Yep; we’re doing this again. I can practically hear the whining already. “Dan, why so many Scraps in such a short length of time?” These ideas have been sitting in the Notes app of my phone for quite a while, and it was time to either delete them or to release my special sauce out into the world. And if it’s one thing the world needs more of, it’s my special sauce dripping all over the faces and chests of my dearly beloved readers. Sharpen your pitchfork if that imagery triggers you…
Women As Heat-Sinks: Ready.Gov
Ordinarily, the flat rectangle on the wall serves as little more than a white-noise machine as I allow my mind to wander during lunch time. However, what I caught a glimpse of on the TV in the break room as I left the other day lodged itself into my brain; yet another government ad. This one was different though; it was a public service announcement regarding emergency preparedness. Holy shit…
The ad in question had a softer art form than many previous ads in this conversation approach the topic with. This one took an entirely different tone: eschewing blurred lines, a single-tone color palette, a jarring sound track, and 80’s action stars. Instead, sharp color contrasts, a cartoon-y vibe, elevator music, and MommaBear ruled the day in this latest ad rollout.
This ad truly spoke to me, in the fact that it was a tacit admission. Without directly saying the quiet part out loud, the mere existence of this ad conceded that Uncle Sam cannot and/or will not come to everyone’s aid, especially all at once. The fact this is now a government ad that made it to the airwaves means that this is no longer a fringe view.
Other recent Ready.Gov ads have a different art style, yet serve the same sensitivity. There is no mention of zombies, nor are they inherently action-packed. There’s an approachability to them, rather than an edge. And make no mistake, that was an intentional move rather than an oversight. Some of them are borderline quaint and endearing .
It used to be that the term “prepper” was a pejorative in polite society. People who didn’t rely solely on the government were slandered with all sorts of accusations and ad hominems. Attacks such as paranoid and crazy were common, as were the rhetorical questions of what are you so afraid of? and the classic why do you need all of that? The tide has now shifted.
The klopping of wedge heels under far-too-much compressive weight draws ever closer. “But Dan” Karen shrieks “This isn’t anything new! Back in the Obama administration, the CDC launched a Zombie apocalypse comic book to encourage this same behavior.” While Karen is correct on the surface, she’s forgetting a key lesson in broadcasting; the medium is the message. A web-comic has an inherently small reach because of the relatively-limited demographic that consume such media. Whether consciously or otherwise, the CDC from fifteen years ago was pandering to a largely young-male demographic by doing this. Combine that with the fact that the comparison content (zombies) were common in video games of that era and you have a recipe for an audience that would be inherently throttled.
But these new ads? I’m honestly here for it. Much in the same way that women entering video games took heat off of us nerds in the late 2000’s, MommaBears getting into prepping will have a similar effect. Seeing a middle-aged woman loading her cart at WalMart with cans of SPAM, LifeStraws, and jumbo-packs of assorted batteries is a major cultural heat sink. If you don’t believe me, go up to a local MommaBear buying these items and ask her what are you so afraid of? I’d bet my next paycheck that you’d get far more scorns than nods.
Let’s normalize MommaBear tossing some 5.56 NATO into her cart, so I can hoard pallets of it judgement-free!
An Ode to Christian Toto
I was perusing some audiobooks looking for my next lengthy listen when I stumbled upon a little-known writer named Christian Toto. Admittedly, his subject matter lured me in; after all, I am utterly fascinated by extremism. When I eventually hit play; holy fuck, I was not disappointed.
Both my old Write Club and the AI bots have levied the same criticism at me; that I weaponize word choice and that I’m inflammatory. This is often paired with the advice line of you should tone it down a little; typically given with the hope of reaching a wider audience in mind. With that said, the Zoomers were right in their slang; there’s absolutely levels to this. Christian Toto is an absolute blacksmith at the keyboard with his wordplay and his rhetoric.
So far, his crowning piece is Virtue Bombs, and by God he doesn’t hold back…like at all. The book was so evenly paced with relevant examples, heavily cited data, and word choice that hits like a fucking sledge hammer. With that said, it’s clear to a fellow pro that Toto isn’t merely doing this solely to farm Redditt karma or to be an edgelord; he’s doing it to drive home a point.
