My whole life, I’ve been asked if my last name was of Spanish origin; whether it was by a Spanish-speaker in America wondering if I was just a freakishly pale Latino or by someone in the EU wondering if I had dual-citizenship involving Madrid. However, neither of those hypotheses are true. My last name is of Portuguese origin. While I had/still have a great relationship with my parents, the Portuguese-American community is a very different story. Sharpen your pitchforks, because it’s time to have an uncomfortably honest discussion about the Portuguese-American community, because apparently nobody else fucking will…
It all really started in high school. It was the first time that I was truly exposed to large gatherings of Portuguese descendants. And that is where the ethnic gatekeeping first started. Upon discovery of someone with a Portuguese-sounding last name, the eventual questioning begins. I’ll refer to the probing Portugies (hey… I get to use that ethnic slur!) as Inquisitors because, let’s be honest, that’s how they view themselves. Undoubtedly, the Inquisitors learned these heinous attitudes from their Boomer Portugie elders.
The Inquisitors always start by tracing genealogy. It always starts by asking if one is 100% Portuguese. If the answer is a No, the exclusionary scrutiny intensifies greatly. Inquisitors then start asking which parent of yours was Portuguese. For the record, Portuguese mothers score higher in the Inquisitor’s scorecard than Portuguese fathers; more on that later. After establishing that, the Inquisitors push further, enquiring if the interrogation target’s genetic percentage. For context, anything below 75% constitutes not really Portuguese; ask me how I know. The only other group of people who are that obsessed with genetic ethnic percentages wear pointy white hoods and gripe about the rising price of kerosene…
Genetic gatekeeping isn’t the only tool that the Inquisitor’s have at their disposal; they also love their linguistic purity. Needless to say, Brazilian and Cape Verdean dialects (and their speakers) are immediately ruled as sub-human by the Inquisitors. Ditto for Portuguese-descendants who only speak English (because, you know; This is America).
Nope, the real debate is Continental versus Azorean Portuguese, with discussions fiercely insisting the supposedly irreconcilable differences between the two dialects. One would think by listening to these self-segregating conversations that someone from Lisbon would be relegated to grunting like a caveman in Ponta Delgada. The consensus is unclear even amongst Inquisitors as to which dialect-and hence, group of people- is more ethnically pure authentic.
Of course, the Inquisitors don’t stop there; they never fucking do. Regular consumption of ethnically-Portuguese meals is seen as a necessary condition for basic human decency acceptance. This goes hand-in-hand with Portuguese mothers being weighted more heavily than Portuguese fathers in the eyes of Inquisitors. Let’s set aside what the feminists would say about the gender-role implication of inquisitors; Inquisitors love asking probing questions regarding the consumption of sweet bread or linguica. Blank stares or admissions of not very often serve as a cyanide pill for those hoping for a little compassion.
The Inquisitors of course have more weapons at their disposal when an un-pure Portugie is in their crosshairs. The Inquisitors also love asking their discrimination victim if they’ve ever been to Portugal. Mind you, this is not done out of any genuine cultural or intellectual curiosity. Nope, instead it’s yet another purity test. Those who weren’t born in Portugal and were too poor to afford a trans-Atlantic vacation are systemically excluded from mere personhood entrance into the in-group. Inquisitors are basically the Iberian version of Disney Adults.
For all of their tunnel-vision the Inquisitors definitely have blind spots. For example, it wasn’t until I was an adult that I learned that the Azores were uninhabited islands until the Portuguese had settled them. Hence, every Azorean can eventually trace their lineage back to mainland Portugal. Let me repeat that again for the totally-not-racist Inquisitors and those who snack on paint chips sweet bread: every Azorean can trace their lineage back to mainland Portugal. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk…
But for the sake of argument, let’s say one somehow does miraculously jump through all of these flaming hoops that the Inquisitors set up and gain acceptance into the clique; now what? I’ll tell you what; be prepared for a lot of living in the past (a loser trait). But not like, all of the past; just certain bits. Those certain bits almost exclusively revolve around Atlantic naval and fishing dominance of centuries long past or slack-jawed simping for a return of the Monarchy (that’s not a joke, by the way). Noticeably absent from any such discussion is the mention of Salazar. In fact; that topic is so taboo that I, again, didn’t learn about it until I was an adult, and that was through independent searching. If you’re going to live in the past, at least teach all of the history…
However, the economic and cultural tides have pulled back on the Inquisitors purist crusades. Inquisitors I went to high school with who once dubbed me not really Portuguese started sending me invitations on Facebook to events regarding the local diaspora. These were often under the guise of keeping a Portuguese-language church or recreation center open, or a passionate plea to patronize a Portuguese-cuisine café struggling to keep its doors open.
Of course, YAH BOI rejected all of these invitations on principle. I find it a positive thing that those who actively seek to exclude are losing their small businesses, community spaces, and places of worship. I haven’t shed a single goddamn tear as these Hallowed Halls of Hatred closed their doors for good. My hope is that the stubborn bastards (a stereotype that Portuguese are known for in the subculture) will finally get it through their thick fucking heads that change is necessary. I doubt it, but we need to keep that possibility open in case the Inquisitors have a change of heart and decide to stop being racist pieces of shit.
And by “we”, I mean “somebody else”; consider that bridge officially burnt, Inquisitors.
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