If you’re an able-bodied man, then you owe society physical fitness; full stop. Yes, I’m serious, and yes, you read that correctly. Most of the discourse revolving around men’s physical fitness usually only covers about the benefit to the self. This is understandable, however it’s not the complete picture. In this article, I’ll only discuss the implied social contract society has with men. I won’t focus on women or the other 17 goddamn genders because I’ll be speaking mostly from experience. By physical fitness, I’m going to focus on three main areas; cardiac fitness in the higher beats-per-minute (BPM) range, lower-body strength, and core strength. I’m focusing on these areas because they are by far the most important. Dom Mazetti is already sharpening his pitchfork!
True men serve as pillars to those around them, and to the community as a whole. I’ve said that out loud and in public numerous times and have been ridiculed for it, though I still earnestly believe it. While the word pillar is mostly figurative in that context (as in providing logistical support, reassurance, accountability, et cetera), it can also be in a literal sense as well. A physically weak man will be unable to clear fallen trees from a seldom-traveled road, push a loved one’s wheelchair for three dozen miles or help their buddies move into a new home. I personally have had to do all of these tasks, and it was significantly easier after losing a bikini model’s body worth of excess weight. Men are pillars of the community, and nobody wants a pillar made of fucking Styrofoam.
While I’m no cardiologist, I strongly recommend training your heart in the highest BPM range that you possibly (and safely, #disclaimer) can. The cross-country runners are going to get mad at me, stating the importance of Zone 2 cardio. I’m not against Zone 2 cardio at all, but it isn’t the most important. High BPM range cardio is most important because emergencies happen at the high BPM range. Our caveman ancestors didn’t run from the predator in the bushes at a six-minute-mile pace, nor do high-stress situations that release adrenaline into the system happen at that tempo either. You do not want to be wheezing and doubled-over when it comes time to pull some kid out of a well or too gassed to run away from a mass shooter. These events do not happen at a comfortable 105 BPM; seriously, fuck the talk test.
Besides, when emergencies that are outside of our ability to control do occur, what do we do? That’s right, we call physically fit men. A dangerous criminal is on the loose? Call the physically fit men in blue uniforms. Your house is on fire? Call the physically fit men n brown suits and oxygen tanks. The neighboring hostile nation is invading? Call the physically fit men in green camo. According to Immanuel Kant’s writings on universal ethics, it’s unethical for an out-of-shape man to expect other men to be physically fit.
Additionally, strong core/back/legs are vital to a man’s importance to society as well. Having a strong core and lower body will make it easier to help others. During my senior high school football season, I had to carry an injured freshman football player to the trainer’s office; I was more than willing-and-able to do so. Try shoveling an elderly neighbor’s driveway while being out of shape or assisting the customer/co-worker with a heavy item if you’ve got a bad back in your early thirties. Men owe those around them physical fitness.
Speaking of the workplace, numerous studies have shown that obese employees are costly. Hence, working age men who are in the workforce that aren’t physically fit are hurting shareholders (gasp!), and the economy as a whole. While I’m a data-point of one, my job requires alertness while being on the overnight shift despite attending day-time meetings. I even catch some mild ribbing from some of my direct reports about how I could run a few miles after working the night shift. I owe them my physical fitness, and the jokes tacitly acknowledge that (even if my job isn’t all that physically strenuous).
I have some disturbing news for the nerds in the room; the human brain does not exist in a glass jar detached from the body. Thus, it makes no sense to be an insanely high-IQ individual with legs like SpongeBob or to have a gut sagging over your belt. “But Dan, I’m a flight engineer for NASA, I’m surely an exception to that rule, right?” No, no the fuck you aren’t. How useful is your top 0.0001% brain going to be if your flabby ass dies in a major-yet-preventable heart attack at 45? Are you going to be able to safely bring the astronauts back home if you’re in a premature casket?
Many Americans yearn for a future with single-payer healthcare. Let’s set aside my personal bias against the idea and assume for a moment that the United States gets socialized healthcare tomorrow morning. If you, as a man, are physically weak and hence get injured easily or suffer a needless stroke/heart attack, then you’d be a financial drain on society. Seriously, you’d be more of a drain on society than someone receiving food stamps or somebody living in public housing. Thus, if we ever do get a national healthcare system where Drunk Uncle Sam foots the bill for everyone, then men would literally owe their country a basic level of strength and cardiac fitness.
Time to address the haters! “Dan this is un-American! If I want to balloon myself to the size of a goddamn condo, then that is my unalienable right granted to me by Jesus, the Constitution, Colonel Sanders, Donald Trump, and Ronald McDonald”. When your two-ton ass needs a small village to wheel you into the ambulance, you’ll objectively be a drain on society. “Well Dan, I may be fat, but I’m strong as fuck and can bench 315. I played nose tackle in high school!” That won’t be relevant if you’re totally winded after two flights of stairs. Just face it, weak and/or grossly obese men are liabilities.
“You’re just spreading toxic masculinity!” Well, we’ve discussed that t-word before and needless to say, I disagree. Is it truly toxic to point out that our nation’s men ought to care about their communities, and that if they are physically weak or morbidly obese, then it will hamper their ability to do that? All of the tasks I mentioned in this article were either assumed skills or cultural norms just a generation or two ago. So, it’s not ridiculous to ask current-day men to be able to help their friend carry a couch without popping a blood vessel. However, if you need to label me as toxic to make yourself feel better about the fact that you’re a literal drain on society, then by all means, go ahead. Who knows, it might just make me a real writer.
Pay your debt to society…
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