Coca-Cola In A Post-Legalization World

Coca-Cola; it’s a brand that often stands as an unofficial symbol of America. Coca-Cola’s marquee product has an interesting past to say the least. The original recipe of Coca-Cola is known for having cocaine in its formula. However, the heavy hand of Drunk Uncle Sam came down on the pioneering Atlanta-based entrepreneurs and mandated the removal of the stimulant. Eventually, Cold War era Republicans pushed for the laughably ineffective War on Drugs, and now legalization of recreational drugs has built sizable and consistent public support. It’s only a matter of time that full legalization of recreational drug use occurs, and Coca-Cola will be in a prime position to profit handsomely from the cultural windfall. When legalization occurs, expect original recipe Coca-Cola to make a comeback!

Now as a disclaimer, I do not condone anyone breaking the law (whether now or in the future). In fact, this article will only feature ferociously complying with the law and all assumptions made will be based off of a full legalization scenario. I’m also not going to stand here and deny or downplay any negative health consequences associated with drinking original recipe Coca-Cola. However, it is not my business what others choose to ingest; doubly so because we lack socialized health care in the United States (and hence I’m not financially on the hook for their actions). Furthermore, my stance is that decriminalization is the true way to go, however I’ll acknowledge that there is a wide gap between what Dan wants and what is most likely going to happen. Thus, I’ll spend this article addressing the most likely scenario and using real-world observations rather than any starry-eyed idealism.

Bars and nightclubs are great first options to roll out this beverage, as these establishments rely on human interaction as part of their business model (in fact, it’s part of the appeal). These establishments are already magnets for substance sales that aren’t currently licensed, such as a dealer looking to covertly close some deals. Therefore, it’s pretty easy to see that a cocaine-infused beverage would sell very well within those four walls, and more importantly, help the business owner capture more of those sweet drug dollars. Besides, alcohol is already referred to as liquid courage due to its tendency to remove inhibitions-especially regarding meeting the opposite sex, so original recipe Coca-Cola would likely earn itself a similar reputation!

Concert halls, music festivals and other similar entertainment venues are also great choices to roll out Cocaine-Cola’s original recipe. This is because performers at these venues inherently rely on the feeling of the crowd, and those attending the shows often feel a shared sensory experience. Having large numbers of customers on a drug-induced euphoria would certainly be good for business. Again, only the village idiot would believe that these places aren’t already an oasis of drug use. Therefore, it’s safe to say that original recipe Coca-Cola would fly off of the shelves in these venues. Hey now, you’re a rockstar, get the show on, get paid…

College campuses are another great place to roll out the original recipe of Coca-Cola. In case you haven’t noticed, Adderall is pretty easy to find on campus. Even perfectly legal stimulants, such as caffeine, are widely available on campuses basically anywhere you look. All of this is done with the intent to help students be more productive, as well as social benefits like being able to stay awake for much longer or to boost sensory experiences. It doesn’t take a Ph.D in neurochemistry to realize that cocaine does indeed check all of these boxes. Only a fool would claim that cocaine isn’t already present on college campuses nationwide, so there wouldn’t be much of a change to the status quo. Students looking for more fruitful study sessions, livelier brainstorms, and wilder parties will throw their precious few dollars at some original recipe Coca-Cola.

Casinos are another atmosphere in which the original recipe of Coca-Cola can truly shine. Casinos thrive off of energizing people; everything from the specifically designed lights and sounds of the slot machines, to the ever-present alcohol for those playing, to the specifically-timed payouts that give players the illusion of being able to beat The House. It is without a doubt that a cocaine-induced player is a more profitable player for The House. Again, one would have to live under a rock to claim that cocaine cannot already be found in casinos, so there wouldn’t be much of a culture shock for players. Damn, I wish I thought of this sooner…

And the thing is, Coca-Cola putting mind-altering substances into their product has already been tried before, and to rave reviews. Case-in-point, Jack and Coca-Cola comes pre-packaged now, so there definitely is a market precedent for it. And for the purists who are reading this; I hate to burst your bubble, but there’s more than enough Americans that like cocaine for this product to sell like hotcakes. The fledgling legal marijuana industry has also shown that the legalization of a drug will cause an industry to bloom.

While everybody is certainly sharpening their pitchforks right now, allow me to further anger the crowd; this wouldn’t impact the first responders all that much. That’s right, you heard me: we are already properly equipped to deal with the issue of frequent cardiac episodes. Most modern office buildings already have defibrillators because cardiac events are so common, and nearly every First Aid course shows you how to use one. As for the people who would say that this would make the jobs of cardiologists difficult, I would tell them to cry me a fucking river.

There’s also the legalization aspect of this discussion that needs to occur. Nearly everybody wants the drug war to cease (well, except for the militarized police force) in the name of freedom. The freedom that is typically intended is the freedom from mass incarceration, which is a noble goal and one that I personally agree with. However, the freedom does not stop there. The complete legalization of recreational drugs would also inherently involve the freedom of people to, you know, actually use them. Any attempt to place roadblocks regarding access and consumption to these substances is an inherent assault on freedom. Thus, one cannot honestly say that they support legalizing drugs and then also say that they support restrictions regarding their use.

However, I’m not naive enough to think that last sentence is going to win any favor. With legalization (of anything) comes the heavy hand of Drunk Uncle Sam, and only a fool would believe otherwise. Thus, we need to address what this would look like. As many of my examples of great places to sell original recipe Coca-Cola suggest, a minimum age of eighteen would be palatable for most voters. Also, the cocaine used in the production of the beverage would also need to fall within the purview of the FDA. Coca-Cola being able to prove to regulators the identity, quality and purity of its enticing ingredient would be a major selling point; I doubt anybody wants artificial fillers in their beverage. In fact, Coca-Cola could stand to be a pioneer for taking the guesswork (read: fentanyl) out of the legalized cocaine supply chain in this hypothetical (eventual?) world. Lastly, as is current practice in both alcohol and tobacco, the can will feature a small warning label; printed in tiny font on a barely-noticeable part of the can. 

As for the logistics of making this happen, this wouldn’t be too difficult for Coca-Cola to pull off in a post-legalization world. Coca-Cola already has Drunk Uncle Sam’s permission to import coca leaves to the United States, so that is a major head start in the race to the market. Coca-Cola also already has a historically agreed upon, and hence legally-defendable, intellectual property for the production of their original recipe product, so that is another competitive moat that protects the soft drink giant. Frankly, the only thing that would slow down Coca-Cola would be the building and commissioning of a regulated cocaine production facility. While this facility wouldn’t be cheap, Coca-Cola can clearly afford it. As sales of their original recipe beverage blossom into a lovely picnic for shareholders, more of these facilities can be built around the U.S, thus helping to cut down delivery times for an ever-Jonesing public.

I’ll take my MBA now…