Student loans; those two words strike utter fear in the hearts of millions across the country. It’s easy to see why; it is unable to be discharged via bankruptcy like credit cards, nor can the RepoMan provide abruptly-sour relief. Let’s face it, despite President Biden’s best effort, little has been done on this issue. One does not have to look for long to find videos of women crying into the camera lens about how student loan debt is making their lives difficult. This is a profoundly women’s issue since the fairer sex makes up nearly two-thirds of student debt. The debt is often eating their meager financial assets away.
These women are facing an economic cliff; soon all they’ll have left is their beauty, health, and fertility. Butwhat if I told you that’s all they need? Thus, I’d like to propose a new idea that has the potential to erase hundreds of billions of dollars of needless student loan debt within a decade, if it were implemented tomorrow. The best part? We already have the infrastructure and the technology to carry it out. All we need is the willpower to do so, sharpened pitchforks be damned…
The What
Essentially, there would be a program called Woman Indentured to Financial Erasure (WIFE). A woman in student loan debt would sign up to have her debt be purchased by a pre-qualified sponsor. In the WIFE contract, she would agree to live with her sponsor, forfeit all access to credit and banking (after all, that’s what got her into this mess). and hand over all of her forms of identification to her sponsor. She also agrees to hand over all electronic devices to her sponsor and to grant her sponsor access to or delete all of her social media profiles. She’d additionally agree to her sponsor having full power of attorney of her and healthcare proxy over her for the duration of the contract. The term of this contract would be a minimum of twenty years, though I’m open to longer terms; reasonable minds can disagree on the exact line in the sand. During this time, the WIFE would not be able to leave the arrangement, lest she pay her sponsor back plus the interest that would have otherwise accrued.
In exchange for her participation in this program, the WIFE will have her student loan debt wiped completely clean, with zero tax burden at the end of her lengthy service. How is this possible? Simple; her sponsor will be required to pay off her entire existing loan balance upfront before the WIFE begins the 20-year service term.
Sponsors would have to undergo financial verification prior to participating in the program. Their assets would need to be confirmed. After all, this is not a “debt-swapping” program, this is complete debt-payoff; full-stop. Thus, a sponsor having on-hand capital is a non-negotiable requirement. There can also be a net worth or income requirement. Again, reasonable minds can disagree on the metrics used, but the grander point is that the sponsor must be able to prove that he can comfortably afford his WIFE.
Sponsoring a WIFE would not prevent a sponsor from having a legal marriage with another partner as well; these two are independent of each other. However, this would not absolve the WIFE of the residency requirement. Who knows, a married couple sponsoring a WIFE could very much become a couples-bonding activity! Maybe attentive readers of mine will pair a WIFE with a reformed-program K-1 visa wife!
WIFEs will be legally able to hold a job, if their sponsor provides written permission for them to do so. However, paychecks will be deposited into an account that the sponsor chooses, as the money would legally belong to the sponsor. After all; the WIFEs prior financial mismanagement is what led to her current state. Sponsors may allow WIFEs to drive, but only if they assume any and all insurance risks of WIFEs doing so.
While I’m a Libertarian, I’ll admit that there is a need for a cap. A sponsor may only have one WIFE at a time. This is to ensure ample supply for all potential pre-qualified sponsors who want one. After all, the price is the WIFE-candidate’s current debt load. Thus, her price is static and hence independent of supply/demand forces. Admittedly, I have a social angle as well; there are plenty of men out there willing to sponsor a WIFE, and WIFE-hoarding by a few elites will prevent the wider societal benefits of the program.
The How: Intake
Prior to being eligible for debt payoff through the WIFE program, the WIFE-candidate would have to undergo thorough medical evaluations. A panel of doctors would have to confirm if she is healthy, and if she is not, then this must be disclosed to potential sponsors. The battery of tests would include an orthopedic exam, a dental exam, STD panel, a vision and hearing exam, an OB/GYN visit, and a genomic sequencing. Alongside this would be a series of measurements; height, weight, waist-to-hip ratio, body fat percentage, bra size, et cetera. The sponsor would have full knowledge of the WIFE’s condition prior to committing his funds to the payoff.
The WIFE would also need to pose for nude photographs prior to being eligible for sponsorship. Again, this is to fully empower the sponsor. After all, it’s the sponsor who is parting ways with large sums of capital and not the potential WIFE. Is there a risk of these photos being leaked during a cyber-attack? Yes. With that said, it’s either be a WIFE or have fun drowning in all of that debt. The choice is yours, honey…
The How: The Sponsorship Process
After uploading her nudes, medical results, and debt load to the sponsorship portal, the WIFE candidate would have no more visibility to the process. From that point on, it becomes single-blind. The program’s portal would have a search feature. Prospective sponsors would be able to search for a WIFE -candidate based on name, location, graduation year or other identifying information. In addition to that, the portal could also have a search-by-characteristic feature; maybe a sponsor wants blonde with C-cups or curly-haired Latina. The sponsor would be able to parse through the WIFE candidate’s info at his leisure (assuming that she has not been sponsored as of yet). The true fun begins once the sponsor sees a WIFE-candidate that he would like to move forward with.
