To quote Staind; It’s Been Awhile. I’ve had some nagging thoughts in my head lately, and while most of these are almost the length of a full article, I just felt that it would be better to shotgun them out in a Scraps article rather than pad out their length artificially. To paraphrase Brad Pitt, the fight ends when the other guy goes limp. As always, I expect razor-sharp pitchforks…
Andrew Tate’s Future: Master Roshi
Admittedly, this article began in it’s seed form as many of my articles tend to; a shitpost amongst my loved ones. One night, it hit me that Andrew Tate will age into becoming Master Roshi from Dragon Ball in thirty more years (you know, after he dodges legal issues). Spurred on by this incredible discovery of mine, I did what any sensible Millennial would do; I grabbed my smartphone and shitposted that idea to my closest friends. One of whom, a fellow nocturnal, texted me back within a few minutes, ordering me to stop the “Roshi slander”. However, my beloved left-leaning friend does not seem to see that Tate and Roshi’s lives have followed similar paths, and that the two have more in common than many care to acknowledge.
I’m not just here to make surface-level comparisons regarding their mutual love of shaved heads, dark reflective sunglasses, and facial hair (though it’s certainly true). No, I’ll go a level beyond that; Roshi spent his days as a younger man inside the ring and racked up quite the impressive resume, eventually becoming champion of the world martial arts tournament in the original Dragon Ball series. Roshi’s in-ring persona was an intense one; a full head of hair, no sunglasses, and a bias towards aggression. Compare that to his real-life counterpart, Cobra Tate. Tate was known for his sheer indefatigability and unmatched perspicacity , which certainly made him a feared opponent. Tate had racked up four world championship kickboxing titles before retiring from the sport.
Roshi and Tate share more similarities in their respective retirements from the ring. Both of them maintained peak physical forms; Tate’s physique allows him to best many men a decade younger them himself. Tate routinely shows in casual sparring sessions that he still effectively dictates range and has amazing ring control. Roshi in early Dragon Ball displayed some Herculean feats of quickness, speed, endurance and power. Despite being an elderly man in disguise, Roshi was able to defeat Goku in the finals of the World Martial Arts Tournament.
In a way, the fact that Tate and Roshi have both maintained such vitality in their post-fighting careers is a testament to their discipline. Both men have the financial means to rest on a hammock for the rest of their lives, get soft and die a comfortable death. However, neither one of them chose the path of sloth, and their physiques and feats bear testimony to that. Tate and Roshi have both outwardly proclaimed that a martial artist’s life is the only life for me.
Both legendary fighters are known to have run schools in remote places of the world. Roshi famously trained Goku, Krillin, and Yamcha on the tropical island he lived on. Tate, meanwhile, has also run schools for men aspiring to become mini-Tate’s. These include Hustler’s University, The Real World and The War Room. Like Roshi’s Turtle Academy, The War Room has a mandatory combat aspect to it that no amount of money can buy the participants out of.
Let’s not beat around the thick hairy bush; both Tate and Master Roshi have some hard-coded views on women. Some would even say that both Master Roshi and Andrew Tate have committed sexual offenses, though it’s important to note that at the time of this writing Tate remains without a conviction on his record. Roshi, despite his leering, has stayed off of a sex offender registry throughout the entirety of the Dragon Ball universe. In a way, it is refreshing to see both Roshi and Tate be so open with their heterosexuality; there lies a certain comfort in overt honesty.
Sorry homie, but “slander” implies that it’s false…
Of MOATs and Kings…
This isn’t the only shitpost of this article; not by a long shot. As many thoughts from my differently-working brain tend to do, a novel insight hit me out of seemingly nowhere. Of course, I found this too irresistible to keep to myself, thus I reached for my phone and consulted The Wisemen’s Committee. Normally, The Committee usually disavows my shitposts, though this time they all weirdly picked up what I was intellectually putting down; that’s how I knew that I had a winner on my hands. Too much attention is paid to the GOAT and the WOAT, but not the MOAT.
Essentially the MOAT stands for the Mid of All Time in a given endeavor. Not to be confused with The GOAT of which we are all familiar with by now, the MOAT is meant to signify the middle of the road for greatness. The MOAT is one who lives on the stretch of road roughly around not bad to pretty good but is squarely outside the territory of being a legend.
Similarly, the acronym serves as another purpose. As the pronunciation implies, the MOAT serves as a gatekeeper for greatness. What do I mean by that, you ask? Basically, one cannot seriously claim to be an all-time legend worthy of immortalization in the eyes of the public or a Hall of Fame induction if their resume does not, at minimum, surpass the MOAT’s. One must cross over the treacherous moat in order to storm the Castle of Greatness and this has never been an easy task, whether in medieval Eastern Europe or in the realm of sports, entertainment, business or history.
“Damn it Dan, give me some examples!” an angsty reader will demand. Fine. We’ll start off in sports, especially in the realm of quarterbacks. While the pundits (eww…. pundits) are polluting the airwaves with Brady-GOAT mantras to fill dead-space in their program schedules, very little time is paid to who the MOAT is. Ryan Fitzpatrick is one such candidate for the MOAT role. Fitzpatrick (aka FitzMagic or The Amish Rifle) was a serviceable NFL quarterback for most of his career. He provided generally stable play at the position; racking up nearly 35,000 yards and over 220 touchdowns during his time in the league. However, he never made a single ProBowl during his 17-year career. He was often signed as a stop-gap solution while teams searched for their long-term answer or to show a younger, less-polished, and less-disciplined young-un on the roster how it’s properly done (such as his time spent in Miami and Tampa). No NFL quarterback can claim to have a noteworthy legacy until they surpass Fitzpatrick’s resume. He is The MOAT!
