So yeah, we’re doing this again. This is a collection of simple yet profound thoughts that have hit my differently functioning brain. Unlike my main articles, these are tidbits that I was not able to produce into full-length pieces. Rather than dilute my product with sub-par fillers, I’ve decided to just give all of you my small-yet-concentrated doses instead. Enjoy!
The New Looney Tunes and My Congressional Platform
For those who haven’t noticed, The Looney Tunes have been re-released on HBO Max. However, this isn’t just an HD remastering of old footage. Instead, the content is being updated for more modern viewers, most pointedly Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam have had their guns confiscated. Elmer Fudd now hunts Bugs Bunny using a scythe instead of his trusty old shotgun.
While many Libertarian bloggers would take this opportunity to bemoan the erasure of firearms from the classic franchise as an assault on freedom, I’m not going to do this. To the contrary, this new portrayal of LeBron’s second most inept set of teammates (I see you, ’07 Cavaliers!) actually reinforces my most prominent stance for my future Congressional run.
As you can see. while the guns have been removed there is still copious use of explosives. Surprisingly, this modern adaptation scored really well with viewers, garnering high popularity. Given the lack of cancellation attempts hurled towards the beloved fictional rabbit, it’s safe to say that much of middle America approves of this depiction.
This is quite telling, as it shows some level of mainstream cultural acceptance with using explosives as home defense weapons. After all, Bugs Bunny was just in his home (the natural habitat) when an armed intruder came in and tried to violently assault him.
Having the will of the people behind a measure is normally a great first step in getting a bill signed into law. Admittedly, more will be needed. For example, there needs to be either significant political capital spent or an overwhelming one-party rule in the House, Senate, and White House to get this done. Some PR control will be necessary, but that is hardly the limiting factor.
“Dan, you’re reading far too much into this!” Our lovely Karen retorts from the heated leather seats of her SUV “It’s not like Warner Brothers is showing the fallout of defensive explosives usage.” As previously stated, Karen is correct but on a totally irrelevant point. For decades they showed Elmer Fudd shooting Daffy at point-blank range with zero repercussions, with little public backlash. Furthermore, gun attitudes have gotten even more lax. In fact, in 1959 nearly 60% of polled Americans supported a handgun ban, today it’s less than 30%.
Since we teach this concept to kids, then it must be okay…
In Critique of Pundits Pt.VII: I’ve Cracked the Code
For as long as I’ve been dunking on pundits, it seems that I haven’t fully understood the pseudo-profession. While I was absolutely correct in calling these so-called people colossal wastes of human capital, I never stopped to observe the word pundit itself.
The word pundit has no actual etymology behind it. This is not a term that has been used for the vast majority of human history, yet it has metastasized into our modern lexicon. That’s when it hit me; pundit isn’t a word at all. Instead, it is an acronym standing for Practically Useless Nerd Delivering Idiotic Takes.
Like seriously, when was the last time that our nation was in great political turmoil and somebody stopped to say Hey let’s ask Van Jones and Sean Hannity what we should do! Go ahead; I’ll wait.
The hands of a pundit know not the callouses of working in the field or muddling through the trenches. While they may have resume’s that allow them to appeal to authority, they have never been nor will ever be the man in the arena. It’s one thing to sit in a booth at CNN and critique a President for not getting a deal done, it’s a whole different matter reaching across the political aisle to make a compromise for the greater good. Ditto for lambasting a CEO on CNBC versus having to face investors after a difficult quarter.
As such, the Delivering Idiotic Takes part makes a lot more sense. Take the preferred sock-puppet of Disney Sports Network; Stephen A. Smith. The former Division II benchwarmer launched a pundit career saying Kwame Brown can’t play basketball. However, Brian Scalabrine showed the ignorance of this statement as he utterly annihilated a former D1 player, among many other highly-credentialed challengers.
Pundit; not a real job, not a real word.
Simpin’ Ain’t Easy
A man with low self-worth has no choice but to keep his simp hand strong. How does the modern limp-wristed male do that? Simple; he must work his dexterity by constantly scrolling the screen of his smartphone. “Dan” one angry Karen might say, “you can’t paint in broad strokes like that! Most of society does that now!”. While the obese bowl-cut might be right for once (and setting aside the fact that I doubt most of my readers want to be “most of society”), there is more nuance here.
See, one keeps his simp hand strong by scrolling through a woman’s Instagram, Facebook, and OnlyFans feeds. He then must comment on each photo, and leave some sort of dopamine hit (Likes, Hearts, what-the-fuck-ever). The simp ensures that his simp hand remains strong as he heaps remote affirmations onto the queen that hardly acknowledges his existence. Little does the simp know (or care?) that each dose of dopamine is actually hurting her.
Simpin’ ain’t easy either, as there is a cost to the man who debases himself in the eyes of women. Through keeping his simp hand strong, the simp is barreling down a treacherous road filled with eye strain and carpal tunnel. And those are only the physical symptoms of how simpin’ ain’t easy. The dangers of male simpin’ go far beyond simple ergonomics.
I won’t spill too much ink on it here, but suffice it to say that there is an emotional/mental aspect to being a stiletto-licker. However, an often-undiscussed toll is often a literal one; financially. Forget about paying for dates, a desired woman would never lower herself so much as to be seen out in public with a simp. Instead, the financial strain is caused by the tall male (I hesitate to use the word man in this context) by subscribing to her OnlyFans or through CashApp payments in exchange for messages written by bots or exploited Asians.
One of Katt Williams’ highlight specials is called It’s Pimpin’ Pimpin’, which came out in the late 2000’s. Williams has developed a reputation for his material in which he unabashedly recounts tales of keeping the women of his life in check. He is the epitome of Pimpin’ ain’t easy. However, there are comics that are on the polar opposite end of the spectrum.
Enter Louis CK. Sharpen your pitchforks now, but I’ll say the unpopular opinion: Louis CK is not all that funny, and no self-respecting man should try to emulate him. Credit where it’s due: the fat balding ginger actually has the cojones to get up on the stage and present. However, he is a clear 180 from Williams. The pudgy divorcee often regales stories of him simpin’ to the extreme. Funny, Dave Chapelle doesn’t need to do this…
Fans of the famed Eastern European entrepreneur Andrew Tate often refer to him as a Positively Inspirational Motivational Person; the acronym reference being quite clear. However, much like Williams and Louis CK, there is a polar opposite to this one as well. I’d like to introduce the Sadness Inducing Melodramatic Person. Seriously, have you ever interacted with a spineless man and felt anything other than pity and second-hand embarrassment? Yeah, me neither.
Jay-Z once rhymed that ladies is pimps too. While the elderly rapper is correct in his assertion, the reverse is true as well; ladies can also be simps. This is known all throughout Hollywood and pick-up circles; men with enough clout can absolutely attract female followers ready at their sexual commands with little in-the-moment effort. Google the escapades of Drake or Leonardo DiCaprio if you don’t believe me.
Life is all about choices…
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