Hot take: mass shootings are bad. However, every time one such horrible event occurs, little in the way of change actually happens. Let’s admit it; posting mug shots hasn’t worked. Airing perp walks hasn’t worked either. Thus, a new approach is needed. Sharpen your pitchforks as I lay out my proposed solution.
But first; we need to examine the current practice before discussing change. Let’s be honest, a common motivation for many of these sickos is media notoriety. In a way, they do in fact wind up getting it. Legacy media winds up posting the name and face of the mass shooter on the news, thus indirectly handing these pieces-of-shit what they want. Normally, this journalistic practice is bemoaned by common sense Americans. However, nobody stops to think about the inverse.
Wanted: Dead
Let’s give these shit-stains what they want; just not in the way they want it. Instead of posting a rosy photo of the child-killer, let’s nudge and enable the media to post only the photo of the perp’s dead body on the airwaves; full gore and all. No mugshot, high school sports photo, or LinkedIn headshots. Just pure, bullet-distorted carnage. Bonus points if the villain is shot in the head and wounds up being borderline-unidentifiable.
“But why do this, Dan?” Simple really, these sick fucks want to be on the news so badly. Fine, let’s use that against them. The more jarring and traumatizing the image, the better. The idea behind this tactic is to put the absolute fear of God into future potential mass shooters. They’ll be remembered not as a pretty boy who snapped or someone wronged by society, but rather as a bullet-ridden corpse. Fuck their legacies.
“But Dan, we saw the absolutely appalling lack of valor from police in Parkland and Uvalde. How do we encourage the glorified report-writers into action?” This is a valid point, but one that I have a remedy for. Due to the strength of police unions protecting their members, it’s clear that a stick-based approach has an uphill battle. Instead, let’s use a carrot. My policy idea is to institute a fund that will pay a $50,000 tax-free bonus to the officer who makes the kill shot on a mass shooter within five minutes of arriving on scene. Why verbally encourage the right thing when we can financially incentivize it instead?
“But Dan, how will that fund come about?” Simple; seized assets of the shitbag will first be auctioned off and otherwise liquidated in order to make the payment. The shortfall will be taxpayer funded. Fuck the estate plans of these lowlifes.
“But Dan, this is expensive!” Well, no it isn’t since mass shootings are actually pretty rare; only 24 in the previous year. But I’ll humor your grander point for a moment; even if it IS expensive, I’d argue that it’s clearly fucking worth it. That is, unless you think that the lives of schoolchildren, worshippers, shoppers, etc are not actually worth protecting. Personally speaking, I’m okay with paying a kill-shot bonus to a cop who takes out one of these disgusting wastes-of-biomass. Anyone opposed to the idea is clearly part of the problem.
“But Dan, there are estate laws that might stand in the way.” Well, a new law can always be passed that allows for liquidation of all seized assets in connection to a confirmed mass-shooting event in which the perpetrator was killed. This needs to happen at the federal level, hence bypassing laws in deep-Blue states where crime is basically legal. The marketing behind this estate law is key; make sure to hype the fact that this will only apply to mass shooters. Few congressmen can withstand the PR hit of siding with mass shooters should they vote against this idea on the floor. Good luck dealing with those attack ads in the primaries!
Wanted: Alive
“But Dan, sadly sometimes these abhorrent pieces-of-shit survive the crime, get caught, and wind up in a courtroom” This is an unfortunate reality. However, I have an idea for this as well. Assuming that there is a conviction (and there almost assuredly will be a conviction), then the shoulda-been-aborted offender will wind up in prison. Do not let legacy media end the coverage when the judge bangs the gavel.
The offender needs to be placed into a cell with CCTV camera and microphone capabilities. Then, and this is crucial, broadcast the eventual prison rape of this two-legged abomination on the nightly news. This is in the same vein as showing the gruesome image of the freshly lead-filled body; to encourage future mass shooters to think twice before bringing an AR-15 to show-and-tell day. Airing the fruitless pleas for mercy of the mass shooter in the audio file and showing ShowerDaddy’s shaft penetrating their unwilling asshole is vital to this tactic. Maximum shock value is the name of the game.
“But Dan, news stations can’t just air stuff like this.” Sadly, under the current law this is true. However, all Congress needs to do is quietly repeal 18 U.S. Code § 1464. This will allow news stations to air close-ups of bullet-ridden criminals and prison rapes on the airwaves. Anybody in Congress caught opposing this move is going to have one hell of a time come primary season. The soft on crime and pro-mass shooter attack ads basically write themselves. Failing that, we could simply just defund, order down, or otherwise revamp the FCC entirely.
They wanna be on the news so badly, right? So let’s put them on the news….
Home Page 