Popeye The Sailor Man is a perfect caricature of old-timey masculinity. Since Popeye is now in the public domain, that means his 1929 imagery can be used with reckless abandon. Thus, the Navy is free to use Popeye as a vehicle to not only boost in recruitment efforts, but to also harpoon its power around the world. Karens, sharpen your pitchforks as I postulate what a modern, unrestricted Popeye would look like, and why it would matter…
Popeye The Sailor Frog Man
One new version of Popeye can be that of a Navy SEAL. This is consistent with his character as being a dedicated sailor man. In fact, he’s needed now more than ever. Take for example in 2009, when a bunch of *cough cough* Minnesota residents *cough cough* hijacked an American vessel near the Horn of Africa. A scene like this could be re-imagined with Popeye being deployed into the deep waters. Think about it; he could be sitting in his living room, reading while he smokes his pipe when the phone rings; he’s being summoned for a mission. Popeye, being the consummate professional would calmly grab his rucksack as the scene fades to black.
The next scene would start in the mission briefing room as his commander goes over the situation. The next scene shows Popeye loading out; short-barrel-suppressed rifle, night-vision goggles, plate carrier, battle belt, and a can of spinach in his Kydex holster. To quote another public domain character; it’s a surprise tool that’ll help us later.
Popeye is dropped from a plane into the cold dark waters. Through sheer force of will, he swims to his objective. He uses his inhuman grip-strength, caused by his massive forearms, to grab a hold of the ladder rungs that the *cough cough* Minnesota residents left up. Once aboard, Popeye would expertly clear rooms and take out Jay-Z’s Niggas in St.Paul one-by-one. One of the skinnies would grab a hold of Popeye! But the affable Sailor Man would then proceed to use his superior jiu-jitsu skills to thwart the threat.
Popeye then arrives to the brig. But oh no, he forgot to bring the C-4 to blow the doors off the hinges! This is par for the course since it wouldn’t be the first time that the SEALs forgot a key tool Thus, Popeye busts out the Tactical Spinach and consumes it in a single gulp. Popeye would then pull the cell-bars off with his bare-hands.
But before that, we need a montage. This is where some real-life cameos would work best. Jocko Willink would of course be the best selection for Popeye’s jiu-jitsu coach. After all, few can think of a SEAL better equipped for the job and who has the upper-body might to compete against Popeye on the mats! Popeye would also be well-equipped for the endurance aspects of the job as he can be shown trying to keep up with David Fuckin’ Goggins as the pair run an ultra-marathon in Death Valley. Stay Hard, Popeye!
Though, nothing is certain and even the best sometimes get captured and Popeye should be no exception; hell it even happened to James Bond. Hence, a possible story-line could show Popeye leading a small team during an amphibious landing. Popeye would survive a firefight, but then quickly get surrounded. The supply lines can’t reach him in time, and Popeye is fresh out of ammo! Popeye gets a few crushing haymakers in, but then gets hit in the base of the neck with the buttstock of an AK and passes out.
Popeye wakes up in a dungeon, his fellow operators in adjoining cells. He could be shown over the course of a few enhanced interrogation scenes. He would tough it out at first, but after several sessions, he could be shown to consider breaking. Popeye could be depicted dipping into a crisis of conscience at being a POW; does he give the bad guys less valuable intel-hence starting the intel-feeding slippery slope-to get the torture to stop? Or does he hold out for the good of his fellow sailors? However, in his cell one night, he’s shown to actively choose to not break, and instead rally his boys to an escape attempt…
Popeye would again use his massive forearms to rip the third-world hinges apart, busting the door open one night. Once out, he’d get the drop on the night-shift guard, cartoonishly beat the shit out of him, and steal the keys to free his fellow sailors. Then, they’d sneak out Solid-Snake style to the prison’s motor pool. Popeye and Co. would hotwire an old Jeep and floor it for the gate. But soon, he’d set off the prison’s alarm. With freedom in sight, Popeye would stomp on the gas, and gun the Jeep to the border. Cue the Team America, World Police theme song! Hell, where do I sign up for the Navy?
A Modern Twist On a Classic Brand
With all of that said, some might say that culturally appropriating Popeye into such a tactical operator role would be going a bit too far. While I personally disagree with that statement, I’m at least appreciative of the notion. There’s also a practical benefit to keeping Popeye in a traditional sailor-oriented job; relatability. Let’s face it, BUDS is hard; not every recruit will make it and hence other jobs will need to be glorified.
