At the risk of being ignored twice, I’m going to once again give RFK Jr a free idea. You see, there is a large segment of the American consumer base that wants to eat whatever the hell they want, whenever the hell they want it, wherever the hell they want to. And another large and/or loud segment of our population seems to want the protective embrace of the NannyState, and are all too happy to drink from her milky tit of regulations as her iron embrace prevents sucklers from ever leaving. These two sides are often portrayed as if they’re in a DragonBallZ style beam struggle. But what if I told you that it doesn’t have to be this way? Do Keebler Elves sharpen pitchforks?
The Idea
Essentially, my idea is two-fold; we embrace the idealistic vision that RFK Jr is fighting for, while also maintaining the status quo. Neither side is Perfect Cell; neither side is Gohan. How? Because these forces would never collide to begin with. Instead, they’ll exist in parallel, not opposition. What do I mean? Let me explain.
So, the first tier will be the most restrictive one. That’s right, we unleash the full faith and fury of Robert F Kennedy Jr,. This tier bans additives, colorings, preservatives, emulsifiers, and whatever the fuck else he deems necessary. Furthermore, we outright ban this tier of food from being served in child-heavy venues (amusement parks, schools, public parks, go-kart tracks, etc).
However, we have a second tier which will basically be our status quo. These foods can be loaded to the absolute brim with whatever carcinogenic substances that the FDA will allow. We’ll allow these foods to be sold anywhere that isn’t restricted to tier one items. That’s right; shovel whatever unhealthy garbage into your piehole that you so desire; consequences be damned. It’s frankly what God/Buddha/Allah/Lord Zenu/Colonel Sanders/Donald Trump intended!
But Why?
“So, what’s with the two tiers?” an angry Karen might ask. Simple; the first tier will be designed to protect the youth, while the second tier will essentially assume informed consent of adult consumers. Let’s be honest; large swaths of the American public want to do what’s right for the children of this nation and that is admirable. Mandating that only Tier One foods be available to kids will certainly support the current administration’s MAHA agenda.
“Dan, why even introduce this two-tiered system to begin with? We don’t do it anywhere else!” That’s where you’re wrong, Karen. We require children to sit in booster seats in the backrow before we let them ride shotgun. Our elementary schools have child safety scissors to reduce risk. We have different cough syrup formulations for children and adults, and we install training wheels on child-sized bicycles. We have two-tiered safety systems in many aspects of our lives without us even consciously noticing them. So, why should this be any different?
Think about it; getting children hooked on foods that is RFK Jr. approved will have substantial-though-not-immediate impacts throughout the nation. Eventually, these kids will grow up with healthier gut microbiomes, which will undoubtedly create a healthy populace. That generation might even (dun dun dun) develop a palette for healthier products! Since BigJunkFood (referred to here on out as BigJF) only cares about the next quarter in practice, this should be no big deal. Who said bullying the nearsighted was unethical?
“Dan, I thought that you were this unhinged Libertarian! Have you gone soft?” Yes to the first, and no to the second. As much as I love unhinged free market capitalism, I need to live in reality and not in the dreadful World of Should. The truth of the matter is that most Americans do want this change to happen, however the Junk Food Industrial Complex (and make no mistake, it is an industrial complex!) is not going to take this lying down. They’d hire lobbyists, donate to politicians, and spin PR campaigns to trivialize the matter in such a way that benefits them if we were to go full Michelle Obama on their asses.
Implementing the Idea
The thing about my two-tiered idea is that it is we could realistically implement this if we truly wanted to. There is enough public support for both the MAHA agenda and for protecting vulnerable children to push a two-tiered junk food bill through Congress. How? Simple; PR spin-control.
That’s right. Since everyone is so radicalized, we use that to judo-throw vested parties into submission. BigJF wants to oppose this new system? Great, label them as opposing Donald Trump’s agenda. That would overnight alienate half of the nation, from which launching a boycott would essentially become low-hanging fruit. To entice the other half of the nation to support this agenda, place ads to strengthen the connection of Michelle Obama to this push. The former First Lady is likely to support such a bill. After all, healthier children and opposing childhood obesity was her pet cause while she lived in 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Better yet, the PR campaign can play more offense. Make sure to paint BigJF as being anti-child for opposing this bill. Seriously, what kind of monster opposes healthier children, amirite? Once painted as anti-child, it’s possible to use all sorts of smear tactics against BigJF. Honestly, after the initial PR campaign, social momentum would carry this talking point the rest of the way. Publicly shaming the members of Congress who have accepted money from BigJF is also going to shift optics in favor of the two-tiered system passing.
One of the major talking points that BigJF will trot out is that these burdensome Tier One regulations will make them uncompetitive in the market. I’d be willing to believe that if they weren’t already making Tier One food for the EU, Canada, and Japan. A skilled publicist can weaponize BigJF’s actions in an attack ad as Health and Quality for Foreigners, Disease and Garbage for Your Children. Gotta fan those xenophobic flames…
Snap, Crackle, Pop is the sound of my brake lines mysteriously rupturing…
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