Back in the day, the only real discussion surrounding steroid use was in the context of baseball. A lot of the talking points on the topic back in 2005 used flowery language such as it’ll ruin your legacy and you’ll always ask ‘What if?’. Today’s anabolic dope-fiends are a different breed from the Canseco’s of years’ past, and there are different reasons that both athletes and non-athletes use them. Thus, I’m going to go over why a young person really shouldn’t touch the needle.
I’m a pragmatist at heart, so I’m not going to focus on any such nonsense such as the love of the game, combating body dysmorphia, it’s unethical, or any other ridiculous garbage like that. Instead, I’ll focus on telling hard-hitting and uncomfortable truths (because somebody fucking has to). Truthfully, unless you’re a Major League Baseball (MLB) player, it financially isn’t worth it to use steroids. Yes, I’m serious, and yes, you read that correctly.
MMA fighters have an objectively rough life. Besides the inherent physical dangers of the sport (doubly so against a roided-up opponent, which is far more common than you think), there is the fact that the pay rate in MMA is so pitifully low. The UFC, the chief organization in the sport, has a notably poor reputation with paying fighters. Dana White is known to throw red herrings regarding the even-wider disparity in boxing; his argument is essentially we aren’t as bad as those guys. However, that isn’t a real argument as, for the majority of the roster, the pay is absolute shit. To make matters worse, MMA is not a career known for its longevity; your original contract might be the only one you ever get. Seriously, the pay is barely enough to cover the cost of a heart attack that you’d be statistically waaaay more likely to have later in life due to PED use. Honestly, don’t take roid’s kids…you can’t afford it.
Next, there’s bodybuilding. Nobody with two brain cells to rub together has any serious notion that bodybuilding is clean. Seriously, they even have a division that’s labeled as tested to differentiate itself from the main division of the sport. It’s a rough life as a professional bodybuilder since the pay is utter shit. Seriously, the fifth-placed guy at Mr. Olympia made goddamn $35,000 for his heroic effort; that’s less than what the median MLB player makes in one fucking week. Honestly, it’s not even enough to cover the price of a stroke, which statistically speaking is far more likely if you’re on the juice. Just think about what the mediocre bodybuilder who doesn’t place at all earns; can you buy creatine with food stamps?
I used to say that MMA is the new baseball regarding PED use. While that is true, there is another force in society that is flooding the streets with anabolic steroids more than MMA, baseball, or bodybuilding combined. Forget about athletes, I’m of course talking about influencers. Yes, you read that right and yes, I’m serious. Influencers in the fitness community have been known to enhance themselves. Noel Dryzel is dirty AF, as was Liver King, and Greg Doucette. In fact, more and more influencers now are pretty open about the fact that they aren’t Natty. No seriously, it’s pretty blatant.
However, all is not well in the land of the limbically-hijacked. Very few wind up with the careers of Mr.Beast or our future President. In fact, there was a survey done on nearly 1900 professional dabbers that shows the average earnings were less than $3000 per month. Keep in mind that this is the average, which is skewed by outliers such as the aforementioned PrimeBoy, and not the median. Translation; most influencers are ruining their long-term health at the end of the syringe tip for far less than $36,000 per year. Seriously, instead of saying Like and Subscribe they ought to be saying Welcome to WalMart; it’s just as lucrative most of the time, and at least WalMart might actually give you health insurance at some point…
Keep in mind, I’m using examples of professional MMA fighters, Singaporean Dance Monkeys, bodybuilders, and baseball players. Needless to say, these people are at the top of their fucking game, which most humans walking the face of this planet will never reach. And the top of their fucking game is not a pinnacle that is paved with Benjamins outside of the baseball diamond. To put it bluntly, the juice is not worth the squeeze for these professionals, thus it obviously wouldn’t be worth it for the Average Joe.
“Well Dan, why the hell do you keep bringing up money? Do you have a one-track mind or something?” one reader will eventually ask. Well first, yeah I kinda do have a one-track mind about this stuff. But more importantly, we live in America; a nation with no single-payer healthcare system for most citizens (although, most professional bodybuilders, MMA fighters, and Singaporean Spyware Agents would literally qualify for Medicaid in most states). Thus, if you choose to inject yourself with some circa-2005 baseball candy, then you’re financially on the hook for paying for these risks yourself. Guess what, TikTok isn’t going to give your stupid-dancing-ass health insurance for being incredibly lit, you dumbass. In case you needed another reminder; health care is fucking expensive.
“Fine Dan, I’m a roid monkey but I want to turn over a new leaf. I’ll just go to in-patient rehab to get clean. They’ll be readily available right?” J. Jonah Jameson shone some light on this twenty years ago. I have already covered this topic before, but suffice it to say that there’s a roughly 9-in-10 chance that you’ll be left out on your own if you choose to go that route. Yeah, have fun with that with zero medical supervision, you broke-ass roid monkey. You shouldn’t have started juicing in the first place. Is it incredibly callous to say that? Yes. Is it consistent with how we treat addicts of other drugs here in America? Yes. Deal with it, junkie…
Don’t use roids, it literally isn’t worth it….
Home Page 