Bullying sucks, there’s no subtle way to put it. However, there is one way to sharply decrease the amount of violence in our nation’s schools. Much like nuclear power, we as a society are simply pretending not to see the most obvious and permanent fix. Luckily, I’ll say the quiet part out loud and pitch a workable solution to the problem.
Basically, my solution is to allow schoolchildren to conceal carry pistols to school. We’ll strongly encourage the use of hollow point ammunition to reduce the risk of overpenetration. Yes, you read that correctly and I’m serious. That screeching in the distance is the sound of 10,000 liberal Karens sharpening their pitchforks. Let them bitch-and-complain; this idea has a lot of strengths that ought to be seriously considered.
The Blowback
“This is highly unethical, Dan. The victims ought to do the right thing and just report the bully to the school dean/psychologist/teacher/ et cetera.” Agreed. But if any of these avenues routinely solved the problem, would we be in this mess to begin with? Let’s be honest, there’s a reason that kids don’t do this. It’s for the same reason their parents are hesitant to go to HR; it typically only makes the situation worse. So…hollow point?
“Dan, this is only going to make the school resource officer’s job more difficult!” Cry me a fucking river. School resource officers do not actively intervene in bullying to begin with, so this point is dead on arrival (heehee, see what I did there?). Moreover, they hardly intervene in active school shootings; you know, their actual fucking jobs. Anyone who refuses to believe me just needs to look up the facts around Parkland and Uvalde. I don’t normally agree with John Oliver, but do we even need them at all?
“But what about the teachers?” Well, the Second Amendment applies to teachers too, and they’ll of course have their Constitutional rights respected in the workplace, full stop. “Dan, that isn’t what I meant!” I know. But to seriously address Karen’s concern, teachers will actually have to work on their classroom control and their conflict de-escalation skills.
The Benefits
First, it’ll reinforce the concept of the armed society is the polite society. Bullies will be much less likely to get violent if they run the substantial risk of catching a hollow point. How do we know this? Because this is replicated in the adult world. Call me biased, but in New Hampshire the violent crime rate is quite low. Criminals tend to think twice if there is a high likelihood that their would-be victim is armed. And how do most criminals get their start in life? As juvenile delinquents. In a way, a bully eating a hollow point early on is a major cash savings for the American taxpayer; prisons are fucking expensive.
“Dan, this isn’t funny. Some bullies might actually get fucking shot!” Yeah, that’s a feature, not a bug. I mean, seriously folks; who here is going to have a ton of sympathy for the bullies? “Their parents will, you insensitive asshole!” I’m actually glad you brought that up, Karen. Having an armed student populace in the schools would provide a strong incentive for parents to, you know, not raise asshole criminals. What’s cheaper than having to buy a miniature casket? Talking to your kids about the dangers of being a fucking instigator…
“Well, what if I don’t want my kid to get shot?” Assuming that you won’t follow my advice of, you know, not being a shit parent; other options are available. The most prominent being move your kid to a different school. In this post-No Child Left Behind world, schools started competing against each other based on standardized test scores. Post-COVID, the competition got fiercer as school choice advocates started to get their way. If this idea were to become adopted, then schools would compete with each other on low rates of internal shooting, which would serve as a proxy for low rates of bullying.
What impact would this have? Safer schools would become much more attractive to skittish parents. This would cause an influx of sentient wads of cash students into their schools. Every parent who can afford to will put their kid into a safe school, as evidenced by low rates of internal shootings. This will hollow out public schools, but they’ll still benefit. After all, they’ll have less bullies and a better student-to-teacher ratio.
Legalities
But it takes two to tango, and this lesson needs to be taught as well. The one who pulls the trigger will need to undergo a special hearing, or perhaps even juvenile court, after the event. The pint-sized crime victim will need to provide evidence that supports that their actions were legally justified self-defense. Is it fair? No. Is it realistic? Yes.
“How can you seriously even recommend this?” I think the better question is How has this not been a thing to begin with? In case you forgot, the Constitution applies to children too. And the Constitution does indeed say the right to bear arms shall not be infringed. In addition to enabling future criminals, the current ban on schoolchildren’s ability to conceal carry on campus is a serious violation of their rights. Let the kids pack toasters!
If you think I’m utterly ridiculous for suggesting we pushback against gun bans on campus, think again. Evidence supporting the benefits of gun-free zones is pretty weak. Moreover, the schools might actually become safer from mass shooting events. This is because no shooter in their right mind would actively enter an area where they’re guaranteed to encounter armed resistance. Remember that time the village idiot tried robbing a gun store?
Rights and Responsibilities
“Dan, you can’t seriously recommend this idea! What about training?” While I’m against training as a formal requirement to gatekeep conceal carry, I support training as a concept. In fact, we should fit it into the gym class curriculum. After all, there is a lot of useless shit that gym class teaches. Let’s face it, the typical American is far more likely to encounter a firearm than they are to play a game of floor hockey after they leave school. Thus, let’s teach the youth how to properly draw and fire accurately under duress; it might just save an innocent person’s life…
“But Dan, what about the risk of bystanders getting shot by stray bullets?” It’s important to note that encouraging the use of hollow point rounds will diminish the risk of over penetration. We’ll also need to drill the core concepts of firearm safety into the gym class curriculum. Preaching the gospel of understanding what’s behind your target, finger off the trigger until ready to shoot, and proper muzzle direction will go a long way in minimizing the risk of unintended shootings. Of course, students who accidentally hit non-bullies will be held accountable for their actions; just like their gun-carrying parents.
Justified use of force needs to be taught as well in schools. A student will face severe punishment for brandishing and/or shooting over a minor verbal disagreement. However, it’s a vastly different story if the linebacker of the football team has a smaller student cornered and starts throwing haymakers; then it’s hollow point time.
The armed playground is the polite playground…
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