Let’s be honest, it would be pretty cool if a Star Wars skin got layered over our existing world. Face it, instead of smartphones, we’d have the holographic-projection devices that are commonplace in the Lucas universe. While we’d have the technology to achieve unfathomable things, we’d mostly use them to live in our own little bubbles. Just because the technology would jump to light speed, that doesn’t mean our brains would. Unsheathe your pitchfork-lightsaber as I go over what this cosmic doom-scroll would look like.
Qui-Gonn Jinn is one Star Wars character that would translate well to our culture. For those not in-the-know, Qui-Gonn is the Jedi master portrayed by Liam Neeson in The Phantom Menace. He frequently defies the will of the Jedi council, which would absolutely resonate with our modern right-wing culture of distrusting the shadowy deep-state. Moreover, Qui-Gonn has a penchant for taking on multiple apprentices. He once trained Count Dooku, and for a brief time agreed to take on both Obi-Wan and Anakin.
How would this translate into the modern social media era? Simple really; Qui Gonn could easily sell himself online as a lifestyle guru. His punchy one-line speech patterns translate well to the TikTok world we live in (barf), which would attract customers students. Next would come the big sell; Qui-Gonn would then lure those at the top of the funnel into paying exorbitant fees for his warrior boot camp. I wonder if Bugatti makes intergalactic spaceships?
Luke Skywalker also translates well to the modern era. However, he would not be an influencer. No, instead the young Skywalker would be the influenced. That’s right, Luke would be one of the first to leave his homeland in order to join a militant religious group. What’s wrong, don’t believe me? Don’t take my word for it; read it and weep.
Leia would thrive in the follower count as the no-nonsense, take-charge #GirlBoss that would make all of the hairy-legged feminists cheer You Go Girl in unison. However, like many stunners spouting women’s empowerment talking points on Instagram, she’d pay a visit to a desert hellscape with arbitrary enforcement of rules to become little more than a sex-object for the powerful . Oops, did I just tell too much truth again?.
Sebulba would absolutely rise to prominence in these new algorithmic horizons. For those who irrationally hate the prequels, Sebulba is the little blue alien who flies around Tatooine gambling on pod races. In this post-2018 world, Sebulba would absolutely be living it up with FanDuel, DraftKings, and hell maybe even Cashualty. Given how connected he was, Sebulba would totally be willing to shill discount codes in exchange for house credit. Gotta feed that crippling addiction, amirite?
While Sebulba’s gambling would certainly take center stage in this mashup world, his literal junkyard dealings would be rife for profit as well. He would make an absolute killing by running Amazon, EBay, and Etsy stores. Sebulba has already shown that he has a vast inventory, and was clearly willing to engage in unethical labor practices in order to sell his wares of questionable origin.
As we saw in Revenge of the Sith, there is no shortage of political radicalization in Star Wars (hooray!). Padme would undoubtedly garner millions of followers through her posts of unity, democracy and diplomacy. Though, it would be interesting to see how Padme would fend off the cannibalizing crowds of her ideology. No, I’m not talking about Jabba the Hutt’s dune monster. I’m talking about a far viler and more disgusting creature; the Woke Mafia. Face it, Padme Is a cishet, privileged white, able-bodied figurehead, and that is a whole ton of negative equity in the eyes of the blue-haired screechers. It would be interesting to see how she’d performatively handle this minefield.
Palpatine would also undoubtedly garner millions of followers. He’d no doubt also tweet about unity, but through the lens of everyone aligning to his view of total control, rather than that of Padme’s loving they neighbor. His posts might just be as provocative as Lord Frieza’s. There’s more than enough authoritarians (such as Bukele and Mohammed Bin Salmaan), bootlickers and bots on modern social media for this to not be true.
But let’s forget about politics and get some work done, shall we? Han Solo, Boba Fett, and the Mandalorian are just a few of the people who’d be rolling in the dough in this genre of science not-so-fiction. Why? Because the gig economy is alive and well in both our world and in Star Wars. Want your burrito delivered to you in less than twelve parsecs? Han Solo’s got you covered on UberEats! Adding an addition to your hut in Tatooine and need to get all the materials home? Rent the Millenium Falcon on ZipCar. Have a shadier task that you can’t tell anyone in polite society about? Boba Fett’s always available; just make sure you pay in cryptos.
A galaxy far, far away would feel just like home…
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