So, I recently detailed my layoff. The other day I officially received the DocuSign detailing the Separation Agreement. Being the dutiful and diligent douchebag that I am, I scoured over the details. Yeah, I’m not fucking signing this.
Gohan vs Cell
However, I’d be lying if it at first wasn’t a classic Dragon Ball Z-style beam struggle. Perfect Cell planted his feet firmly into the ground, and fired his Kamehame wave like the pompous asshole that he is.
I’ve said in a couple of one-on-one meetings with my Flavor of the Month boss (my direct boss changed five times in 18 months, and it ain’t because I transferred four times…) how much I disliked the place. I’d always follow that up with the bold stake-in-the-ground of I’ll cash a severance check whenever you fucks are ready to write one. It was as if Perfect Cell was leveraging Hey Dan, be a man of your word. A mighty Kamehame wave, indeed…
Making Perfect Cell’s Kamehame wave even more intense was my own greed. It’s not exactly a secret to anybody who reads this blog on a regular basis that I am a very capitalistic man; even to the point of glorifying greed. My greed has led me astray in the past, and it has taken me a long time to mostly overcome that weakness. The thought lingered in my head Dan, take the money and invest it into the S&P 500.
With that said, the pint-sized half-Saiyan dug in his heels, unleashing his own Kamehame wave. I’ll admit, the beam struggle was a mighty one, truly worthy of several episodes. There were parts when it looked like Cell would overtake poor little Gohan, yet Gohan would showed just enough resolve to bring the beam struggle back to center. It wasn’t until a few days ago that Gohan won once and for all. What was Gohan’s fuel? None other than the wisdom of peak Jamie Foxx…
I’m going to be intentionally vague, but I went out and touched some grass. I mentioned the situation to someone close to me. The combination of hearing myself talk about the situation out loud, combined with one of my loved ones reaffirming the wisdom of peak-Jamie Foxx sealed Perfect Cell’s fate. It was honestly like Vegeta came to give a little boost; it was all Gohan needed…
The Wisdom of Jamie Foxx…
First of all, there’s the non-disparagement clause. They want me to agree to not slander them in any way. But here’s the thing, disparagement is a big part of my personal brand; so that’s not going to work. Who knows, this article might just make me a real writer…
I won’t stand here and say that My silence cannot be bought (see above, I’m greedy). After all, every single one of us does have a price at the end of the day. What I am confident in saying though is that my silence can’t be bought for the pitiful amount of money they offered. I’m not trading my morals for fucking $7100 pre-tax. A wise African philosopher said it best…
“But Dan, what if your old employer decides to take legal action against you?” I’m not worried about it. First, in order to sue me for libel/slander and win, they’d have to prove what I said was false. Spoiler alert; it isn’t. If they want to take me to court, they’d have to submit to document discovery, the results of which would likely become public record. Hint; they really don’t fucking want that. It would honestly be the second coming of Pat McAfee
There was another clause that crossed a hard-line for me; the cooperation clause. Fuck that noise, seriously. I am not going to help them in any way, shape, or fucking form. At the end of each shift, I would have to fill out shift notes as a summary of what happened the preceding 8 hours. Every time I’d mention a quality concern on shift notes, I got a stern tongue-lashing.
“Don’t put quality issues on shift notes; somebody might see it. ” Umm, Yeah, that’s kinda the whole fucking point. The reason for this borderline immune-response? Regional big-wigs read these, and local management wanted to present a good front. I quickly learned that causing poor optics and publicly flaming gatekeepers was the only way to get anything done around there.
Safety also took a backseat, despite visceral claims to the contrary. One time the temperature rose to a dangerously high level due to a malfunctioning HVAC system during my shift. I ordered a stop to operations and evacuated the floor. The response I got? A fierce WHAT DID YOU DO? from my day-shift relief. The same issue happened the following night, and my negligent Flavor of the Month boss said it was okay to let people file out, but not to advertise that. So yeah; I’m not agreeing to cooperate with these shit-stains.
Even in the unlikely event they try to sue me, cross-examination would still occur. And these shady fucks really don’t want to go under oath. The best part about telling the truth is that you’ll never trip over yourself trying to get details straight, and an experienced lawyer knows how to spot this from a mile away. So hey, I’ll take the stand and testify in front of a judge the stories I shared today. The real question is…will they want that?
The company is not in a position to pursue me in court anyways. After all, the company cried poverty to investors and the government. It would be a really poor optical move to not be able to pay employees yet pay lawyers to fight a clearly losing battle. And if it’s anything they dislike, it’s poor optics. Hey, remember that time you guys sent garbage out to the field??
But, let’s not focus on the past, because that’s something only losers do. I’ve easily replaced that bullshit job with a much better-paying one in less than three weeks. This, contrasted against the backdrop of their layoffs, makes it clear which side is on the upswing and who is reeling.
If they don’t like what I said, they can always submit to document discovery and prove me wrong…
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