An alternative is that of Popeye working on a submarine. Popeye could be shown doing all sorts of high-pressure/high-stakes jobs; such as using the sonar system to detect enemy submarines, rocky cliffs, or other obstacles. Popeye navigating the submarine through a literal minefield unscathed (save for the entire crew’s blood pressure!) would likely hit all the right notes on the Coolness scale.
One dramatic episode can depict a day in his life aboard the submarine; following him around the mess hall, at his job, and during his mandatory workout time; obviously hitting a new PR on the bench! Then, tragedy strikes; maybe The East Coast of the United States has been hit by a terrorist attack, or an enemy submarine has aimed its reticle onto Popeye’s vessel. Thus Popeye must act, and now!
Popeye would then be shown scrambling to his station: whatever that may be. Maybe Popeye is furiously plotting navigation coordinates into his terminal. Maybe he’s frantically preparing for the change in pressure that would naturally come with rising to the surface. Maybe Popeye is loading a torpedo during a surprise naval dogfight. Bonus points if Popeye is depicted as a Sargeant. Displaying Popeye the Sailor Man giving orders under duress with limited information would be an engaging way to show the rigors of the Navy while still be a glaze-piece.
More Than A Sailor…
Whether attending a SEAL briefing aboard an aircraft carrier, or inside the hold of a submarine, one thing is for certain: the ship he’s on would eventually have to dock at port. This is a great opportunity to let more of Popeye’s personality shine! Popeye could be shown hitting the local watering holes; chatting up local’s, downing shots like a champ, getting an ill-advised tattoo, the works. Bonus points if Popeye wins a local pub’s arm-wrestling contest; right after he crushes a can of spinach prior to the championship match of course!
But on a serious note, he is shown to be in a serious relationship for much of his original cartoon, and I don’t think that should change. In fact, much of his motivation for surviving many of these harrowing adventures (beyond the obvious patriotism and sense of duty to his Band of Brothers) would be the burning desire to see his woman again. Even on nights of debauchery at port with the boys, Popeye would be shown only willing to go so far. Popeye would turn down the advances of local prostitutes, even when his fellow sailors egg him on and indulge in these lustful temptations. Popeye would retire early for the night and hold a framed photo of hm and his woman together as sad music plays in the background, a single tear rolling down his face. Seriously, the Christian-Right would eat that shit up!
Haters and Motivators
I won’t lie; this version of Popeye will have no shortage of killjoys critics. The Karen’s of this world will go absolutely fucking ballistic; but hey, what else is new? The Kankle Crew would claim that Popeye oozes so-called toxic masculinity. Honestly, that branding (haha, get it? Branding? Because he’s in the Navy!) would only help to further Popeye’s appeal to the target demographic. Other cultural pundits might even say that Popeye’s short hair and muscular physique are all signs of White supremacy. However, the liberal Karen’s who are fond of crushing daily 1200-calorie Starbucks milkshakes seemed to have missed an important memo. Calling men who are young, fit and patriotic White nationalists hasn’t been the repellent they thought it would be. In fact, it’s done quite the opposite…
A vocal-though admittedly less serious-detractor of this motion would be other branches. They’d be jealous that our aquatic defenders would be getting such an OG as their hype man! However, these claims of unfairness would have dubious-at-best standings, depending on the branch. G.I. Joe had a big-budget rebrand starring Channing Tatum, and John Cena has played a Marine on the silver screen. However, the Space Force and Coast Guard would have more justifiable gripes. The Space Force is still known for being the punchline of sci-fi jokes at local bars. And then there’s the Coast Guard; they never get to have any fun!
Lastly, and certainly least importantly, America’s enemies would certainly be among the loudest detractors. The last thing that Vladimir Putin, Fat Kylo Ren, or Winnie the Pooh want is America having an even-stronger naval force. Truthfully, this is all the more reason for America to not only go forth with this re-make, but to dub it into other languages as well! Dubbing it into languages such as Russian, Persian, Mandarin, and Korean would be a great harpoon-point for this cultural weapon.
Conversely, using Popeye as a vector for American propaganda overseas would also work in the opposite direction as well. We can dub this animated series into languages of friendly nations to signal Hey, we’re on your side. Examples include Japanese, Korean, and Filipino. Ditto for Arabic so that America’s Middle Eastern allies like Qatar, the UAE, and Saudi Arabia can savor some spinach. Dubbing it into the cornucopia of EU languages would be necessary as well, though these episodes would end with a twist; a heavy-handed recommendation to increase spending on their militaries. Layer over imagery of Normandy or Putin’s invasion for maximum effect!
Waiter; I’ll have a can of spinach, with extra freedom!
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