Fast Food Insulin

Fast food and insulin; two terms that seem to be diametrically opposed to each other. The first is a known destroyer of all things health and vitality, while the second is hailed as a life-saving miracle of modern medicine. But what do I mean by fast food insulin? The concept is simple; any venue that sells sugary items is likely going to sell a small vial of insulin and a syringe/needle within the next few years. Not just merely selling it, it’ll be a featured item on the menu, listed clear as day on the wall behind the counter at the movie theatre or sitting at the register of the convenience store.

Do I want this? Frankly no. However, there is a gap between What Dan wants and what is most likely going to happen. Thus, the much smarter move is plan for the likely scenario, if it happens, then society will be better off prepared than not. If not, then that is an objectively good thing. And to the angry mob at my front door; I expect razor sharp pitchforks!

Truthfully, fast-food insulin is closer to happening than many of you think. Insulin is already sold over the counter. That is a major step towards having it be sold everywhere. We currently live in a world in which medicines such as cough syrup and aspirin are available even in convenience stores. Hell, I took my COVID-19 booster inside of a fucking grocery store. So, is it really all that crazy to sell insulin with a Big Gulp at 7-11?

There’s a practical benefit to this. In case you haven’t noticed, America is quickly becoming a nation of Type 2 Diabetics. In recent years, biohazardous sharps bins have become increasingly more common as diabetics need a safe place to dispose of needles. So, from an infrastructure standpoint, many of our junk food venues are already equipped to deal with this. Keeping a slightly higher inventory of sharps bins would really just be a cost of doing business.

With that said, diabetics aren’t my main focus. No, instead it is going to be on the standard American. The unhealthy, but not clinically diabetic, American; slovenly plowing processed food into the trash disposal in the front of their faces. Fast food insulin would be available as a near-recreational drug. Having insulin on the menu at our nation’s amusement parks, movie theaters, burger joints, shopping malls, fast casual restaurants, coffee shops, and stadiums would effectively shield the obese American from the consequences of their poor decisions. And that is the real selling point here.

“But Dan!” some Karen will shriek “that isn’t true at all! Long term insulin dependence will have some serious health implications. Using insulin all willy-nilly isn’t a free ride in the long run!” It’s not too often that the pudgy little Karen is right, as she crushes a 450 calorie Starbucks milkshake-disguised-as-coffee. But this time, she’s spot on. However, her point isn’t relevant because the typical American isn’t focused on long-term planning. Fuck no, we’ve become an instant gratification nation.

Seriously, what is the most dire short-term risk? Someone will dose themselves with too much insulin and fade into unconsciousness as their blood sugar bottoms out? While I’ll concede that this can be dangerous if left untreated, the likelihood is quite low of it ever progressing to that point.

What makes me say that? Well, the first aid response to this situation is to administer glucose to the patient, and damn near every office building’s first aid kit already has that. Pretty much every first responder now carries Narcan with them for fucks sake, so having them carry InstaGlucose isn’t such a wild idea (assuming it isn’t already common practice). Failing that, good old sugary food will work just as well. In case you haven’t noticed, sugary food is fucking everywhere here in America (hence this article). So, it’s a total non-issue…

“Seriously Daniel!” Karen will shriek again “Turning insulin into a fast-food menu item will only make the jobs of endocrinologists harder! Think of the strain on the doctors!” Those who are familiar with my handiwork can see this counter-point coming from a mile away; cry me a fucking river.

Besides, it’s not like Americans are against open use of needles in public. “That’s so not true, Dan!” Karen strikes back “Needle use in public is disgusting, unsafe, and unbecoming of a good Christian nation!” Be that as it may, I’m a firm believer in actions (and more importantly, lack thereof) speaking louder than words. California has been running a needle exchange program for decades under the broken thinking of well, they’re going to do it anyways, so we might as well. Hence, this leads me to believe that America will absolutely tolerate this; we already have, and for way worse drugs than insulin.

“Jesus Christ, Dan; having a bunch of dirty needles everywhere is just going to make bloodborne disease much more common. The risk of accidental needle pricks will just shoot up (haha, get it? See what I did there? Shoot up.) exponentially!” Well Karen, I hate to burst your bubble, but that horse has left the barn long ago. Spoiler alert, that horse is never coming back. I’m on Team Accept Reality.

Admittedly, I’m relatively late to the consumer healthcare fad. In case you haven’t’ noticed, health spas and shopping malls now have walk-in salons where you can literally get an IV of Vitamin B12 hooked up to you . So clearly, Americans will readily embrace medicine as a fashion statement. So, I’ll turn the tables on our not-so-beloved Karen: how is an obese American using insulin as a chaser for their fourth Burger King apple pie really any different?

Some ideas are too sweet to pass up…