Defund the Police; the liberal rallying cry during the Summer of COVID. It was a batshit stupid take during a batshit stupid time. However, pockets of these believers still exist, so we need to finally address that community. Rather than take these dipshits seriously, I’ll give them a proposal that’ll support their ideology, but they’ll bitch about it anyways. Don’t get me wrong, I want a strong police force, and those who don’t are either criminals or have been snacking on paint-chips.
My idea is that instead of handing their old hardware to police forces, the military would auction it off to civilians instead. And not just small arms like used Glocks and shotguns either. I’m talking armored troop carriers, ballistic shields, live grenades, the works. That screeching sound in the distance is the sound of the angry mob sharpening their bayonets pitchforks…
Who?
Some of you Karen’s absolutely insist on gatekeeping. Personally, I oppose this on principle. However, to make the idea more palatable-and hence more realistic- I’ll indulge this ludicrous so-called requirement for a bit. In this thumb-on-the-scale version of my idea, I would have only net-contributors to society who can pass a 4473 be eligible for the auctions. What do I mean by that? Simple; nobody who is receiving direct financial subsidies from the federal government would be allowed to participate. After all, the taxPAYERS are the ones who originally bought these toys and not the taxMOOCHERS.
Thus, everyone who lives in Section 8 housing, eats food paid for by SNAP, goes to college on Pell Grants/is currently taking federal student loans, collects Social Security, receives Medicare/Medicaid wouldn’t be eligible. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of exclusion to go around. C-Suite executives of companies that accepted bailouts or who paid $0 in corporate taxes are blacklisted as well. Ditto for the ultra-wealthy who did not pay federal income or capital gains taxes. Again, taxPAYERS and not taxMOOCHERS. Corporations and churches would also not be welcomed to participate either; the former can just write it off as a business expense and the latter never pays taxes.
But the auctions can be attended by creditors. Let’s face it, not everyone has access to capital. Thus, outside financing companies are welcome to set up shop at a military-to-civilian auction. Would I ever finance an Apache helicopter? No. Why? The interest rate on that thing is going to be insane, but it’s understandable. After all, in case of default, the repo guy is going to have a tough time re-claiming the item. Another option would be to simply limit the auction to those with a certain verifiable net worth and demand that full payment be made upfront before taking ownership of the item in question.
What?
What would be auctioned off? In short; damn near everything. Karen just dropped her $7 Starbucks milkshake coffee. “Dan, that’s utterly ridiculous!” Why? Military surplus stores already exist, so the concept clearly works; I’m just expanding on it.
Karen scoffs “So what, Dan, you want citizens to be able to own shoulder-fired Javelins?” Actually, yes Karen, I do. Allow me to explain as Karen has a heel-stomping conniption. As previously discussed, drone warfare is here to stay. Thus, the average American ought to be able to own a viable surface-to-air launcher that’s effective against low-altitude aircraft. As much as I love shotguns and birdshot, anything flying more than 100 yards overhead would be safely out of range of Ol’ Remington. With Javelins, misguided drone pilots, kamikaze flyers, and invading airmen would do well to strongly reconsider their targets.
Karen white-knuckles her Dolce handbag “What’s next, you want people to own flamethrowers too, right?” Correct again, honey. Tunnel-based warfare isn’t going away either, and the typical American ought to be able to have a defense to this type of attack. Flamethrowers are a great tool in this context because the fire would quickly consume all of the oxygen in a confined space, thus suffocating the bad guys. And in case you haven’t noticed, there’s a spiderweb of criminals that border our southwestern states who loooove to dig tunnels near people’s homes. Seriously, there’s multiple Vin Diesel movies on the topic of Mexican tunnels…
“Next you’re going to say that the government should auction off their used heavy machine-gun nests to the public, sandbags and all!” Karen chides as she glares through her Prada sunglasses. Yes, we ought to be able to own these too. The use case would be pretty easy; people who own homes with two or more floors. Place a belt-fed 7.62×51 turret with the barrel poking out an attic/top-floor bedroom window and watch criminals pick a different house to rob.
“Dan, that’s full-auto. You want people to have full-auto?” Yes Karen, I do. In fact, there are already ways for citizens to get their hands on full-autos. But if you insist on living up to your fucking namesake, then Drunk Uncle Sam can neuter these engineering marvels by making them semi-auto only. Why am I (somewhat) okay with this? Because forced reset triggers are a thing, regardless of how badly the ATF wishes they weren’t.
Karen continues to hurl nonsense “Well, I bet you want citizens to own armored troop carriers too, right?” Yes I do, actually. This would be an easy sell to soccer moms who are concerned about gun violence Karen. Think about it; you’d be able to chauffer the kids around to school and all of their activities worry-free. What’s your counter-argument; that they destroy roads, harm pedestrians, and are terrible for the environment? Well, I’ve got some uncomfortable truths for you, Karen…
Why?
Why do all of this rather than the status quo? Well, from a based-Libertarian perspective, the American taxpayer already bought these. Hence, the public ought to be the ones who should ultimately inherit these tools, and not the police. Karen shrieks once more “Well, why do you even need these anyways?” Besides the above-mentioned reasons, no citizen actually needs a fucking reason to own them. And even if they did, that’s nobody’s business but their own.
But I challenge the naysayers to think about this for more than two seconds; direct-to-civilian auctions would be a great way of phasing out a militarized police force over time. Why? Because as previously discussed, police departments would strongly consider the cost-versus-benefits of their enforcement actions. Raiding a heavily armed home over a few ounces of weed suddenly wouldn’t seem worth it anymore.
Haters and Solutions
Karen, and those of her ideological ilk, would oppose the idea because they’re staunchly anti-gun. However, they’re anti-gun to the point of harming their own cause. With that said, it isn’t impossible to get the blue-haired-brigade to support these auctions. A savvy PR firm must be contracted to run ads reminiscent of past freedom fighters. Images of Che Guevarra’s face and the Black Panthers of the 60’s, and modern Palestinians must be invoked in order to get the Blue No Matter Who crowd to not #cancel the auctions.
But in fairness, let’s not pretend that being Conservative automatically means one is based; it doesn’t. There’s a pocket of the modern American Conservative voter base that wouldn’t like this idea. After all, there still a lot of law-and-order types who Back the Blue no matter what. Thus, any effort to stymie the police-state would not be looked upon favorably. To combat this, the ever-reliable PR department must enter the chat. Ads that lean hard on personal responsibility, independence, and the military receiving funding from the auctions would do well with this demographic.
There’s another potential opponent to this idea that needs to be called the fuck out; loudly and openly; military surplus stores. Why is that? Simple; the direct-to-consumer model is bad for their business bottom line. After all, they are a current middleman, and most of these places aren’t even FFL’s since they don’t sell firearms. Thus, if this idea started to get implemented, they stand to lose a lot. Expect these retail stores to band together to run innovative anti-auction attacks. Just don’t expect them to innovate their tired-old business models. A savvy PR guy can clap back by saying that these established players are restricting consumer choice in order to fatten their profit margins (because it’s true).
Well-regulated militia meets shall not be infringed…
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