That’s right folks, we’re back at it again. This is yet another all-too-long running series regarding thoughts that have been kicking around in muh noggin. As I’ve established ,I have a moral obligation to bathe all of you in my special sauce. However, there are times that I’m able to make the point in not a lot of words. Thus, enjoy a sampler of sides rather than an entrée tonight.
Our Nations Pimps Have Let Us Down
A lot of ink has been spilled regarding the male loneliness epidemic. Generally speaking, it’s not a fruitful discussion to have. This is because the discussion normally is heavy on root cause analysis but light on any actual solutions. However, there is an elephant in the room that few will address; sex work.
I’ve written about it before, but sex work is absolutely real work. And while I don’t normally condone government action, I’d be a fool to not acknowledge the existence of societal attitudes changing and effective lobbying. That is where my bone to pick lies.
Our nations pimps and sex traffickers have had the chance of a lifetime to lobby Congressmen to get the laws changed, and yet they’ve not capitalized on the opportunity. Think about it; aside from the chance to use PAC’s to launder money (disclaimer; obey the fucking law), the pimps would easily be able to donate money to free-market Republicans and socially-open Democrats alike.
Think about it, widespread legalization of sex work would be a major shot-in-the-arm for the mental health of our men. The Scandinavians are a great model for this; they consistently lead the world in various happiness surveys, yet have really laxed (if imperfect) prostitution laws. This would also introduce market pressure on American women to not withhold sex from their generational counterparts. Why? Simple; they would no longer be the only game in town. It hardly takes a Wharton MBA to deduce that market actors tend to behave a lot better once a legally-protected monopoly is dissolved.
The conditions are ripe; shifting cultural attitudes towards sex work, feminists calling it empowering even as they destroy their futures and an all-too-willing customer base. Like, why has nobody who resembles early career Katt Williams moved in on this?
If it’s one thing more disappointing than anything, it’s missed opportunities…
Secretary of State
So, I once had this buddy Jack (not his real name). Jack and I had the same friend group, and one day we were all shitposting on the homies thread about what “King Jack” and his royal court would look like. Eventually, this transitioned into “President Jack”. And then…I saw my chance and pounced.
I eagerly threw my name in the ring. And jockeyed for an executive appointment. Not just any executive appointment, mind you; but a very specific one. I wanted to be appointed to Secretary of State. I can only imagine that Jack was furrowing his brow at this hypothetical, so I immediately followed up with my reasoning. I was going to use my newfound authority to combat the typical American ignorance regarding the rest of the world.
My plan at the time was to start by slashing the price of passports. Given that many embassy services are already pay-for-play anyways, the fee can definitely be reduced. Jack was sold on the idea and instantly agreed. However, current-day me realizes that this measure doesn’t go far enough towards my stated goal of a less ignorant populace. A bolder idea is needed. Lucky for you, bold ideas are kinda my thing.
Basically, my idea is to grant every passport owning American a one-time voucher of $500 towards a round-trip flight. The only catch is that this flight must be used for a foreign flight only. The goal of this is simple, to get more Americans to experience what life is actually like outside of the purvey of Drunk Uncle Sam as possible.
Why? Simple; we often take the peace and prosperity of the United States for granted. Everyone who states that America is an evil and racist land will be subsidized to visit whatever nation they’d like. They’ll quickly learn that it’s far from a utopia. Or maybe you’ll find that America’s military prowess is actually kinda nice. Or maybe you’ll find that we’re actually pretty fair. These Americans will return home and then start appreciating that we’re undeniably playing on Easy Mode. After that, watch society improve by leaps and bounds.
The klopping of wedge heels draws ever closer. “Dan!” Karen shrieks “What if Americans go to other countries and then like it? Hah, your plan would backfire!” But here’s the thing, my obese honey-bear; no it wouldn’t. If un-patriotic Americans get a taste of the rest of the world and decide to leave, that is still a net-positive for the remaining Americans. We’d basically be exporting our societal garbage.
Karen furiously throws her $7 Starbucks milkshake coffee at me. “Dan!” she’ll shriek once more “You’re always the first one to want lower government spending! And now you want to provide handouts? You’re a hypocrite!” Credit where it’s due, Karen is actually correct, at least in a surface-level way. However, I’d argue the fact that the benefits of a more patriotic and unified society (even if it means losing my canaries) far outweigh the cost. But hey, if Karen wants to discuss government expenditures, then I’ll happily indulge.
There’s an estimated 183 million US passports in circulation. Granting each passport-holder a one-time $500 voucher will cost roughly $92 billion. In isolation, that number sounds like a lot, and quite frankly it is. However, we need to view it in its proper context; relative to the US budget. My proposal would be a one-time cost of the annual budget of the Pension Benefit Guaranty Corporation. “What the fuck is that, Dan?” Yeah…exactly. It’s roughly 2/3rds of a single percent of the US budget. So yeah, we can easily afford this.
Karen has stomped off, but a wild Obama-era Republican debt hawk has appeared! “Daniel! We cannot afford this added expense!” Fine, Mr. Tea Party, I promise you that we can easily DOGE up the budget and find $92 billion to throw at this initiative. Do you want to know how I know that? Because we already did. So yeah..there’s no reason we can’t do this. Especially post-COVID, when we printed trillions out of thin air for handouts that accomplished nothing…
We have nothing to fear but ignorance itself….
