Call me Staind, because it’s been awhile! Yep, below are a few ideas that have either hit me out of boredom or have been rattling around in my brain for a while now. Not quite full-length articles, thus I’ve decided to release them in yet another Scraps article. Sharpen your pitchfork!
Maximillion Pegasus is Epstein
Much like Jeffrey Epstein, Maximillion Pegasus from Yu-Gi-Oh! was known for luring minors to his private island under dubious-at-best pretenses. The island that Pegasus lives on itself is due for some much-needed scrutiny. Much like Epstein, his Neverland Ranch style island designed for children’s games had little in the way of actual law enforcement. This is displayed in a scene where Mai screeches out for help, only to be met with Yugi and his concerned group of Good Samaritan friends. Thievery was also quite common on Pegasus’ grounds. It was utter lawlessness when the grey-haired billionaire wasn’t involved. In fact, one could be forgiven for thinking that the grey-haired billionaire’s word was the only law on the island. Could’ve fooled me…
But let’s make like the Caribbean authorities in real-life and ignore petty crime. Instead, we’ll focus on the more heinous matters. Once on the island, the horrors became even more gruesome. Pegasus routinely stole the souls of children! Mokuba also spent time literally being locked in Pegasus’ dungeon; complete with leg irons. This was of course after Mokuba failed an escape attempt while being locked in Pegasus’ tower. All of this was preceded by Mokuba being kidnapped by Pegasus, solely to serve as bait for his still-a-minor older brother Seto Kaiba.
Yes, you read that correctly: the teenager was lured by threat of familial harm to a billionaire’s private luxury island. Kaiba, again under duress of familial harm, resorted to threatening suicide in a desperate attempt to enter the billionaire’s home. After Kaiba lost his duel against the grey-haired billionaire, Kaiba had his soul removed from his body. The pedophilia metaphor is quite heavy-handed, indeed.
And let’s not pretend that Pegasus’ sexuality was never hinted at . In fact, it was even mocked viciously by the ever-illustrious LittleKuribou for most of the 2010’s. While there’s nothing wrong with being gay, there is something absolutely wrong with a middle-aged man salivating for high schoolers. Just Pegasus’ real-life counterpart, where were the authorities?
Sadly, Pegasus was alive for much of the GX era, and was once again at his old tricks of recruiting minors. He spent an episode in the first season attempting to pitch Chumlee-a high school student-into his corporation. Undoubtedly, given Chumlee’s strained relationship with his father for not wanting to enter the sake hot sauce business, and being away from the school’s watchful eye, this was little more than an attempt to isolate the vulnerable obese minor.
The good news? Pegasus is dead during the events of Yu-Gi-Oh 5D’s. The bad news? His death is woefully under-explored in that series. Outside of a few passing mentions, he is not discussed seriously. How did Pegasus die? What happened to his wealth? Were those who were connected to Pegasus, such as the von Schroeders, ever scrutinized by the authorities? Without any concrete answers stemming from an in-universe explanation, we can only speculate. However, Pegasus’ track record does not warrant any sort of benefit of the doubt.
I end my turn. Now The Deep State will summon a hitman in Attack Mode…
By God We’ll Have Our Home Again
It all started with a random find on the algorithm. It was a video that explained non-verbally various political ideologies. Each ideology had various images of common items, logos, and people associated with the movement as music played. The song chosen reflected the mindset of the associated belief system. Nothing was actually labeled, but the imagery was clear enough that any politically savvy citizen didn’t need them to be.
One slide had it all; an anti-migration rally in Ireland, a photo of Tucker Carlson, and various other images to paint a nativist picture. But what drove it home? The song By God We’ll Have Our Home Again by Pine Tree Riots. Naturally, I chased down that song and gave it a full listen. And by God; this song goes hard as fuck. Like, a rally with your squad of homies hard.
Naturally, left-wingers just had to associate this song with White supremacy, because of course they would. The lyrics themselves don’t actually condone White supremacy or any of it’s other tangentially-associated beliefs. If you actually fucking read the lyrics, they’re pretty vague. Pussies liberals just make that association purely on the presentation rather than on any substantial basis.
But here’s the best part; the lyrics being written the way they are lend to its universality. Thus, with the right framing, the Left could hypothetically embrace this song. Or at the very least, the CIA can use this song as a means of soft propaganda to encourage seeds of nationalism amongst rebel groups in nations they wish to regime-change. Who am I kidding? We would never do that…
Be honest, if a Middle Eastern man of military age started belting out the lyrics in our own towns we’re foreigners now, our names are spat and cursed, the Left would be all over supporting him as they wave a Palestinian flag. Palestine is hardly the only conflict zone where this song could be used with widespread common support. Don’t bullshit me, had this song existed in the late 1950’s, Castro would’ve played this during his amphibious landing and his apologists wouldn’t have batted an eye. Don’t think for one second that Black activists wouldn’t be playing this in neighborhoods that were recently gentrified if they thought sharp minds like mine wouldn’t instantly spot it. USAID nut-huggers would crank this song for Ukrainian boots on the ground. Hell, play this in Taiwan and watch how quickly it gets censored off of WeChat!
