The other day, I was having a discussion with the Village Elder when the topic of Mike Tomlin came up. For those unaware, the now-former coach of the Pittsburg Steelers stepped down under the guise of needing more family time. Although, the Village Elder was quick to indignantly point out that Tomlin was cheating on the Mrs. It all made me think about how this needless turnover could’ve been avoided.
Let’s look at the current state of sports media. A modern-day athlete or coach, usually a Black man, will likely land themselves into social or legal hot water at some point in their careers. To be clear, that isn’t a character attack; it just comes with the territory in a life filled with so much temptation and excess. The reason that a Super Bowl-winning coach took so much heat from the corporate media is because of the perceived hypocrisy. Tomlin has spent years advertising himself as a devout Christian, thus a cheating scandal is optically poor. Now, the predominately White and under-accomplished pundit class have plenty of material to throw dog-whistle racist attacks at Tomlin and men of his ilk under the guise of character and intangibles.
With that said, there is a way that all of this negative press-not to mention having to fill a job vacancy needlessly-could have been avoided. The klopping of strained wedge-heels draws ever closer as our favorite overweight naysayer comes barging in. “Dan” Karen shrieks “The solution is that Tomlin shouldn’t have cheated on his wife!” Good to know that privileged White Karen let the mask slip for a moment as she decided to socially police a Black man. But no cankle-Karen, that’s not where I’m going with this.
In reality, Tomlin’s main mistake was in the setup. He spent years advertising his love for Jesus, and now the detractors have plenty of rhetorical ammo. Instead, he could’ve preached the gospel of a slightly different Abrahamic prophet; Muhammed. Had Tomlin spread the good word of Islam, then there would’ve been no hypocrisy as the religion allows for a man to have multiple women. No hypocrisy inherently means no rhetorical ammo for the media to weaponize against the Black man who broke zero laws.
And don’t tell me that this wouldn’t work because American sports culture has a long-standing history of letting non-assimilating stars get away with social faux pas. Don’t believe me? Major League Baseball is filled to the brim with players from the Dominican Republic, many of whom come here and cannot even speak our language. Same goes for the National Hockey League and the National Basketball Association with Slavic athletes and their unpalatable stances. Their cultural faux pas, legal transgressions, and incompatible worldviews are tolerated insofar as they remain productive. As it turns out, Americans will absolutely put up with immiscible foreign ideologies so long as those who spout them continue to put points on the board. Disagree and risk being labeled a bigot; plain and simple…
Think about it, there are several other social benefits to putting down the Cross and donning the Crescent as well. Voicing support for Palestine or other marginalized dark-skinned communities would result in a far lower chance of social backlash or career blacklisting; doubly so from the majority-Jewish owners and media. After all, if it’s one thing that the Jews hate more than anything, it’s bad optics. Elite White Jews punishing Black Muslims-the majority of whom grew up in poverty-would look really fucking bad. If only Kaepernick found a Quran instead of a Bible…
Allow me to appropriate Billy Mays culture and further sell this conversion kit. But wait, there’s more! By calling the number on the bottom of your screen, you’ll also get a free upgrade to the Vaccine Skepticism Shield; we won’t even charge shipping & handling if your name is Aaron Rodgers. But if you act fast, we’ll also include a cultural cloak against accusations of homophobia; that’ll sure come in handy. Convert to Islam today!
But seriously, many parts of the nation would have a tacit acceptance of high-profile athletes and coaches suddenly finding Allah. Somalian-stronghold Minnesota and the so-called tolerant West Coast would have to just grit their teeth and bear it when touchdown celebrations start involving kneeling towards Mecca. Ditto for Detroit, whose metropolitan area has the largest Muslim neighborhood in America. Self-proclaimed melting pot New York City would be another fertile caliphate where fans would enable welcome an Islamic star.
“Dan” Karen stomps her creaking wedge “You have absolutely zero historical precedent. You’re grasping at thin air!” And that’s where you’re wrong, Karen. Back in the 1960’s the nation of Islam was at its peak influence here in the US. Among one of their many recruits was the then-heavyweight champion of the world (and who many consider the GOAT), Cassius Clay. Clay changed his named to Muhammed Ali in order to fall in-line with his new religion. While he had some press-pushback in pre-Civil Rights America, the media quickly conformed to his preferences. Ditto for Lew Alcindor aka Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Khabib Nurmagemedov enjoyed much American fanfare in the MMA community, as does current UFC star Islam Makachev. No modern sports-journalist in their right fucking minds would dare to use Islam-and any of its inherent views-as a point of critique when assessing an athlete’s character. Doing so would be totally haram (heehee, see what I did there?)
Reject pork and the media won’t beef…
Home Page 