As mentioned above, this is a hefty transaction. The WIFE-candidate’s entire debt load will have to be paid upfront. However, that isn’t to say that there wouldn’t be room for some negotiating. Private student loan lenders will be quite apt to play ball, as they do not have the monopoly of force that the US government has. If a woman is desperate enough to agree to become a WIFE, then odds are she was in default or wage garnishment. Private student loan lenders are often willing to negotiate once the situation gets this bad, and this is to the sponsor’s benefit. It’s not unheard of to payoff private student loan debt for thirty cents on the dollar if one is in default.
Federal student debt would be a bit trickier. Drunk Uncle Sam just came stumbling in through the door he kicked open. “Negotiate?” he asks with his whiskey-breath “I don’t have to negotiate shit! I can just keep her in forbearance and let interest accrue!” Oh yeah, Drunk Uncle Sam? Well let me ask; how’s that working out for you so far? Probably not very well if she hasn’t been able to pay and is in this situation. And you aren’t getting much from her, even if you garnished her wages and intercepted tax returns. Many of these females are planning to simply pay the bare minimum to run out the clock and just take the tax-hit at Year 25.
“Oh yeah, you think you’re hot shit, Dan?” Drunk Uncle Sam belches back, akin to a dumb Rick Sanchez. “I can just tax the forgiven amount as current-year income, you little shit!” Be that as it may, Drunk Uncle Sam; there’s one thing you’re overlooking. Given that these women are making next-to-shit wages, their tax rates aren’t very high. Thus, the Year 25 tax-bomb is less than you’re probably hoping for, Druncle Sam (haha, get it? Drunk Uncle). Thus, negotiating with a sponsor who’s offering you sixty cents on the dollar for her debt today would still be worth it, given the time-value of money. Or just refuse to negotiate and end up eating the cost, Druncle Sam, since you’re just not that bright.
Once a sponsor and the lenders agree on a price and the funds are transferred, the debt is paid off. At that point, the WIFE will be collected and delivered to the sponsor’s address. Upon signing for the receipt of the WIFE and her medical files/ID’s, the twenty-year service clock begins ticking. Sounds like happily ever after to me!
The How: Exceptions and Transfers
Sadly, it is true that not all sponsors will be good people, and the few bad hombres need to be accounted for. The WIFE can be removed from the sponsor’s home and placed in a temporary shelter in the case of severe abuse allegations. Assuming a domestic violence or sexual assault arrest is made, time that a sponsor spends in jail will not be counted towards her 20-year service clock. After all, the sponsor does deserve a fair trial under the law. If the sponsor is not convicted of a crime, then she is to be returned to him, at which point the clock resumes. However, upon conviction, the WIFE will be permanently removed from the sponsor. At which point, the sponsor is ineligible to sponsor another WIFE until release from prison and fulfillment of any other obligations (paying of fines, community service, parole, et cetera).
Karen shrieks from her heated-seat SUV “That’s right, Dan! And then the WIFE is freed from her contractual obligation!” While she would be, she would not be entitled to any of the sponsors assets, even ones accumulated during their time together. Why? Simple; it’s not like the WIFE was a legal wife; she’s a long-term lease. This also serves as a deterrent against false reports of abuse from WIFEs. Weaponizing the state is not an easy get out of contract card, and it sure as hell is not a piggy-bank…
Of course, there’s the more permanent way of severing the sponsorship; death. The twenty-year clock would pause upon the confirmed death of her sponsor. Should a sponsor die during the contract, the WIFE can be transferred to an heir listed in the sponsor’s estate plan (assuming the heir is legally able to inherit one). Time spent in probate court will not be counted against her twenty-year timer. However, the timer would resume once the WIFE is transferred to the heir. The heir will be able to enjoy the WIFE for the remainder of her contract term.
But let’s not be all doom-and-gloom, shall we? A sponsor is of course free to sell the WIFE contract to anyone he deems fit (again, assuming they’re of legal age and aren’t currently on parole). Only a naïve fool or a communist would think that a second-hand market would not form. Let’s face it, some guys who want to be sponsors might have lower-incomes or might have a MILF-fetish., thus a second-hand contract purchase would make sense. Assuming the WIFEs current sponsor and prospective buyer can agree on a price, then the contract can legally be transferred to the new sponsor. The new sponsor would then be able to enjoy the WIFE for the remainder of her twenty-year term. It’s the free market, people!
The Why
The WIFE program will solve a lot of societal ills, regardless of what detractors will say. Much lip service has been paid in right-leaning circles to the male loneliness epidemic. Richard Reeves, Scott Galloway, and other such brilliant thinkers have spilled barrels of ink on the topic. Suffice it to say that relationship forming is nearing its lowest point in quite a while. This is absolutely cratering our nation’s birth rate, which bodes poorly for long-term economic and geopolitical viability. Don’t believe me? Just ask South Korea how that’s working out for them.
Further upstream of the male loneliness epidemic is the male purposeless epidemic. There’s nearly 7 million working-age men who are not in education, employment, military service, or other types of training. This type of disengagement is bad for society; not only economically but for physical security as well. There are few other things more dangerous than large swaths of young men who own nothing and are frequently pissed off; ask me how I know that.
