One of these days, I’ll become good at fleshing out long-held thoughts. Until that day magically arrives, you’re stuck with these scraps. Enjoy!
The Obvious Solution to Phone Usage in School
Just like with nuclear power, I’m sick and tired of society pretending that there isn’t a solution to the problem of distracted students in classrooms. Honestly, it’s like I’m the only one who sees it, so it looks like I’ll have to call it out. You idiots want the solution? Fine. Here it is: shut off the goddamn WiFi router!
The room has just fallen silent immediately after I unleashed that proverbial full-auto volley fire. Now that the dust is starting to clear from that incredible shock-and-awe, let me explain. This solution is a tried-and-true method of getting students off of their phones. Wanna know how I know this? Because it’s what we did in the late 2000’s.
“But Dan, what about the teachers? They’ll need internet access in order to do their jobs!” Karen screeches from the podium of the PTA meeting. Well firstly, Karen: it’s nice to see that you’re actually backing the teachers for once. Teachers absolutely do need internet access. Fortunately, and this is an important detail: ethernet cables fucking exist! Not only that, ethernet cables are pretty cheap now, so for all except the most destitute of school districts, this is a pretty workable solution. Act like it’s 2006 and plug an ethernet cable into the teacher’s desktop. It honestly isn’t that complicated.
“But Dan, that won’t completely solve the problem!” Karen shrieks as she angrily throws her 700-calorie Starbucks milkshake coffee at me. As I Matrix-dodge her Starbucks order that she just airmailed, let me reply. Yes, let students burn through their parents data for the first month or so after the WiFi is shut off. After that, the true magic of my ingenious idea starts fully taking effect. How? Walk with me in your overpriced Gucci heels, Karen.
When the utility provider known as Mom and Dad start getting slapped with far higher monthly bills due to little Junior’s incessant phone use, rest assured that change will be both swift and abrupt. The only students who’ll be scrolling the dumbest app ever are the ones whose parents sprung for an unlimited plan. Even then, network providers (actual telecom companies, not Mom and Dad) punish heavy users by choking speeds. Thus, even students who have the most enabling parents in town will still have their use fall off a cliff.
Seriously, the answer has been there this whole time.
Bring War Bonds Back
As mentioned before, I don’t like neocons. And I’m hardly the only one. Thus, in order to prevent America from getting involved in future Forever Wars, we need a way to ensure that Washington only launches wars that Americans actually support.
First, we would need to slash the military budget dramatically. We would have to gut it to the point of forced re-prioritization. There would pointedly not be enough budget to mobilize troops whenever Drunk Uncle Sam feels like it. Thus, Drunkle Sam will have to make up the difference. How will he do this, you ask? Easy, by bringing back war bonds.
As the title suggests, we ought to bring back the war bonds from WWII. If Drunkle Sam wants to invade liberate another nation, then he’ll have to petition the public to pay for it…with interest. This is the most direct way of gauging popular support for a war (something missing from our current conflict). It has the added benefit of those who passionately want the war can be the ones to solely pay for it.
Despite my usual Libertarian instincts, I’ll admit that some guardrails are needed. First, these will be available for individual investors only. This would lock out corporations, PAC’s, retirement funds, and foreign governments (lookin’ at you, Bibi!) from thumbing the scale. While I wouldn’t put a cap on how much an individual can buy, I definitely advocate for a headcount minimum before mobilization. I admit that I’m flexible on the exact number, but more than half of voting-age adults must have bought a war bond in order for military action to take place. My intent is to gatekeep wars that do not have wide public support from being launched.
My reason for letting individuals buy as much as they want is to provide the Pentagon with a hard limit. Once the money is gone, that’s it. There will be no more funding for their bullshit pet projects spreading of democracy unless the Pentagon can sell more war bonds. Thus, this will require Drunk Uncle Sam to continue to engage the public and persuade us as to why we should keep funding these conflicts.
However, to entice investors, we’ll offer some perks. Namely, the payments on war bonds would still occur regardless of government shutdown status. The Department of Defense already does this, so it isn’t exactly an uncommon practice. Payments would also take priority over welfare spending such as EBT, Section 8 housing, needle exchanges, methadone clinics, and other liberal handouts compassion care.
Don’t tell me the idea doesn’t work when we literally did it before.
On Columbus Day; An Olive Branch to the Wokies
I was in a casual discussion the other day when the topic of Columbus Day came up. Since this was in a room with a mixed crowd, there was the usual partisan degradation; Wokies called Columbus a genocidal maniac and renamed the day Indigenous Peoples’ Day. The self-appointed MAGA representative extolled how Columbus is one of the five greatest men to have ever lived. Of course, neither claim is true. However, one thing is for certain, the holiday shouldn’t be celebrated.
Setting aside the downstream impacts of Columbus’ landing, there’s still a lot for an American nationalist to not like. Columbus was funded by a monarch of a nation that he wasn’t a citizen of to go on his little boat ride. Try running a contractor mission for a foreign government today and watch how quickly terms like treason get thrown around! He landed in the Caribbean and thought he was in India. Somewhere along the way, he gets credited with discovering the North American landmass, even though Leif Erikson did that several hundred years before Columbus.
So, instead of celebrating a traitorous foreign agent, I think we ought to promote a genuine hallmark American achievement into holiday status. My suggestion: June 6th. That’s right: we ought to make D-Day a federal holiday. It was one of America’s finest moments; forcefully taking the beachhead from the Nazis in Normandy circa 1944.
There’s already a ton of cultural gravitas behind the event. World War II documentaries basically never stop selling. Saving Private Ryan’s opening scene is nothing short of iconic. The original Call of Duty portrays the event in the game’s opening mission. If more marketing for the holiday switch is needed, then pitch it to liberals as Remember when America stood up to fascist Nazis?
Reject foreign agents. Embrace American exceptionalism…
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