It was recently announced that Bananas In Pajamas is getting a re-boot. With that said, the banana is so much more than a calorie-dense source of potassium. The Latin American import is also a symbol of an endless American hunger for a product that utterly titillates the senses. Thus, I’d like to suggest some cast alterations for the re-boot. Of course, we’ll keep the titular pieces of produce and their beloved nightwear for the most part. I’m just suggesting that they add some homies to their new entourage. After all, what kind of heartless bastard doesn’t want the Bananas in Pajamas to have more friends?
Whether it’s through Millennials and Gen Z still consuming animated content, or sneaky advertisers attempting to influence children, the fact of the matter is that cartoons can get away with being far edgier these days, even if the packaging is pretty juvenile. A high degree of color saturation and upbeat background music would be absolutely crucial to the fun atmosphere of the show. Furthermore, the delivery of the dialogue from the voice actors needs to be quippy, and at times a slight pitch higher than normal. After all, how else will this cartoon land on Cartoon Network Adult Swim?
New Friends
We can keep to the theme of Latin American imports and introduce the Dominican friend of the namesake nanners; Cesar the Cigarette. Cesar will have a permanent five-o’clock shadow and wear a black leather jacket, ripped denim jeans, and biker boots. Bonus points if Cesar rocks a silver chain as well. Cesar will of course be the muscle of the group, the one who’s unafraid of confrontation and is willing to dole harsh truths to the naïve nanners during their adventures. Cesar will roll in a classic top-down shiny red convertible that he drives with reckless abandon. Make no mistake; Cesar will be cool as fuck.
We can stay with southern hemisphere staples with the next addition to the cast, Sparky. Sparky will be a tightly-rolled marijuana joint. He can have a backstory that he got separated from the other joints that he came prescribed with. Much like Towelie from South Park, he’ll have a lackadaisical personality, often advising the sentient bananas to not take life too seriously, maaaaaaaan. Sparky will often be seen listening to Pink Floyd, Bob Marley, Snoop Dogg, or Wiz Khalifa as he eats junk food that would trigger RFK Jr’s rage. Let’s not forget that there are plenty of starving dispensaries that would love to have some ad space balanced representation.
We need to get the ire of Drunk Uncle Sam off of the tobacco industry and its adjacent products. Thus, I’d also like to introduce another character; Vinnie the Vape Pen. Vinnie will speak with a typical Southern Californian accent and love skateboarding, surfing, and all other types of action sports. He’ll be seen frequently changing out his pods in between flavors such as cotton candy, blue raspberry, orange popsicle, bubblegum, and so on. Vinnie will often egg the pajama-clad immigrants to cast their inhibitions aside and to just go for it, bro. Vinnie will essentially be a walking embodiment of YOLO.
Of course, it wouldn’t be much of a story if all the characters did was just have fun and party all the time. There must be a time when a serious task must be completed by the under-ripened rookies rocking their nighties. This is where Adderall Andy would come into the fold. Adderall Andy would have a nasally voice and glasses. What he’d lack in social graces, he’d more than compensate for with extreme intelligence and being able to sit still and focus on the task at hand. Adderall Andy would often be depicted writing lines of code until 3am or until the protagonists come to him for help; whichever comes later. Bonus points if Adderall Andy would have mild autism, but still be a good friend to the PJ-clad Pan-Americans.
Hard work comes in many forms, and it often has a physical manifestation. The main characters can have a self-improvement episode where they start going to the gym to harden their mushy physiques (because it’s never too early to push idealized body standards, amirite?). Thus, we’ll introduce their next new friend; Stackin’ Steve. Stackin’ Steve will be a tube of suspicious cream clad with massive muscles and a deep voice. Stackin’ Steve will serve as the personal trainer to the carb-heavy crew. His outbursts serving as motivation for the bright-yellow snacks to get one more rep, bro, ONE MORE FUCKING REP! There are more than enough quassi-ethical supplement companies willing to pool a few dollars into a PAC. Said PAC would then partially fund this show to ensure that Stackin’ Steve gets his time in the limelight, so long as his bronze tan is just right for the judges!
With that said, hard work needs to have some sort of reward to it. If not, then why else do it at all? That is where our next character comes in; Gerald Scotch; a suave bottle of amber-colored liquor clad in an expensive suit. Gerald will be tall-dark-and-handsome and be seen driving a Lamborghini or puffing a cigar. Gerald, in short, enjoys the finer things in life. He’ll serve as an inspiration for the Bananas to shed their pajamas, don a tie, and get their imported asses to work. Rise and grind, fruits!
I can hear the klopping of wedge-heels grow ever closer. “Dan!” Karen shrieks “All you’ve done is personify substances! This is highly unethical, you toxically masculine male!” Fair enough my overweight love; the protagonists should legitimately have some fruits and vegetable friends as well. In fact, an entire episode can be dedicated to the Bananas in Pajamas cultivating these new friendships. And I mean cultivating in the literal sense.
The Bananas in Pajamas would have an episode in which they start a garden in their backyard. The delicious duo would be shown buying brand-name fertilizer and GMO seeds from their local hardware store and then using it to start their garden. However, their garden would quickly attract pests and small critters aiming to nibble on their blooming buddies. Thus, the nervous nanners would return to the hardware store looking for a solution. The glorified retail clerk hardware expert would sell them a few gallons of brand-name pesticide, assuring them that it’s Generally Recognized as Safe. The Potassium Patrol would then start spraying down their garden with pesticides, ensuring their new friends survive until harvest. Hooray!
As you can see, there are plenty of interested industries that would be willing to help throw a few dollars into the production of this modernized version of Bananas in Pajamas. After all, such an opportunity to influence the next generation a wide customer base is few and far between for these industries. Alcohol, body supplements, legalized marijuana, tobacco are all ingestible products that would love to have some positive spin balanced representation in the media these days.
Shallow? Yes. Unethical? Yes. Worthy of three seasons on Netflix? Yes
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