How does the WIFE program solve that problem? I’m glad you asked! It would give men a tangible goal to shoot for. Dangle the alluring prospect of being able to sponsor a WIFE in front of them, and watch men get off the couch and back into the economy virtually overnight. Trade schools would nearly burst at the seams, entrepreneurship would virtually rise from the grave, STEM programs and sales courses would be filled to the brink. Hell, dudes would even jump at the chance to take a secondary or seasonal job to scrounge up the cash. No more empty shelves at WalMart because nobody is on-shift to fill them, no more vacant sidelines at youth sports games. No more waiting 25 minutes for an Uber and no more understaffed bars during happy hour. Make no mistake, pussy is one hell of a motivator….
The women would even start participating in the economy much more as well; same behavior, opposite motivations. No more videos of pretty White tears on TikTok. Nope, watch these females take up second jobs or sign up for a Sig Sigma/Sales/Coding boot camp. Learn to budget or become a WIFE; I bet we’ll see much more women with a renewed interest in paying down their debts.
But make no mistake, thousands (if not millions) of sponsors would acquire WIFEs through this program. This would lead to immediate formation of families should sponsors choose to reject birth control en masse. The resulting baby boom would slowly pushback the tide of utter demographic collapse.
Goliath’s Attack
It goes without saying that this policy idea of mine would absolutely have some pushback. However, I dislike it when someone demonizes a nameless they, thus I’ll clearly identify my opponents and their motivations. After all, sunlight is the best disinfectant.
First, expect the feminists to rally against this policy proposal. They’ll be loud and absolutely furious. Only the truly naïve would be surprised by doxing attempts, character assassinations, and cancellations. For all of their volume, the feminists will be light on realistic and actionable ideas. After all, the leftists mind loves to de-construct but building is not their forte. If it was, then Silicon Valley wouldn’t have migrated to Texas.
However, there is a far larger and much more institutional roadblock to this idea. I’m of course talking about the Student Loan Industrial Complex (and make no mistake, it is an industrial complex). Current state leaves lenders making money by having the indebted stay in the red for decades at a time. A wave of student loan payoffs threatens their model. Thus, expect them to hire PR firms en masse to smear this policy idea. Hell, expect them to AstroTurf some feminist rallies and/or mostly peaceful protests.
However, there’s an even larger opponent that stands in the way of the WIFE program; BigPorn. Make no mistake, the porn industry is absolutely massive. A sponsor having a WIFE at his every beck-and-call will significantlycut down on his porn usage. BigPorn will not take that one lying down (heehee, see what I did there?)! Expect them to fund an army of lobbyists to bug the ears of Democrat lawmakers in D.C to vote against this. Putting a spotlight on the source of the money is crucial; expose the funder and you’ll expose the bias.
David Strikes Back
Scary as these titans may seem, they are far from invincible. A clever PR firm is an absolute must if WIFE is to come to fruition. The WIFE program can be spun as the single greatest women’s debt-relief program in human history. That talking point being absolutely true is another advantage to the program.
The WIFE program would have a tenuous, if not predictable, ally in Capitol Hill. Evangelical Christian Republicans would essentially have to back the program, lest they lose their voter base. After all, the calls of male loneliness epidemic and demographic collapse have largely come from the right-wingers; shout-out to Tucker Carlson! Thus, the PR firm from the previous paragraph can also run attack ads against Republicans who oppose WIFE. Do Republicans care about being called racist? No, but they live in utterly paralyzing fear of being labeled a RINO; the PR firm must weaponize that lever at all costs. Decades of Republican propaganda and marketing themselves as the pro-family party cannot possibly backpedal their support from this. What can I say; coerced allies are still allies.
The Knock-on Effects
Only a fool would posit that WIFE would not ripple throughout our culture on a large scale. One undoubtedly glacial effect would be on female college attendance. Expect it to either decrease drastically or change in other ways. Women would suddenly start filling community colleges in droves to avoid two years of sky-high tuition bills (read; future debt). The smart money would bet on women suddenly being more interested in chemical engineering instead of gender studies. Private universities stand to lose a lot of enrollment (and hence, expect them to issue stern anti-WIFE statements but take little meaningful action). This would cause public universities to take a larger share of female students.
With that said, the WIFE program would surely induce a chilling effect on women’s college attendance long-term. A generation of women growing up to seeing their mothers and older-sisters reluctantly agreeing to the WIFE program would certainly curtail young women from going to college and spending several years to change majors multiple times or find themselves. Instead, a different money-making path would be considered by many young women.
I hear the sound of wedge heels klopping closer. “Daniel!” Karen shrieks “What about the woman’s happiness?” Granted, I am no expert in this field, but allow me to speculate. I’d have to imagine that a woman’s outlook on life tends to change when she gives birth. I’ve been told that things that mattered to her previously suddenly become irrelevant. Would that make women happier? I won’t speculate on that. However, having a family tends to correlate with female happiness and being debt-free as one of their precious babies walks across the stage at high school graduation seems like a winning deal.
And now I’ll leave you with the wise words of Peter Lloyd…
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