So yep, we’re still doing this. These are some cigarette-flick topics that hit me like a locomotive over the last few days. I was almost capable of forming theseintofull-length articles. However, I’ve decided to err on the side of servicing my readers rather than padding out to some bullshit word count. Thus, we have more Scraps. Enjoy!
Gas Pump Lottery
Okay, so it’s hardly a secret that since the landmark 2018 Supreme Court case, we’ve become a nation of gambling addicts. Truthfully, I’m here for it. In fact, I think we should make it easier for folks who want to gamble to have that access to do so. But let’s not restrict this mindset to just sports betting; let’s enhance the OG as well. I’m of course referring to the state lottery.
Essentially, my idea to boost sales of lottery tickets would be to mount automated lottery ticket machines directly onto gas pumps. These dispensers would allow the motorist to use their credit card/phone to quickly buy a randomized lottery ticket directly at the pump. The user interface would be minimal, offering few choices; merely quantity of tickets purchased would be the only variable.
Since we’re an increasingly cashless society, we cannot accept cash payment for lottery tickets at the pump. Those who wish to pay with cash must go up to the register. Cash payers mostly just slow down the transaction, which is the polar opposite of what this idea hinges on. For this reason, an absolutely mandatory feature of this setup is the presence of a tap-to-pay reader for credit cards. This speeds up the transaction, thus giving the consumer less time to second-guess their knee-jerk purchase increasing the convenience to the consumer.
The reason this would work is due to decreased friction. Think about it, the current model requires the American consumer to have to walk into the store, wait in line, and interact with another human being in order to buy a lottery ticket. This is three more friction points than what is necessary to facilitate the transaction. The whole point of this is speed. Eliminating friction is best for capturing those sweet, succulent impulse free-market dollars.
The marketing of this would be absolutely essential. Many of our liberal-minded-friends would call this predatory, though they need to be left-swiped hard. Smear these dissenters as being anti-free market and for their obviously hostile views against public education funding. This isn’t too far removed from the current paradigm of how the state lottery is marketed, so it shouldn’t be too difficult to peddle this message.
In fact, states could introduce an app that allows people to buy virtual tickets on their phone. This would be the ultimate in frictionless payments, as it would use a credit card saved through the app or ApplePay/SamsungPay to facilitate the transaction. This would enable empower the user to buy as many tickets as they want with zero safeguards burdensome government restrictions.
Enabling junkies seems like a sure bet to me…
What Fate Got Wrong About Angra Mainyu
It’s not a secret that I like anime, specifically from the 90’s, but also from the 2010’s. One of my favorite 2010’s-era anime is the Fate series. For those not in the know, the show revolves around skilled mages summoning historical and/or mythological figures to fight on their behalf. It’s essentially death-game Pokemon, but with people you learned about in history class instead of cute monsters.
Little mentioned in the Fate universe, but often hinted to and ever-present, is the presence of Angra Mainyu. Angra Mainyu is the personification of all the evil in the world. The Spirit of Angra Mainyu needs a new vessel every so often since the dark energy is so powerful. Put another way, Angra Mainyu chews up its host and spits it back out.
Except, Fate had overlooked something entirely. Angra Mainyu not only existed on Earth, but had an enduring form. This form has endured for over 25 years in an unaltered state. Rather than rejecting its host, the animated incarnate of Angra Mainyu shows no sign of slowing down whatsoever. In fact, Angra Mainyu’s current form is only gaining more power. I am of course referring to Eric Cartman.
Previous bearers of Angra Mainyu’s abilities often seemed to be cursed. Kritisugu Emiya even mentions having to become Angra Mainyu near the end of Fate Zero. Contrast that with the pudgy, vulgar elementary schooler from Colorado. Eric Cartman doesn’t seem to be the least bit concerned about his bottomless pit of sociopathy. In fact, he revels in it. One could say that Angra Mainyu is a rookie version of Eric Cartman.
Given that Fate deals in the mythological as well as the historical, there is no reason to not use Eric Cartman as an evil Servant in a future Fate series. Such a deal would of course require the permission of Parker and Stone, though the two have shown an affinity for licensing.
“Well Dan, what would this look like inside the Fate universe?” I’m glad you asked, my favorite naysayer! I’d love to give a free idea to the creators of Fate. In a new Holy Grail War, the servants would be summoned. Eric Cartman would be summoned into the conflict as a Berserker Class servant.
