Not to brag or anything, but my talent for writing was discovered rather early. I had ana amazing English teacher during my junior year of high school and I have many fond memories of her class. One such exercise stood out more than the rest. This intentionally-nameless teacher told us to write our own obituaries as a creative exercise; we could place the event as far or as close into the future as we pleased. Similarly, we could make the cause of death as somber, believable, or wacky as possible. She also required us to write about our life’s accomplishments.
TeenageMe took to the task with absolute vigor. The result was that I died on my 100th birthday. The cause; street racing a Volkswagen Beetle (wamp wamp) against one of my best friends on the boulevard near our high school. I got into a massive wreck much like Dominic Toretto at the end of the greatest film ever made. Unlike Vin Diesel, I didn’t survive the impact (see above; elderly).
As for my resume, it was both impressive and relatively short. I posited in that hypothetical obituary that I graduated as a five-star offensive lineman recruit. I then played college football at a Power 5 juggernaut, racking up three Heisman Trophies while I played left tackle (the most unrealistic part of that piece!). I then played 20 years in the NFL as a left tackle, making 18 consecutive Pro Bowls (my rookie and final years were both brutal). At the time of my retirement at 45, John Madden (RIP) had dubbed me the greatest offensive lineman ever. Then, as a wealthy forty-something, I stopped working for the rest of my life and enjoyed a relatively frugal life in a small town until my death.
Fast-forward to the other day and I was bored out of my mind, the thought hit me; why not update it? After all, current-day me is far different than who I was as a sixteen-year-old. Another part of me is curious how well that I could write in a voice that isn’t particularly my own. Thus, even the razor-sharp pitchfork crowd can hopefully sit back and cheer on this article. Don’t ever say that I never did anything for ya!
Congressman, 4 Others Slain In Apparent Car Chase, Gun Fight
(Rochester, NH; March 12th, 2056) Congressman Daniel Espinola (NH-2) passed away suddenly on Sunday evening under mysterious circumstances. His Volkswagen Golf-R was found overturned, burnt, and riddled with bullet-holes when police had arrived to the scene. Also found at the scene were the bodies of four other masked men believed to have been shot by the Libertarian Congressmen in self-defense; their names have been withheld pending investigation. The local Chief of Police has confirmed foul play as several hundred spent 5.56 NATO and 9mm shell casings were strewn around the quiet swerving road. Skid marks from three other vehicles were found at the scene, as were faint trails of motor oil, blood and broken glass as the three other vehicles allegedly fled.
Three blacked-out Audi’s were found abandoned in a local ditch roughly two miles away. There were no license plates, registrations, or personal items found in the three brass-riddled vehicles. Ballistics testing is underway at the New Hampshire Crime Lab in Dover.
Local residents who witnessed the event described what seemed like Espinola’s black Golf R being chased by the three Audi’s, all of whom driving erratically. During the high-speed chase, Espinola lost control of his Golf R while attempting evasive maneuvers, thus causing it to flip over. Observers reported that the three cars stopped suddenly and several men clad in black suits got out of the vehicles. What immediately followed, according to residents, was a hail of automatic gunfire. Several eyewitnesses report that the oft-banned author crawled out from the wreckage of his car amidst the chaos and returned fire as gasoline trickled out of his tank onto the pavement below.
The ensuing firefight left the Libertarian Congressman and four of his accused pursuers riddled with bullet holes as he hit the pavement. Onlookers stated that several Good Samaritans attempted to render aid to the Congressman, though were unable to save him.
“The last thing he said as he death-gripped my shoulder was something about Accredited investors being a bullshit concept and to not let the SEC win, or something like that?” said one local man as he tried to pack the Congressman’s wounds. Espinola soon lost consciousness and died minutes later as paramedics arrived.
Investigators would not publicly comment on a possible motive on the crime, though many speculate on the root cause. This shooting came two days before the upcoming vote in Washington on shrinking the federal budget. The bill included several key provisions that Espinola spent his political career championing such as abolishing FEMA, cutting foreign aid to ethnostates, and repealing the Patriot Act. Frequently hailed as a trailblazer, Espinola was one of the first prominent Libertarians elected to the House of Representatives, thus ushering in the modern tri-party system. Among Espinola’s many political victories on Capitol Hill are the successful passing of the Homestead Landmine Act, the abolition of 401k contribution limits, and the legalization of original recipe Coca-Cola.
Online reaction to the sudden passing of Espinola has been mixed. Supporters of his were found deeply mourning the loss as sales of 9% IPA’s, dark russet potato chips, mirror-reflect aviators, and refurbished PlayStation1 consoles have skyrocketed. However, TLC executives, Gavin Newsom, and a discount tire salesman have all posted upbeat dance videos on social media in response to the news of the Congressman’s apparent murder.
Espinola is survived by a contractually obligated student loan WIFE thirty years his junior and their six children, all of whom named Ignacious
Benjamin Netanyahu, The Chairman of the SEC, John Oliver and LinkedIn have all refused to comment on this story, nor have any of them publicly condemned the event or denied involvement…
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