Normally, I think that GOAT debates are for losers, however that doesn’t mean that they aren’t an integral part of our society now. Moreso. Political radicalization isn’t going away anytime soon (much to my benefit). Thus, rather than live in The World of Should, I’ll make the best of the hand I’ve been dealt and take on the claim that the Cult of MAGA loves to make of his all-time status. I expect a thousand sharpened pitchforks from the red-hat crowd, though very little actual refutations of my points made. So allow me to put on my sports pundit hat (eww…gross) and let me educate you on why 45 getting his ears lowered (literally) takes him out of the Republican GOAT debate entirely. Let’s begin…
Trump is merely the Republican GOAT in federal convictions. In that, his only main challenger would be Richard Nixon. Nixon is still higher than Trump on the overall Elephant GOAT list due to his back-to-back campaign wins, albeit one of those W’s coming off the heels of Watergate. Nixon managed to evade convictions like how Roethlisberger dodged a sexual assault conviction via resigning. Nixon’s lasting legacy is any sort of coverup having the suffix “-gate” attached to it. But hey, at least he didn’t egg on a Capitol coup, now did he? Thus, Trump is debatably on the same level as Nixon, no higher.
Forget about being the party’s GOAT; Trump isn’t even the party’s greatest one-term president of all time. That honor has been reserved for George Herbert Walker Bush. While the elder Bush lacked the back-to-back wins that his son would go on to accomplish, Daddy Bush left office with an approval rating 22 points higher than the Twitter addict’s. Many expert rankings have H.W Bush’s single term in office far above that of Trump’s. Keep in mind…this is all within Trump’s lifetime. Seriously, H.W Bush was even the star of a Simpson’s episode! When Bush lost to a Democrat when he was seeking a second term, there was a distinct lack of a Capitol-breach.
Trump loves to complain about the level of division in our current social and political climate. However, he knows nothing about that topic compared to the next Republican on this list…none other than Ulysess S. Grant himself. Grant served as a General during the Civil War (you know…the conflict that Trump only seems to know in rhetoric) before taking the Oval Office. Grant won two consecutive terms during the Reconstruction Era (…talk about radicalization!). Trump couldn’t even go back-to-back in a much more peaceful time, which definitely hurts his all-time legacy. This is despite stoking the flames of Civil War anger (“both sides”, amirite?). Clearly this is results unbecoming of GOAT status, much like LeBron losing to Dallas in 2011…
Trump loves to posture up on America’s adversaries, even to the point of getting into dick-length contests with his enemies. However, what is missing from the real-estate mogul is follow through. Not so with the next Repub on this list; none other than Dwight D. Eisenhower! Eisenhower racked up an impressive back-to-back campaign victories while never being danger of federal convictions. Despite Trump’s claims, it was Eisenhower who oversaw one of America’s greatest economic forward leaps in history. Oh yeah, and while Trump wanted Nazi generals, Eisenhower served as the Supreme Allied Forces Commander during World War II. If Floyd isn’t the GOAT for dodging Prime Pacquaio, then Trump isn’t the GOAT for dodging ‘Nam…
Further ahead of Trump on the Republican GOAT list is indeed a rotund son of New York City. That’s right…Teddy Roosevelt! The inspiration of one of my favorite podcasters takes third place on this list, as he rocks an impressive record of two consecutive election wins with a spotless criminal record. Not only that, Teddy Roosevelt has inspired internet meme culture (barf) nearly a century after his death in a way ToupeeMan never could. Unlike the self-proclaimed tremendous tremendous 45, Teddy overcame his medical condition to become a complete badass; bone spurs need not apply! While the lover of McGridles stopped his speech during an assassination attempt not too long ago, Teddy did no such thing. Take your lead injection like a man, for fucks sake…
We cannot forget about the man who clearly inspired Trump, Ronald Reagan. Reagan trumps The Donald on the Republican GOAT debate, and it isn’t even close. The former FBI snitch won two consecutive terms in the 80’s while racking up zero federal convictions (despite being in hot water numerous times). He survived an assassination attempt in which the bullet broke a rib and punctured a lung. That’s right; unlike the constant complainer who called himself the GOAT in 2016; Reagan was hit center-mass and survived. Not only that, but he even found some humor in the attempt, via making a Jack Dempsey joke. Later on in his presidency, a balloon popped during a speech he gave and his reaction was legendary. Undefeated, un-convicted, unfazed; OrangeMan can’t say these things…
Of course, the one undisputed GOAT was none other than my beard-sake, Abraham Lincoln. Let’s face it, most historical scholars not only rank him as the Republican GOAT, but the GOAT…period. It’s not hard to see why; the man won two uninterrupted terms in office during a literal civil war without trying to delay the election. While Donald spent 2015 flexing his financial might, nobody seemed to discuss that Lincoln literally is money; both the penny and five-dollar bill bear his likeness. Also, when an assassin paid Lincoln a visit, Lincoln was shot in the head, he took it like a champ without milking it for mass media hysteria. Lincoln did all of this in an era without constant Secret Service protection either. Truly, a badass who would translate well to any era. Abraham Lincoln is quite simply the GOAT.
Donald is a Duck…not a GOAT
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