I was driving home from work the other day listening to yet another podcast from Tucker Carlson with yet another ad-read. Typically, I can’t stand ad reads, however Tucker Carlson’s are a little less grating. Instead of electrolyte drinks or outsourcing ad space entirely, he (wait for it) actually pitches products his listeners might be interested in. But there’s just one thing that is missing from a bunker-dweller proud Patriot’s shopping list; a reliable truck that caters to their specific needs. And you know what? Carlson is just the man to sell it to them…
Why Tucker Carlson?
Why Tucker Carlson when somebody like Nick Fuentes, Dave Smith, or Alex Jones would be a tighter fit to the conspiracy community? Simple; Tucker Carlson is still a palatable brand to much of America relative to Fuentes and Jones. And unlike Smith, Carlson is much more of a known commodity (cries in Libertarian).
“But Dan, a branded truck? There’s no precedent of this at all!” And that is where your wrong, Karen. Ford has had a long-running partnership with Eddie Bauer, making F-150’s using the brands likeness since the 90’s. Thus, proof of concept exists, doubly so when selling to a crowd of outdoorsy individualists.
To mitigate business risk, automakers can run Tucker Carlson Edition (TCE) production runs as a limited production special. “But Dan, such a limited production offering would surely send the cost to the moon due to having to change over their production lines.” Not necessarily, and if that does indeed happen that would reveal more of a weakness of the modern automaker, than it would the actual design of the TCE.
Addition Through Subtraction
What would this pick-up have? The better question is what would it NOT have? The TCE would lack any sort of modern technology. There would be no navigation system, Bluetooth, or auxiliary cable connections of any kind. Furthermore, there would be no regulating silicone chips anywhere in the vehicle. That means no electronic braking or intelligent four-wheel drive. Furthermore, there would be no remote starter, tire pressure sensors, blind spot detection, or any such system.
The reasoning behind the removal of anything silicone and electronic? Simple, it’s to make the car still run in the event of an electro-magnetic pulse (EMP). Make no mistake, our reliance on chip-dependent devices and vehicles is the Achillies Heel of modern Western life. And our modern vehicles are now little-more than phones-on-wheels.
And like most phones, a phone-on-wheels has another weakness that few want to discuss. Face it, there’s a ton of ways that many vehicles can be tracked without most people being aware of. By selling what’s basically a vehicle from 1975 in today’s market, you’d side-step the ever-present surveillance of Drunk Uncle Sam. Sorry Feds, you’ll just have to track the driver the old-fashioned way, with a full tank of gas and a Thermos full of coffee!
There is another layer of inherent security with an all-analog truck; protection from criminals. Hot-wiring is becoming a lost art, as is picking a physical lock. The TCE would be impervious to any means of hacking, since there’s nothing electronic to hack. Good luck shutting off the brakes on the highway or remotely unlocking the door on the TCE.
Admittedly, the lack of tech features would make the truck less efficient, but that isn’t going to be a dealbreaker. Why? Most Tucker Carlson enthusiasts won’t be trading in their freedom for a few MPG’s. They also overwhelmingly don’t believe in climate change.
New Features
But enough about features that I’d take away; let’s talk about features I’d add. First, I’d install a fire-proof safe in the cabin of each truck. This safe would of course require only a combination and have no electronic means of opening. Furthermore, the TCE would also have a gun rack inside the cabin as well; this is already a common feature in many parts of the country. The cabin air filter would also be able to filter out chemtrails and other artificial toxins from the air. The cabin of the truck would also feature a Faraday Cage, thus protecting any electronic device inside of the cabin in the event of a sudden EMP. For an upcharge, the TCE Premium model can also come bullet-proofed. Don’t laugh; there’s already a large aftermarket for this service.
But the truck would have some other run-of-the-mill features such as a lockable metal box bolted onto the bed. This would be suitable for storing whatever the driver might need; tools, fly-fishing poles, massive canned food hauls, or whatever else the schizo prepared Patriot might need.
The frame construction would stay the same. That is to say that it would be basically incompatible with the frames of smaller vehicles, making the driver basically invulnerable at the expense to all others on the road. The TCEwould have a manual transmission and be a four-wheel drive. Thus, unlike the Tesla truck, it could actually handle driving in all types of North American climates.
Target Audience
“But Dan, most people have nothing to fear, and hence this configuration would be kinda useless!” While accurate, that critique misses the point. This truck wouldn’t be made for most people; the target market would be conspiracy theorists, preppers, the perpetually paranoid, the off-gridders; you know, Tucker Carlson’s fan base. Keep in mind that The Man Himself had his encrypted Signal chats broken into by Drunk Uncle Sam for the “crime” of interviewing Putin.
Let’s face it; conspiracy theorists and preppers are likely to buy this product, These communities are likely to spend large sums of money on these types of features (or-lack thereof). As shown by Jones, selling prepper goods can be a quite lucrative business, so there is a definite market. These are also the communities to favor living off grid, and hence may need a high-torque vehicle that can haul heavy payloads for construction or hunting hauls.
For the love of God, just don’t let the Chinese build this one…
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