Will Smith’s rapping career is another example of MOAT status. For those who think that there are more than 700 Pokemon, let me learn you a thing or two about the old days. Will Smith originally started as a rapper in the 90’s, though he quickly ran into tax debt. He then turned to acting, and the rest was history as Smith became a legend on the silver screen. Smith’s rapping career had a few noteworthy hits (such as Wild Wild West and Switch). However, nobody in their right mind puts smith along the greats such as Kanye, Jay-Z, Eminem, Biggie, Tupac, etc. Again, one cannot claim to spit hot fire on the mic if their resume cannot compete with the architect of Get Jiggy Wit It.
While the NBA still has a harsh internal debate regarding Michael vs LeBron as GOAT, personally we need to anoint a MOAT. I feel that Tracy McGrady fits perfectly into that role. During his prime, he was a very streaky scorer, often proving difficult to guard when he was On. However, he was bitten by the injury bug several times, so he never lived up to the expectations of the pundits who were picked last in high school. Tracy McGrady is in the Hall of fame, though nobody watching him during for most of his career would seriously claim that he’s an all-time great.
“Give me something of actual consequence, Dan!” a short-fused reader will demand of me. Fine, how about US Presidents? Barrels of ink has been spilled professing the likes of Washington and Lincoln as Presidential GOATS (hell we even blasted their faces onto mountains!). Likewise, there is also talk regarding who the worst President ever to hold office was; names such as Garfield, Cleveland and Fillmore commonly come up in these contexts. However, nobody ever discusses who the MOAT President is. One viable candidate for MOAT POTUS is Ulysess S. Grant; the former Union General inherited a post-Civil War nation divided. Grant managed to hold the nation together under trying circumstances, though is still better known for his days combatting the Confederacy than he is re-integrating them.
One cannot become King if they cannot get past the MOAT…
SpongeBob Is a Gen Z Caricature
SpongeBob SquarePants is an iconic American cartoon character. Shortly after his debut in the late 90’s, he skyrocketed in fame and quickly became an enduring logo, rivaling that of Mickey Mouse on the Western landscape. However, SpongeBob serves as more than just a popular fictional character; he’s a behavioral example that many seem to emulate more than they realize. Like Plankton, I fully expect an angry mob to form at my front door, though that will not stop me from spouting the truth.
SpongeBob SquarePants has unknowingly become a blueprint for Gen Z, though not in the intended ways. One such way is that SpongeBob SquarePants lacks a valid driver’s license. The yellow sponge seemingly cannot soak up the requisite knowledge in order to pass his road test. This has tracked pretty well with Gen Z, as many of whom seemingly do not yearn for the open road as previous generations have. As an aside, Abagail Shrier’s book discusses this in great detail.
Another way that SpongeBob is a Gen Z icon is that he works a barely-above minimum wage job. He spends his day in the hot kitchen of The Krusty Krab, which Anthony Bourdain made clear is not an easy life. Worse off, SpongeBob works for an employer that does not seem to truly value him a large percentage of the time that he is on the job. Again, this has a lot of parallels with the current crop of young people as the Great Labor Shortage of 2021 displayed in full force.
SpongeBob similarly is the Gen Z’s towering golden statue in the fact that he has no clear romantic prospects on the horizon. I can hear the collective sharpening of the pitchforks from a thousand overweight Karen’s as I write this. “Dan!” they’ll shriek “This is a children’s cartoon character! He’d have no business pursuing the opposite sex!”. Putting aside the fact that I just got these radical liberals to admit that there are only two genders, let me de-bunk their poorly-thought-out claim; Johnny Bravo was another children’s show from the 90’s, and it depicted the titular character’s pursuit of women. Thus, this is entirely fair game. While SpongeBob has a female friend in Sandy, there is no clear romantic chemistry between the two of them, nor does SpongeBob show any interest in her through that lens. Anyone who has paid attention to Scott Galloway recently can see the painfully clear parallels.
In large part due to his vast reserves of happiness, SpongeBob also struggles with picking up on social cues. His inability to read the room is yet another trait he has in common with the typical viewer of his shows. This is most commonly displayed during his interactions with his neighbor/co-worker Squidward. Squidward is pretty overt about his disdain for his angular colleague, though SpongeBob still forces interactions with Squidward regardless of the cephalopod’s wishes. In a way, some would say that SpongeBob is mildly autistic, which matches pretty well with our current collective of young people.
However, SpongeBob has some tendencies that separate him from the large majority of his fanbase. SpongeBob seems to have an air of unshakable happiness that Gen Z’s would do well to replicate. Despite being a sea-dweller that would not fare well in an acidified ocean, SpongeBob does not let the world get him down in most cases. More often than not, SpongeBob is seen gallivanting around his community in an almost naïvely blissful state. The sentient sponge seems to do all of this without the use of constant therapy, safe spaces, trigger warnings, anti-depressants, or emotional hand-holding. He’s as emotionally resilient as his outward physique would suggest. The modern American would only stand to benefit by being a lot more like SpongeBob in this regard.
Another such example of his sharp swerve away from his viewership is SpongeBob’s sense of community. SpongeBob is a prominent figure in the fictional town of Bikini Bottom. He is often seen traveling the town by foot, socializing with his fellow inhabitants, and exploring all that his surroundings have to offer. Contrast this with the typical young person today, where the chief concern is the silent collapse of the third space that much of our social fabric depends on. Gen Z could stand to be a little more like SpongeBob in this avenue.
Now, if we could all be a little more like Mr. Krabs…
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