It is well documented that Vladimir Putin is a savant of history, specifically as it relates to his homeland. With that said, there are some fictional conflicts that world leaders would be wise to pay attention to, as they can serve as stunningly clear warning signs. For example, Putin’s current path will railroad Russia towards the dystopic and broken society of 90’s-era Pokémon. That screech you hear in the distance is the sound of millions of Vlad-bots and otakus all sharpening their pitchforks.
Admittedly, I’m going to use the 90’s-era anime and the first-generation Gameboy games interchangeably. While they aren’t exactly the same, there is enough overlap that the point will still be made.
For those not in the know, allow me to catch you up to speed on The Pokémon War. While never officially confirmed by the copyright holders, there has been a widely accepted fan theory that explains why the Pokémon society is in such a state of disrepair prior to the events of the first season of the anime/Gameboy games.
Basically, immediately pre-dating the events game/anime, the Kanto region was deeply scarred by a war in which Pokémon were used as bioweapons. While details are scarce on who the conflicting parties were or why they were fighting each other, one thing was clear; the war was lengthy and utterly devastating.
Think about it; there is little regional infrastructure to speak of in this 1990’s-based fictional world. There are no functional airports, highways, railways, or universities. The one shipyard present is hardly capable of moving commercial-level volumes of goods. Seriously, it’s as if the game would be more appropriately based in 1990’s Bosnia rather than 1990’s Japan. Hence, the protagonist of the game has to travel on foot through unkempt grass, poorly maintained roads, and other transit hazards that a peaceful society doesn’t have to deal with.
Noticeably absent is most of the male population between the ages of 16 and 65, save for Team Rocket and a few combat veterans lucky enough to survive this absolute meat-grinder of a war. In fact, the male shortage has gotten so bad that barely any of the children in the show are depicted as having fathers at all. Professor Oak has long been theorized to have been banging the protagonist’s mother while the player/Ash Ketchum is out exploring. But we must stop to ask; can you blame his mother? Oak not only needs to perform the last bit of scientific research in the laboratory in the desolate town, but as one of the last healthy men left, he needs to help repopulate Kanto as well.
This leaves Oak with little time to venture out of his laboratory to conduct ethnographic surveys, gather population-level data, or observe new species. Hence, he has no choice but to use literal unpaid child labor to perform his field work. Let’s not forget, being a Pokémon trainer is a fruitless and dangerous endeavor.
Seemingly, every child over the age of 10 has set out to become a Pokémon trainer. While there are a few high-school-aged teenagers depicted in the show, they are all also Pokémon trainers. Hence, the dropout rate in this society has absolutely spiked. This does not bode well for the economic or technological future of the PokéWorld.
Oak has little choice but to do this; there is little qualified workforce remaining. Even if there were qualified applicants, he sure as hell could not afford to pay them, as the economy as depicted in the game/anime is in total shambles.
Speaking of the workforce, it’s time to address the elephant in the room. The high rates of exploited child labor in scientific research and contract policing (you know, battling organized crime while not being on the payroll nor receiving healthcare benefits) is still not enough to fill the infrastructure gaps. Hence, women have filled these dangerous and strenuous jobs; shout out to Mike Rowe! While this is a true win for equality and feminism, these poor women are clearly overwhelmed, which does not bode well for birth rates.
“Ok Dan, seriously; what the absolute flying fuck does this have to do with Vladimir Putin?” As usual, Karen is off the mark with her angry retort. The better question is “What doesn’t this have to do with Vladimir Putin?” While pundits (eww..) are quipping back and forth regarding the Russian and Ukrainian potential peace deal, one thing seems to be widely-agreed upon; whatever resulting peace will be temporary. For once, I actually agree with the TV talking heads. Yep, you read that correctly; FutureSense predicts that Vladimir Putin will not keep his word on whatever peace agreement he signs. Given this, we need to extend this line of thinking out a bit.
Putin will regroup his forces for roughly 18 months. And by “regroup his forces”, I mean conscript even more unwilling males into the Russian war machine. The males who haven’t fled will almost certainly have a short life expectancy as Putin will attack Eastern Europe again. From what we’ve seen of Putin’s tactics in the three years in Eastern Ukraine, his main advantage will be to just overwhelm his victims with sheer numbers in a war of attrition. Putin does not really care about high casualty rates.
However, this will have a steep domestic impact. Given the sheer number of military-capable males needed to fuel Vladimir’s crusade to reclaim the former USSR, this will hinder the police force, the fire department and other key infrastructure points domestically. And who’ll fill these vacant jobs? Russian women, of course, the impact on their fertility be damned. Munitions factories will need to keep running as well, but who’s going to fill those vacant roles, besides women? None other than Russian children pulled out school; fuck their education. Sharpen your pitchforks all you want, but Russia isn’t exactly an immigration hotspot, so that option is off the table.
Russia will be left with a decaying infrastructure that has more holes to fill than skilled employees to repair them, a workforce of mostly high school dropouts, a largely infertile population of women, and an organized crime problem that will run mostly unchallenged (and sometimes openly enabled). These factors will ensure that scientific research will slow to a crawl, trade will become more difficult, and the Russian birth rate will collapse. Gee wilikers, does this sound like a certain 90’s anime?
Or Vladimir, you know, just leave other nations alone?
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