Don’t raise false claims of racism. Instead, raise your fucking argument.
The Art of the Corporate Shitpost
I was sitting taking lunch and the news hit me like a punch. A security guard came up to me to bemoan that the breakroom TV was on the fritz again. This was hardly newsworthy. However, what he said next struck me to my core.
“Hey Dan, can you shitpost and get us a new remote?”
I chuckled “I’ll see what I can do.”
The security guard seemed to accept this answer, his spirits slightly lifted that I, “The Man”, was going to advocate for him. The exchange was a confirmation of my status at the company. I was The Effective Shitposter. And you know what? There’s an art form to this, and don’t ever let anyone tell you that there isn’t.
There are three legs to the barstool of effective corporate shitposts. The first leg is that it has to be factually correct. Not just that, but it needs to be the best kind of correct, that is to say technically correct. This next part is vital; it needs to be wrapped in humor of some sort. A shitpost lives and dies on its humor and correctness. The humor does not need to be early 2000’s Dave Chappelle funny, but it does need to be just funny enough to soften the blow of the ruthless accuracy of the shitpost’s content. Humor is the 16-ounce glove; the facts are prime Tyson’s fist. Got it? Good.
But there is an important third leg of the stool to an effective corporate shitpost; visibility. An effective shitpost needs to get fucking noticed. I know what you’re thinking right now: “Well, no shit, Sherlock!” Allow me to be the first to say that this common-sense principle is not commonly practiced. An effective corporate shitpost needs to get eyeballs. But not just any eyeballs, it needs to attract the eyeballs of someone who can make something happen. A shitpost is a scalpel, not a sludge-hammer. Context such as timing, channel, and hooking language matters. These all matter when it comes to visibility. There’s an art form to this…
Case in point; early June in the 2022nd Year of Our Lord. I showed up to work at the well-funded startup and it was National Donut Day: hooray! Except there was one major fucking problem; I was second shift and there were little more than crescents and crumbs left for us Vitamin-D deficient employees. Thus, I cracked my neck and did what I do best…
I logged onto Microsoft teams and culturally appropriated DEI terminology (look, it was the Biden administration, alright?). I correctly pointed out that the lack of diversity of donuts available for the night shift was appalling. I further mentioned that the distribution of donuts was rife with inequities and that I sure as fuck did not feel included. All of this happened on the company’s main internal Teams channel. Humor, correctness, and timing-relevant visibility.
The clacking of flats closed in on me less than five minutes later. A female executive (yes, that one) strode right up to me as if I had just ran over her dog. Her typical professional demeanor had been displaced by a sterner and more pointed delivery.
“[COO’s name redacted] had just instructed me to tell you that the 2nd shift donuts were on the way.”
Sure enough, two large boxes of donuts had arrived, specifically for my crew on 2nd shift! Nobody could’ve been happier, except for maybe Eli Lily. Another effective corporate shitpost. All in a day’s work…
Humor and Correctness are similar in this three-legged stool because they both structurally depend on the same concept; word choice. That is to say, it must clearly state a position and use divisive language that makes disagreeing or rejecting you an optically poor move. One recent example was my employer was ordering pizza for hitting a milestone. The Italian pies were coming in at noon? Just one problem; I’m fucking night shift! Once again, I cracked my knuckles and did what I do best…
I mentioned that I’m the leader of a majority-minority shift and that we’ve been systemically excluded from the pizza. In the same post, I probed, asking if it was a standard practice to systemically exclude a majority-minority team. Of course, like any good cross-examiner, I already knew the answer to that question long before I ever asked it. Suffice it to say, it wasn’t very long before the pipin-hot pies showed up for us night-walkers…
Wash, rinse, and repeat a few more times with company-wide emails about events and celebrations, and I was eventually confronted by my site’s HR rep. Did she have a warning letter in hand? Nope. Instead, it was an invitation to join the Inclusion Council. Yeah, I shit you not; my shitposting is so effective it got me-a cishet White male-invited to the Inclusion Council. Part of this committee involves little ol’ me advising global corporate policy. Many have since applauded me for my great advocacy, as if I just ended the war in Ukraine! If that isn’t A+ corporate shitposting, then I don’t know what is.
Shitpost like your career depends on it, because it just might…
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