A common adage here in America is you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. That quip (referred to as “the phrase” in this article) is constantly spewed by the Self-Improvement Industrial Complex as a means of spurring action and inciting inner reflection. With that said, there’s a ton of baggage with the phrase that nobody wants to acknowledge. Luckily, yours truly is unafraid of saying the harsh truths, sharpened pitchforks be damned.
An obvious, though uncomfortable, flaw with the phrase is that it is outdated. While we are connected more than ever before, we are increasingly more physically isolated. Rather than spending time with those we cherish face-to-face, increasingly this is happening through a screen. Thus the “five people you spend the most time with” is more and more becoming nobody at all.
Given that, if we are indeed the average of the five people that we spend the most time with, then society is devolving into a vast ocean of nobodies; little more than empty husks. While that might work well for Organization XIII or Andrew Tate’s Matrix-themed rhetoric, this is not normally the speaker’s intent.
But let’s say for the sake of argument that the speaker factored in modern technology and social trends, and fully intended what they said. Thus, the speaker is suggesting that if we spend our time interacting with five extremists on 4chan boards, then we’ll get radicalized. Granted, they are correct to a certain degree. However, the speaker is usually not prepared to have this discussion; few in polite society are. The phrase is more of a gateway to an unpleasant rabbit hole than many realize.
But enough assuming, and let’s move to how the phrase is actually used. Much like my lambasting of “Get Your Shit Together”, the phrase is all too frequently weaponized. What I mean by that is the speaker usually aims the phrase at their target as a means of backhanded motivation. One common example immediately following the phrase is and all of your friends smoke weed/play videogames/work at WalMart/et cetera. The phrase is typically followed with a tongue-lashing revolving around career choice and long-term goal setting.
In this quite-common context, the speaker delivers the phrase with a sneering air of condescension, as if they are the Grand Arbiter of Motivation. In a way, the phrase used in this context is the opposite of “We’re Proud of You”. With the exception of the speaker’s still-dependent child, I’d like to de-stigmatize Elon’s wisdom as a legitimate counter to the phrase.
Curiously, I wonder how much these middle-aged Grand Arbiters would appreciate the phrase being weaponized against them the way they weaponize it against young men of America? Try connecting pop antidepressants like breath mints/are fifty pounds overweight/are barely-functioning alcoholics/hate their job yet do nothing to change careers at the end of the phrase and see the response you get.I’d wager that those who normally love the phrase would not appreciate it being used against them in this context.
I also personally dislike the phrase because it robs the target of their agency. The phrase has a baked in assumption that 100% of humans will conform to their environment. However, the phrase ignores rebels and outliers alike. This is a high-agency blog, and so-called “black sheeps” do exist, whether the speaker cares to acknowledge that fact or not. If the phrase were 100% universal, then there would be no such thing as “The Man”.
“Alright Dan, you’ve made your point, but what do we do?” I’m glad you asked! Why not just acknowledge that life is a game and somebody else might have different objectives than you (Gasp!). “Fuck you, Dan; give me something a little more action-oriented!” Fine. Instead of using the phrase out of condemnation, why not just introduce your target to someone who can help them achieve their goals? Yes, that involves getting to know the target and determining their desires, motivations, and obstacles. Then it requires matching all of that to someone in your mental Rolodex. “Dan, that sounds like work” Yeah, that’s because it is; you don’t get to hand-wave away your problems.
Language is as much of a weapon as it is a tool…
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