This article started as many of mine previously have; call it the infamous Dan Espinola Pipeline. A random humorous thought (inspired by boredom) hit me. The thought turned into a shitpost, and the shitpost then blossomed into a full article.
However, this time was a bit different. Following the shitpost, much of my inner circle called me a racist for questioning ScoobyDoo’s immigration status. Naturally, getting called a racist had the opposite intended effect. Rather than silencing or dissuading me, it tipped me off that I was probably onto something. The more I started digging up this dog bone (heehee, see what I did there?), the more I found that Scooby is probably an illegal immigrant. Grab your pitchforks as I discern whether the brown-spotted dog belongs in the Land of the Bald Eagle.
The Case Against Scooby
One piece of evidence to support this pet theory (heehee…again!) of mine is his accent. It’s pretty obvious to anyone with functioning ears and two brain cells to rub together that Scooby speaks English with a heavy accent. Contrast that with the following generation; his nephew ScrappyDoo. Scrappy speaks English with no discernible accent. This is common with first- and second-generation immigrants; the first generation to arrive in America typically maintains their foreign accent on account of speaking their mother tongue for decades. Then the following generation, born in America and hence surrounded by native English speakers, normally learns English with full fluency.
Scooby is very immigrant-like in another way as well; his lack of healthcare. In my research, I couldn’t find a definitive reference to ScoobyDoo ever receiving the healthcare he needed. This makes Scooby all-too-similar to many immigrants to the United States who live outside of the formal healthcare infrastructure, often going without even basic checkups.
In the same vein, there isn’t any evidence that ScrappyDoo has received the pediatric vet care that is so crucial to his development either. Whether this is due to not having access to health insurance or his uncle indirectly transmitting distrust of a system that seems all-too-alien to him (heehee, get it? “alien”?); Scrappy’s reason for skipping medical care is unknown. What is clear though is that Scooby and Scrappy are similar to many immigrant diasporas in the United States in this regard. Having two unvaccinated foreigners running amok, potentially spreading infectious diseases, is a bad idea.
What is known is that a series focused around animals is deafeningly silent on the issue of vet care. “But Dan, the 60’s were different, that wasn’t top of mind for pet owners!” And that’s where you’re wrong Karen, because the Jetsons were shown getting their dog to the vet when he needed it.
While we’re on the topic of medicine, we need to discuss the elephant in the room. Scooby has an obvious and borderline-compulsive need to self-medicate via the ScoobySnack. Thus, Scooby is not unlike many undocumented entrants to the United States. Scooby is shown to crush ScoobySnacks as an anti-anxiety medication. In particularly tense situations in which Scooby is frozen in fear, the two-legged members of the Mystery Machine have been known to double his dose of the depressant in order to dull him into dangerous deeds (yay alliteration!). Needless to say, this all occurred without any proper psychiatric supervision. To the shock and surprise of nobody; Scooby has never been depicted or referenced seeking mental health treatment to address his anxiety. Again, whether this is because ScoobyDoo is uninsured or has a distrust of the wider mental healthcare system is unknown. However, what his known is that Scooby would clearly benefit from visiting a shrink; one trained in addressing the root causes of his obvious anxiety disorder.
ScoobyDoo has also shown trouble assimilating to the more nuanced social norms of America. This is shown by his aggression; Scooby is known to growl at wildly inappropriate times. While not overtly violent, Scooby is clearly carrying the customs of a far-off culture into our kinder country (alliteration again!). ScrappyDoo has clearly picked up on the behavior that his uncle has modeled for him. Whether his aggression is due to his youth-fueled testosterone or the fact that Scrappy is less of a target of law enforcement than his uncle due to birthright citizenship is unknown. One thing is for certain though, Scrappy is often shown raring for a fight in situations that clearly do not call for it. One can cross borders, but changing cultures is noticeably more difficult.
The Good
It’s not all negative though. ScoobyDoo has assimilated to America rather well. During his lengthy tenure in the Mystery Machine, Scooby has done a lot of heavy lifting in terms of the assisting of capturing criminals. Make no mistake, America is noticeably safer with this non-White migrant patrolling the streets.
Besides his career path, Scooby has also assimilated rather well to America in another key aspect; his caloric intake. Scooby is known for having quite the appetite, often shown consuming borderline-unhealthy amounts of food in a single sitting. Moreover, he does this with a normality that suggests that crushing a multi-foot sub is merely a Tuesday afternoon for him. In a nation in which nearly 70% of adults are overweight, Scooby has clearly made himself right at home in the Land of the Free and Home of The Whopper.
The Path Forward
Generally speaking, ScoobyDoo has done far more positive deeds for our country than he has negative ones. The negatives that I’ve pointed out in this article can just as easily be the result of administrative barriers rather than cultural norms. Thus, rather than call ICE, I support a pathway to citizenship for America’s beloved four-legged detective. Make no mistake, I would love to see Scooby raise his right paw at a naturalization ceremony, and become fully American.
In fact, there is one such way to accomplish this. Clearly Scooby has met a residency requirement by being present in the United States for several decades at this point. Thus, in a move to curry favor, our current President can urge the Republican-majority Congress to do the tremendous tremendous thing and expedite Scooby’s green card. Doing so would confer a major (albeit light-hearted) PR win.
Why is that, you ask? Simple; in a mildly-childish way, it’ll show that the Republican establishment has a soft spot for immigrants who positively contribute to the United States. We’ve all seen the well-televised (and much needed) ICE raids by now; we as a country are well-adept at wielding sticks. However, granting Scooby citizenship will show that we are also capable of granting carrots under the right circumstances after good behavior is shown. If the President can pardon a turkey on Thanksgiving every year, then I see no reason why citizenship can’t be minted for such a good doggy.
Support meaningful immigration reform? I absolutely ScoobyDooby-Do!
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