What’s even more refreshing is that the publishing industry has gotten away from Toto’s style of writing in favor of a more mass-market approach. To a degree, this is understandable as the few carry the many. Thus, authors wind up couching a lot of their language for the sake of palatability.
But in an industry of language-couching, it’s refreshing to see that Toto isn’t playing it safe. His publisher deserves some credit too, for being based AF. As I listened to the audiobook, I was only half-receiving the actual message. The other half of me was marveling at how forceful-yet-targeted his strikes were, not unlike Advent Children Sephiroth.
A sincere thank you to Mr. Toto for triggering my inner Yoda…
The Ultimate PacMan Boss
I was halfway through a shift at my toxic shitty job when I reached for a staple remover. Using my forefinger and thumb to press down on the two opposing jaws, I managed to make it actuate for its intended purpose. With that said, I was bored-as-hell hence my mind started to wander. The next thought that entered my cranium hit me like a freight train; this would make a great boss fight in a modern PacMan game.
Think about it, the metallic actuating action of the jaws, the supreme downward pressure of the fangs, and how they’re designed to rip permanent metal fasteners away is nothing short of utterly menacing to those who live-and-die off of their bite strength. Namco could realistically weave this in. I mean, Microsoft baked a sentient paperclip into their OS two decades ago, so how hard could it be?
Poindexter saunters up to me with his audible breathing “Well Dan, what would that look like?” I’m glad you asked, Guy-With-No-Life. PacMan could be re-designed as so much more than as a platformer game. It would be more akin to PacMan reaching a sought-after treasure at the heart of a tomb mid-way through the game, not unlike Lara Croft: Tomb Raider or Indiana Jones movies. Upon retrieving the item, PacMan would feel the stone foundation shift underneath his feet, the screeching metal-on-metal would draw ever closer. Suddenly, the wall in front of him gives way. The dust settling to reveal the fastener-removing-foe!
The developers would then offer the player an opportunity to fight the mighty metallic mandible. PacMan’s preferred power-up would be made readily available for the player. After all, the very same powerup has enabled our favorite non-White glutton to make quick work of previous ghosts. Thus, this new foe would be a cakewalk once PacMan is enhanced, right?
Wrong! PacMan would soon find out in a technically possible but way unlikely fight that he is clearly no match for the gigantic staple remover in his current form. His glaringly most obvious chance at survival is to drop everything-artifact included-and run for his life. What would follow would be a tense chase scene as the under-powered player dodges various obstacles as the rampaging remover is hot on his tale. One error in timing, and Mrs. PacMan becomes a round widow!
“But Dan, chase scenes in games against an outmatched enemy are boring!” Is Poindexter onto something in limited circumstances? Of course! With that said, both Ace Combat V and Metal Gear Solid V have had early-game examples of this working out well, so it’s definitely possible. The former had the player run away from the feared 8492 Squadron, while the latter forced Venom Snake to escape the Skulls in Afghanistan while under-equipped.
With that said, modern PacMan can absolutely take the same track as Metal Gear Solid V and Ace Combat V. As the player progresses through the game and levels up PacMan via consuming more pills and devouring ghost ectoplasm, he’ll inevitably grow stronger. At the climax of the game’s story, PacMan will reach the center of a maze-like structure and steal a rare artifact once more. Again, the feared Staple Remover will crash in like the Kool-Aid man. However, things will be different this time. Why? Because our favorite dark-room dwelling pill-muncher will be ready!
But make no mistake, this boss fight will not be a cakewalk for the player. After all, look at the aforementioned advantages for the Staple Remover; thick fangs, a fulcrum jaw that just won’t quit, and downward pressure that could crush stone. With that said, a glowing-golden-gladiator could cleverly counter and curtail the cursed encounter (yay alliteration!). Those with poor timing and crippling risk aversion need not apply.
Boys should step away from the controller and let (Pac)men handle staple removers…
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