America’s Biggest Ally in The Eastern Mediterranean
Let’s discuss America’s undisputed number one ally in the Eastern Mediterranean. This is a nation known for carrying rifles chambered in 5.56 NATO, and is a quite heavy arms exporter to the US market. It’s also a nation that isn’t afraid to quell radical Islamic factions in their corner of the world.
In fact, radical Islamic factions straight up fear this ally of ours. Survivors of radical Islamic regimes often report escaping into the militarized borders of this nation as their entry point towards salvation. For all of the bravado that ISIS claimed of a borderless caliphate, they quickly found out that the caliphate had one very hard border; the boundary of our number one ally. ISIS fighters saw the superior fire power and the overwhelming willingness of said ally to open fire, and wisely chose to respect our ally’s sovereignty. Wisdom born out of a terrified state of self-preservation is still wisdom…or cowardice. Either way, we’re measuring the results here, people!
Let’s shift to the Ukrainian war. This ally has also exported arms to Ukraine of their own volition. There’s also the plain fact that this ally of ours has a sheer naval dominance in their region that simply cannot be ignored. Vladimir Putin lost his entire Black Sea navy, and hasn’t even tried to sneak more boats into the Black Sea, for fear our number one ally would easily intercept and destroy them. If that isn’t Eastern Mediterranean dominance, then I don’t know what is.
Am I saying that this ally is perfect? No. But then again, show me an ally who is. No seriously, has this ally been accused of carrying out a genocide? Yes. With that said, we’ve already discussed the true meaning of that word; decisively winning a war. And excuse me, that is kinda what you want in an ally, no? Hell, this ally has a current head of state who’s a bit…shall we say, quirky? Some might even call him authoritarian. Our own government advises citizens to think twice before visiting this ally. But what do you want in a military ally; someone who plays nice? Or someone who doesn’t take any shit from his bad neighbors in any way, shape, or fucking form? Personally, I’ll take the latter each time.
Keep up the good work, Türkiye.
A New CIA-Led Social Engineering Proposal
I woke up the other day, when an idea hit me like a freight train. The secret to changing society is not through people less intelligent than me suddenly voting for a candidate I like. Nor is it through any deliberate action on my end. I’ll stick to historical precedent and current realities rather than “how it would be on Planet Dan”. The latter is clearly a pipedream, while the former is the far stronger case. Sharpen your pitchforks…
Essentially, my idea is simple; we get the CIA to approach our neighborhood drug dealers with a new social engineering strategy. Instead of cutting their product with fentanyl to kill American junkies, we get them to lace the product with female birth control instead.
Now wait, here me out. There are some benefits to the forced feminization of junkies. First, the kneecapping of testosterone of these criminals (because that’s what these people are, criminals) would do wonders in lowering the crime rate. The lower propensity of violence would also make the eventual arrests easier for law enforcement. Not to mention, the increased softness and sensitivity of the junkies once inside the pen would make the jobs of prison guards significantly easier and safer. Lastly, a softer freshman class of walking sentient fleshlights would make some ShowerDaddy’s quite happy!
Besides, we as a society pay a ton of lip service to removing the stigma around losers who choose to shoot-up. With that said, lip service is all that rhetoric really is. So, being on the side of Team “Embrace reality”, let’s go full bore into stigmatization. The long-term use of high doses of female birth control on men’s population would certainly have destructive effects. A hopeful outcome would be infertility. That’s right, we do not need the losers and downtrodden of society breeding and making more of themselves to further perpetuate the cycle. “But Dan: isn’t that eugenics?” Yes. Deal with it, pussy.
Even if infertility isn’t a guarantee, there’s bound to be other deleterious effects of these unwitting estrogen blasts. Primarily, it would likely spur on the growth of overt breast tissue in these users. A man walking into an interview with a full set of tits circa the end of The Hangover sequel would be a dead giveaway to a job interviewer that the candidate has poor decision-making skills. In a way, this would help companies avoid making a bad hire. You aren’t anti-economic growth,…are you?
Once more, the clacking of heels under way-too-much compressive weight draws ever closer. “Dan” Karen shrieks “Where on Earth would we even get that much birth control?” Simple, Karen, we would distill it from our water supply, since it’s already there. Don’t tell me that we can’t find an organic chemist and/or chemical engineer in this country who can’t figure out how to isolate birth control from tap water. Besides, the by-product from this operation would have yet another societal benefit; cleaner drinking water for everyone else.
That’s right; instead of the forced feminization of an entire nation of young men with chronic low doses of female birth control, I’m merely suggesting we do the opposite. We would induce the forced feminization of a much smaller population with much higher doses of the drug; a drug that they willingly chose to take despite knowing it’s harmful effects and non-legal status.
“Well Dan, this is completely unprecedented. The CIA would never actually try something like this” Karen barks from her HOA-compliant lawn inside the gated community. And she’d be dead fucking wrong. Crack open a history book honey, or ask anyone over the age of 50 about the CIA’s activities during the Societal Dark Ages aka the 1980’s. Yeah, that’s right; the CIA aided-and-abetted drug trafficking with the sole purpose of flooding poor Black neighborhoods with crack. So clearly, this is well within Drunk Uncle Sam’s playbook. And since we’ve established that I’m going to stick to reality with this idea and not be a should-head, it isn’t terribly misguided to think we try it again. It would be even easier this time. Why? See above; the chief ingredient is already here; no trafficking required!
Cry-then distill-me a fucking river…
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