Speaking from the heart is overrated. Yes, you read that right and yes, I’m serious. Speaking from the heart is when someone speaks with absolute sincerity, usually on an emotional level. It is often heralded as being authentic or genuine, often to the point of receiving blind kudos. However, speaking from the heart is typically a sign that someone is typically not sitting in the driver’s seat of the interaction. Alternatively, speaking from the heart is a sign of merely winging it or not caring enough about the conversation. Needless to say, both are sub-optimal. Make sure you sharpen your pitchfork to a razor-fine edge as I write another manipulative article.
Every time in my adult life that I spoke from the heart, it was a clear sign that I had lost control of the situation. One such example came several years ago at a job I was in. I was in the final round of a grueling five-round interview process for a promotion that I wanted, and this round was by far the most difficult. I knew what I was going to say heading into the first three rounds, and the questions in the fourth round that couldn’t be answered with a rehearsed response involved little more than cold cause-and-effect reasoning. However, the final round was different, I couldn’t rely on sequential chain thinking, nor was I adequately prepared. My blood pressure spiked as I had little else available to me than to speak from the heart. I could tell from the faces of the panel that my answers had some necessary pieces but weren’t sufficient. I had lost out on the promotion because I lacked a plan and chose to speak from the heart.
For interactions that I know are going to happen, mapping out what I’m going to say is my preferred plan. Self-awareness is key, and I’ve learned that I have a tendency to drone on and on if given the opportunity to do so. The harsh reality is that unless you are incredibly charismatic (like 2008 Barack Obama level of charisma), nobody will want to listen to you talk nonstop if they don’t have to. A college professor of mine (no, not that one) would start ruthlessly docking points for presentations that ran over their allotted time in order to drive that point home. “But Dan, I have plenty of people in my life who listen to me babble on for centuries on end” a sassy reader will point out; those people are exceptions to the rule and not the norm. They either have an agenda or love you unconditionally (and you should consider yourself fortunate).
A much more solid plan of attack is to understand who it is you’ll be dealing with. Once you have a rough understanding of what it is they value and their biases, then you can start to predict their responses an impressively high percent of the time. Once you get to this stage of wielding FutureSense, then you can prevent interactions from ever devolving to the point of needing to speak from the heart because you’re in uncharted waters. Anecdotal as it may be (an anecdote? Gasp!) but I’ve always found that planning out what you’ll say in a discussion helps to keep the discussion on track. Planned talking points are talking points that are yearning to be set free, and diversions from the main topic will only stifle that goal. A road with firm guardrails installed prevents drivers from veering into a ditch.
With that said, balance is everything, and not every interaction can be predicted. Life doesn’t work like that, as the great philosopher Mike Tyson proclaimed. Besides, there are nearly limitless ways a discussion can go, and attempting to map out every possible talking point before hand is a great recipe for paralysis by analysis (which is a civil way of saying driving yourself insane).
Ready for another hard truth? No? I don’t care, you’re getting one anyways (shout out to Ben Roethlisberger); chances are that you are not as quick-witted as you think you are. Hence, the odds of you being able to just wing it through most conversations, especially difficult ones, are pretty low. The same hard truth applies to humor as well. That one-liner in your head may sound absolutely hilarious to you, though in most cases it won’t have the whole room doubled-over in laughter. Very few people are as quick-witted as Charlie Sheen, that’s what made him special. Comedy is hard and you probably aren’t a natural prodigy. So, you’re ready to have a plan now?
“Well Dan, what are you saying? Are you saying we should never be candid? That we should all be constantly scheming like we’re in the pages of a Robert Greene book? I thought you hated Robert Greene’s books?” an observant reader of mine will ask. Firstly, no, that’s not what I’m saying at all. Don’t get me wrong, I want people to be more candid but just have a damn plan when you do so. Secondly, fuck Robert Greene; he’s a lifestyle pundit (eww…pundits) that doesn’t follow his own advice.
If you find yourself speaking from the heart on a frequent basis, it could also be a sign that your emotions are what’s controlling you, rather than critical reasoning or the power of FutureSense. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that we should all be emotionless robots, however speaking from the heart is a sign of desperation rather than control. Speaking from the heart also shows the other person your vulnerability, and being vulnerable all the time is typically not a recipe for success. Seriously, not even Brene Brown recommends being frequently vulnerable and she is heavily incentivized to peddle that message.
There’s also another reason that speaking from the heart is not always advisable; many times, we just simply aren’t good people. Let’s face it; we are greedy, selfish, vengeful, jealous, and just downright annoying at times. Speaking from the heart in many cases causes more harm than good. Don’t get me wrong; candor is good, however haphazardly saying whatever comes to mind is usually a horrible idea. Chances are, your delivery will be terrible, and the delivery matters just as much as the message.
Life is hard enough, don’t just drift aimlessly…
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