Recently, I wrote an article in which I detailed the Republican GOAT debate. Thus, not wanting to be accused of bias, I’ve decided to do the same thing, this time focusing on the jackasses instead of the obese circus animals. Much like the last article, I’ll embrace my not-so-inner douchebag and cover politics in the same broken language that athletes are often discussed. Moreover, I’ll keep up my toxic ways by basically making lengthy undefeated runs a requirement.
I’ll start this article off with a snub, one that I expect razor-sharp pitchforks over. JFK is not a candidate for this list despite his immense popularity. The charismatic New Englander won the hearts of Americans convincingly and had a lot of early career success, most notably with the Cuban Missile Crisis. However, his tenure had one fatal flaw; his time as President was abruptly cut short, hence we have a far too limited sample size to pull from. He essentially had a fraction of the career that he otherwise should’ve had. In a way, he’s like the Andrew Luck of Presidents. JFK’s premature casket left his backup to finish a lot of the civil rights work that he started, which damages his legacy. No grazing on the GOAT pasture for you, son-of-a-billionaire…
Bill Clinton is certainly up there on the list of Blue Legends. Balanced, not radicalized was the name of his game, and he showed this approach early and often. Clinton deftly maneuvered air superiority in the former Yugoslavia, thus keeping American boots off of the ground while making a meaningful difference. He also holds the all-time record for Oval Office blowjobs, despite being on the same political team as the Lady-Slayer Himself JFK. Clinton went back-to-back and was impeached though wasn’t removed, thus leaving a high-water mark that an obese Orange failed to measure up to.
While I expect a lot of cries of recency bias on this next one, I won’t let that stop me from putting him on the list. Barack Obama holds the distinction of being the first, and to date, only, Black POTUS in the history of the game. Being the only at anything does indeed make a lasting mark on a legacy, sharpened pitchforks be damned. Putting aside his color, he wound down US involvement in Iraq despite his predecessor claiming “Mission Accomplished”. This came while simultaneously taking out Bin Laden. Outside of his back-foot knockout of the world’s most wanted man scumbag, Obama got his prized Affordable Care Act through, which still survives despite several ferocious Elephant attempts to repeal it; a truly lasting legacy.
Everyone loves when the backup quarterback can step into the game and lead the team to victory (shoutout to Chad Henne!). It’s another matter entirely to take over the big job long term when you took over during one of the most impactful moments ever. I’m of course referring to Harry Truman. His boss kicked the bucket shortly after election, thus Truman needed to finish out the term. There was a little conflict that America was involved in during that time that you might’ve heard of called World War II. Truman fearlessly stepped in and ended the war with a bang. He then set-up legacy-bolstering NATO, which continues to be an anti-Russian bulwark to this day, thus bolstering his all-time legacy.
Andrew Jackson is a surefire mention on this list of All-Time Democrat Greats, though he isn’t the GOAT. His name has certainly shot up the list, quite literally, despite his otherwise lackluster Presidential accomplishments. The trigger-happy Carolinian garnered a reputation for one not to be fucked with on account of his propensity for dueling…and I’m not talking about Yu-Gi-Oh. While scholars disagree on the exact number of dead rivals that Jackson left in his wake, the fact that the number is higher than zero (and is rumored to be in the hundreds according to some sources) is pretty damn impressive. He lived up to his moniker of Old Hickory as he ensured that his would-be assassin tasted the backside of his cane. The kids these days are so soft, with their Secret Service protection details and whatnot; they just don’t make ‘em like they used to…
Finally, we arrive at the GOAT of Donkeys. The number one greatest Democrat of all time is none other than The Man Himself Franklin Delano Roosevelt. There is one simple reason; the man won not one, not two, but four straight elections; #Dynasty. After FDR died suddenly, Drunk Uncle Sam, spearheaded by a bunch of butthurt Republicans quickly enacted the 22nd amendment, thus forbidding such a one-sided run from ever happening again. I don’t care what venue it is: if you dominate the game so badly that they have to change the rules in order to prevent a repeat, then you’re the GOAT!
Those who disagree with me may consult with the philosopher Big Sean.
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