“I’m going to Hell in every religion” is a phrase that is occasionally thrown around, typically by people in their 20’s to describe how wild their lives are. The implication behind this line is that the speaker is proclaiming to live like Charlie Sheen. However, this line is often far less descriptive than the speaker realizes, and today we’ll demonstrate just how hollow this line truly is.
With that said, I’m going to lay down some mild ground rules. First, I’m going to focus on the typical American as the adherent in question. Go ahead, call me biased and sharpen your pitchfork, but it’s a useful behavioral baseline. This behavior baseline will assume the basics that most religions have about forbidding murder, theft, rape and other heinous crimes. Secondly, I’m only going to study the rules of each religion as it pertains to the typical non-clergy member of the faith. In other words, the typical American that I’m using will only be judged against rules that do not concern rabbi’s/priests/monks/et cetera. This is because most people simply want a moral guideline and are not looking to become employees of a tax-exempt organization. Third, I’m going to ignore the no false God/idol rule, because under that logic, everyone would inherently go to Hell in every other religion except their own (and hence is way beside the point for what I’m trying to show).
Islam is one religion in which it is relatively easy for the average American to earn eternal damnation. It is widely known that Islam forbids the consumption of pork, as the belief system views the pig as a dirty animal. Thus, anyone who has consumed bacon, pork chops or ham is heading straight for an eternity of torture upon their demise. It won’t be that hard to find an American that meets this criteria because Americans consume over fifty pounds of pork per capita each year.
Christianity is another religion in which punching a ticket to the less-desirable afterlife is shockingly easy (as portrayed by South Park over twenty years ago). The Christian Bible is known for laying out the Seven Deadly Sins that the holy book instructs users to avoid. Among them are gluttony and sloth, and since nearly three-quarters of Americans have a BMI that is too high, that isn’t a high bar to clear. Envy and lust are also listed in the list of Christian taboos, and since PornHub is the fourth most visited site in the US, that box is sufficiently checked. A one-way ticket to the negative Z-axis, please!
Hinduism is a belief system in which it has many different versions of afterlife punishment, each dedicated for a specific offense. One of the easiest for Americans to gain access to is Andhakupa. Andhakupa is the special Hindu Hell that people who harm insects go to when they die. Given that fly swatters, ant traps and mosquito spray are all common household items in America, combined with our love of killing spiders, this version of Hell must be easier to get into than Arizona State (cue the triggered Sun Devils!).
Mormonism’s version of Hell is fairly easy to get into as well. Mormonism specifically bans alcohol and tobacco, and given that America is a nation of alcoholics, Mormon Hell must be pretty crowded. “But Dan, I don’t drink alcohol! I do love me some Coca-Cola though” a soapbox speaker might protest, unaware that they’re also headed straight to Mormon Hell along with the rest of us. This is because soft drinks containing caffeine are strongly discouraged by the Utah-based faith, and strongly discouraged is merely a dog whistle for banned.
Judaism is another repressive set of customs in which it is all too easy to receive God’s never-ending scorn. Saturday is the day of worship in the Jewish faith, and the day is intended for prayer and little else. Basically, any household chore or 20th century luxury on Saturday is forbidden. Jews are not allowed to use electricity, do laundry, buy things, drive, write down/erase things, and many other menial tasks that we take for granted. These are pretty routine tasks for the average American, and yours truly isn’t about to give up his college football habit. Judaism’s version of Hell must be standing room only at this point!
Sikhism (which is not the same as Islam) may not have a conceptual belief in Hell as an afterlife destination, though it does still have rules for adherents to follow. Sikhs are explicitly forbidden from altering their hair, including facial and body hair, in any way except for cleaning it. Thus, a date with a razor or a trip to the barber shop is forbidden. Given the Western preference for men with crew cuts and clean-shaven faces, most American men would run afoul of this core tenet of Sikhism.
The lack of a post-life Hell in Sikhism brings up another interesting point about this 75-IQ quip; not all religions even have a concept of Hell to begin with. Take for example Scientology. While the 20th century ideology has a lengthy set of rules, it has no concept of Hell outside of create a shitty society and you’ll be reincarnated back into it, which is hardly a punishment for those who deny climate change or constantly cry about fake news. Thus, the phrase I’m going to Hell in every religion isn’t even possible to begin with, nor is it very descriptive of your worldly exploits or level of self-proclaimed badassery.
So, let’s sum it all up. Let’s take a typical young American StrawMan named Bob. Bob wakes up late on a Saturday, and decides to shave his five-o’clock shadow since he’s looking a little rugged. He feels a bit sluggish, and so decides to veg on the couch and catch some college football; hence Bob flicks on the TV. His stomach starts to rumble soon afterwards, so he slogs his lazy ass over to the stove and makes himself an omelet with plenty of bacon. He scarfs down the meal while his favorite team is getting absolutely pounded. Bob gets a text from his buddy Dave and decides to meet him down at the pub for a beer or two. While waiting for Dave to show up, Bob pulls out his phone and starts swiping away on Tinder. In this fairly harmless hypothetical scenario, Bob has just committed enough sins to land him into five separate Hells; no eating of babies, crack-cocaine dealing, statue desecrating, or Lamar Odom benders involved.
If you’re going to pretend to be a badass, at least be specific…
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