“A Berserker Class servant? But Cartman plays a Caster in The Stick of Truth!” Yes, you read what I just wrote; Cartman would be a Berserker. His Noble Phantasm? He turns into ManBearPig when Jews are near. This would not be difficult to pull off, given Cartman’s impressively long resume of antisemitism
“Well, what would Cartman’s servant backstory be?” I’m glad you asked. Simply put, Cartman was a normal foul-mouthed boy from Colorado. That is, until the Scott Tenorman episode. Yes, the infamous episode that involved Cartman committing kidnapping, first degree murder, and forced cannibalism. In the moments following Scott Tenorman’s utter hysteria and disgust, Cartman fully absorbs the spirit of Angra Mainyu.
However, rather than drive Eric Cartman insane or drive him to a premature-though-gruesome end, Angra Mainyu wasn’t able to hijack Cartman. Instead, Cartman winds up subordinating Angra Mainyu, thus being able to call upon the most evil deeds of humanity at will. This is evidenced numerous times; one notable example is when Cartman becomes Hitler
Naturally, for Cartman’s Noble Phantasm to be plot relevant, he’ll need a Jewish adversary. Thus, I suggest that one of the other summoned servants would be none other than Moses. Upon crossing paths with Moses late in the Grail War, Cartman’s Noble Phantasm would unleash, giving him the power to even beat Satan.
To the creators of Fate, I’ll leave you with the wisdom of Taylor Swift “what you’re looking for has been here the whole time”
OnlyFans’ Missing Feature
We’ve heard the story so many times before it’s basically become a trope. A pretty young woman is fired from her job because her OnlyFans was discovered. Local news stories and articles on the internet always have the tone of a local decision maker (boss, PTA board, etc) finding a young woman’s OnlyFans page. As if their OnlyFans page needed to be unearthed after a long archaeological expedition. Simply put, I dream of a society in which this isn’t the case. A local attractive woman’s OnlyFans should be as easy to find as a library book. And I have just the idea to make it happen…
Basically, the feature that OnlyFans truly needs is a reverse image search. Much like most common search engines, a user would put in a link to an image or upload a JPG file into the tool. Then, using facial recognition software (that Pandora’s Box has already been opened, deal with it), the reverse image search would scour the OnlyFans site to present the user with results that either match 100% or closely with that of the source image. This reverse-image search would be blind to the creator; the creator would not know that they’re being searched for.
Beter yet, OnlyFans could have a feature wherein the user could share their contacts list with the platform. OnlyFans could then run the contacts list against their database of stored numbers used for two-factor authentication to unearth even more local capitalistic women. Again, this feature would be blind to the creator; they would not know who searched for them.
This would greatly enhance the user experience. Why? Simple; this would make it far easier for the user to find the OnlyFans pages of women they know from their daily lives. The user would no longer have to wonder if the cute barista, the hot librarian, or the chick who rejected them back in high school eight years ago had an OnlyFans; confirmation would simply be a reverse-image search or contacts list comb-through away!
The user being able to subscribe to the OnlyFans pages of women from their daily lives would undoubtedly have an impact on their local economy. Rather than fund a Russian bot or an already-millionaire living a life of luxury; the money could clearly be put to better use by supporting the literal girl-next-door.
This feature would have more use than many would care to acknowledge. As mentioned previously, it’s a nearly 1-in-7 bet that a young woman in America is slinging her nudes on OnlyFans. It’s no longer just the ultra-attractive pageant winners using the platform to haul in millions; it’s your local prom queen from five years ago hocking her nudes to make rent.
These features would not only work on the current inventory of creators, but it would comb through the vast ocean of now-deleted accounts as well. After all, perpetual licensing is a thing. As an added revenue stream for the platform, OnlyFans could charge an extra fee for users to reverse-image/contacts list search through former profiles. This paywall can be marketed towards not only desperate simps, but employers and high-net-worth bachelors who would prefer not to be associated with literal sex workers.
These features are intended to empower the consumer, full stop. It is still socially taboo to openly discuss empowering sellers rather than buyers, and for good reason. Few will openly defend the interests of WalMart or Amazon. I view women selling pics of their Brazilian-waxed pussies on the internet no differently. Let’s be honest, these women knew what they were getting into when they became sellers and distributors of an addicting product.
“But Dan, what about creators on OnlyFans?” I’ll leave you with the wisdom of the former Vice President…
Home Page 