls in November. While I fawn over this level of radicalization because it means that I’ll literally never run out of Red Canaries, this is counter-productive to my second goal.
Nikki Haley is currently polling at 34% in the party, and hence is naturally the second choice among Republicans. Her campaign is spending big and it seems to be working so far. She could very well win the primary, and in a showdown against Trump, there’s a chance she could win the nomination; especially if OrangeMan’s persistent legal troubles hurt his polling numbers. That’s fine, but what isn’t fine is that if she were to win the primary, she’d certainly push old man Biden down the staircase and win the White House; game over for Libertarians. So, I cannot vote for her either; cue the angry feminists…
My original plan was to vote for Chris Christie. New Jersey’s Jabba The Hut was the perfect mix of being radicalizing enough to a large audience to keep my canary supply coming, while also simultaneously having no chance of actually winning the general election. However, you cannot always get what you want, as the Republican mainstay has dropped out of the race. Damn it, Chris Christie, you had one job!
Vivek Ramaswamy definitely fulfills the second criteria; he stands absolutely no chance of beating Joe Biden in the general election. However, he hilariously fails at the first objective of being able to radicalize a large percentage of the population. In fact, he has spent much of his campaign talking about how even-tempered and common-sense he is; I need bombastic assholery! It doesn’t matter anyways, because he has thrown in the towel.
Thus, I am left with Ron DeSantis. Admittedly, he wasn’t my first choice in candidates that would fulfil my two objectives; that honor belongs to Crisco Christie (hey, I get to say that!). However, there is absolutely no denying that DeSantis can drum up a radicalized base-and opposition (seriously, even Mickey Mouse hates him!). He’s so good at doing so that even King Liberal Himself dedicated a full-length episode to DeSantis. At the time of this writing, DeSantis isn’t nearly popular enough to beat Joe Biden in the general election. Thus, DeSantis has my vote in the 2024 Republican Primary.
I can just imagine both the pitchfork wielders and the AI bot calling me every name in the book for this post; I don’t care if you call me manipulative or sociopathic. However, the fact that I need to be this strategic with my vote speaks to a larger problem with our current system. The Libertarian Party is systemically excluded from the ballot and this is nothing short of unacceptable. However, I cannot simply just blame Drunk Uncle Sam (gasp!); the Porcupines need to revamp their candidate selection process. Many Libertarians would love to vote in primaries for their favorite candidate, but currently the Party only runs primaries in a handful of states. It’s almost as if the party leadership has just accepted their role as a spoiler rather than as a legitimate contender. Furthermore, voters aren’t even the ones who truly select the Libertarian candidate anyways; it’s basically like the electoral college at a smaller level. There is no need to run primaries like this, and having this level of infrastructure in place flies in the face of Libertarian values.
Don’t hate the player, hate the game…
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