Word choice is an incredibly powerful tool for authors, and it’s one of my personal favorites. A simple adjective can dramatically change how the reader perceives the topic being discussed, and it’s a concept I love using. I’m certainly not the only one who enjoys using this, as nearly anybody with an agenda can do so. This is most commonly seen with our left-of-center friends regarding guns, as they frequently use the word assault as a prefix. Never mind that they use the term so liberally that the term assault weapon lacks any real meaning. The name of the game isn’t definition, it’s demonization.
It’s all too easy to add assault in front of things one dislikes in order to cast it in a negative light. However, I stand on the principle of not living in The World of Should. Thus, instead of proclaiming that others shouldn’t use assault as a prefix (as doing so is antithetical to free speech), I’m going to have some fun with the concept instead. Admittedly, this general concept was inspired by a hilarious Reason.com video, but the usage of my term below are all solely my ideas/opinions (don’t go after Reason, I love those guys!). As always, keep those pitchforks razor-sharp!
One potential use of the assault pre-fix is assault cookies. I’m not referring to the delicious round pastries that we eat. Instead, I’m referring to the much more sinister digital cookies. While I’ve ranted about cookies before, I never thought of using the metaphorical muckrake on the term. These invasive-and often needless-pieces of tracking software offer no benefit to the people being traced. Not only that, but they also encourage poor salesmanship on the part of those who use them; if you want more customer insight, try talking to your fucking customers. Thus, I’ll make sure to label these harmful parasites as assault cookies from now on.
Staying in the digital realm, I’ve ranted in the past about how much I dislike TikTok. These videos are designed to be addictive and have low production value, thus they offer no real benefit to the viewer. It is common for TikTok users to complain about large blocks of their time disappearing while mindlessly scrolling the app. Often, they are shown radicalizing content as well, which also is not to the benefit of the viewer. TikTok rarely benefits the content creator as well, as audience capture is a thing and often leaves the creator just as limbically-hijacked as their viewers, if not more so. Luckily, I’m not the only one who feels this way, thus I feel the label of assault TikToks fits rather well.
Many of my same critiques regarding TikToks can also be thrown at the world of internet memes. Memes have been scientifically shown to reduce the information-processing capacity of the brain, omit vital context, spread lies, and promote radicalization, among a whole host of other issues. Specifically, these are problems inherent to the medium; it’s much easier to dodge context in a meme than it is in a book; the former is the default option while the latter requires quite a bit of skill on the part of the author to do so. It’s almost like the bravest and most scientifically-savvy Millennial author could fill an entire book on this topic. Thus, the label of assault memes seems rather appropriate.
But let’s get offline and venture out into the real world; you know, that thing that meme-lords, Redditors and TikTokers never actually do. Sadly, our nation is full of legislators that seek careerism and glory more than they do any semblance of public service. This shows in their zeal to pass new regulations concerning any number of notions that the government shouldn’t be getting involved in. This could be anything from censorship, who gets to make private investments, gun control, tax increases, restrictions on gambling companies in the form of mandatory PSA’s, abortion bans, smoking bans, laws restricting alcohol sales, the War on Drugs, and countless more. Thus, such laws can rightfully be referred to as assault regulations.
Honestly, why stop at merely regulations? Why not adorn the assault prefix onto entire government agencies? Needless government agencies such as the ATF, TSA, DEA, SEC (and I don’t mean the college football conference; we actually need that one!), and the NSA can easily be labeled as assault agencies. The employees of the heinous and disgusting organizations who impede on our freedoms can similarly be referred to as assault agents, ditto for most of the State Department and most of the FCC as well. However, I will not stop at the Feds; even municipal offices can be dubbed as assault functions if they perform an unnecessary task such as approving building permits.
I can already see the eyes rolling in the back of your head right now, akin to “Goddamn it Dan, stop being such a Libertarian!”. Fine, let’s step away from the political realm and get into something Americans are far too passionate about; food. The food industry in the United States is allowed to use additives that most other developed countries aren’t allowed to use. Furthermore, the United States cannot even export much of its processed foods to the rest of the world because the sweeteners, additives, preservatives and dyes are illegal in most nations, yet here in the United States they are fair game. Thus, I see no issue with referring to these ingredients as assault additives.
Feel free to label me as an assault writer…
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