I won’t go into details here, but recently I was added to a new group texting thread, one where I’m the only male. Thus, whether I ask for it or not, I get all of the updates regarding the Lindsey Clancy trial. I find the topic to be an absolute bore for a simple reason: this whole trial is completely immaterial. This is because she already used the insanity defense. Thus, even if found not guilty, she’ll be confined to an insane asylum for the rest of her fucking life. Phrased another way: guilty means an orange jumpsuit and not guilty means a straitjacket with no other differences. Thus, the result of this trial literally doesn’t matter. However, this hasn’t been a popular sentiment. Thus, I’ll indulge the PinkParty with a hot take.
FutureSense predicts that Massachusetts will absolutely ignore DEI when selecting a new jury. They’re so hellbent on reaching a solid verdict that they will stack the jury as much as they can get away with in order to do so. When the publicly elected district attorney wants to pad his conviction record, all Wokeness and DEI quotas will fly out the window. Gotta stat-pad to get re-elected, amirite?
With that said, I’d like to recommend a jury roster that meets DEI requirements and will most likely avoid a hung jury. Will my ideas fit neatly within the DEI framework, even if maliciously so? Yes. Will Massachusetts actually follow my ideas? Fuck No. As always here on espinola.blog, I’ll make sure to say the quiet part out loud with all of my picks. Just remember: those who voice opposition to this recommended jury roster open themselves up to total social ostracization amongst their pierced-septum peers.
Domestic
First, we’ll need to start with having at least a low-income and lowly-educated Black woman, one who is on several forms of public assistance. Why? Simple: she would be incentivized to cherish children insofar as large numbers of children enable her to bilk the state (dead children deflate welfare payments, as Tupac once rhymed). Also, her racial background will play a heavy hand in ensuring that a firm verdict against a White oppressor is reached. Chances of a hung jury: about the same as her being able to afford her weave without Klarna.
Speaking of Black Americans: another member of the jury needs to be a Black man with numerous convictions under his belt. Why? Simple: he clearly has a high likelihood of being back inside the courtroom in his near future as uber-leftist states love recidivism. Thus, when he winds up back in a cell (for however short that winds up being; liberal states, amirite?), he’ll want a fresh piece of prison pussy. This is because Massachusetts allows non-gender aligning housing of inmates. Chances of a hung jury: same as Charles Barkley had of beating MJ in the ’93 Finals.
We will also need an LGBTQIA+KNDVKJNSDFSDKN member of the jury, again, one who is preferably low-income. This would remove the in-group bias of Clancy’s gender and income demographic peers from the mistrial. Make no mistake, this blue-haired amorphous blob’s ever-changing gender identity would ensure that it has zero permanent loyalties. Zero permanent loyalties will ensure that it can be trusted to view the evidence against the cis-hetero Clancy objectively. Odds of a hung jury. the same chance of they/them being accepted in Palestine.
However, Clancy is entitled to a jury of her peers; we cannot completely exclude White women. Thus, I propose a cishet jury member who visually looks like Clancy. However, there is a twist; she would be a dyed-in-the-wool MAGA Republican, complete with the red hat. This would remove the in-group bias that many of Clancy’s most recent jurors seem to have been plagued with. The MAGA agenda has been heavy on tough on crime rhetoric. Chances of a hung jury: about as likely as this juror is to condemn the war in Iran.
While we’re on the topic of Clancy being entitled to a jury of her peers: let’s talk about liberals. The new jury needs to include at least two members who are fellow Democrats: one man and one woman. After all, this is Massachusetts we’re talking about. However, I offer this with a single caveat: the liberals in question must be at least 70 years old. Why? No-brainer: these liberals have seen a lifetime of classic Democrat policies, most notably the Bill Clinton/Senator Biden policy of being tough on crime that formed-and calcified- in their youth. The addition of Boomer-liberals avoids the ensuing cries of ideological exclusion. Basically, left-swipe Hasan Piker and right-swipe Bill Maher. This would make quick work of deliberations! Odds of a hung jury: the same chance of Massachusetts going Republican in 2028.
Imported
Next, we’ll absolutely need to include a Muslim migrant. Or better yet, two: a Muslim man and a Muslim woman. This is vital because it entirely avoids the heavy Catholic and Orthodox Christian bias that others have previously mentioned with the current jury. Their background places heavy emphasis on adherence to social norms, and thus they will not hesitate to advocate for a behavioral correction to perceived injustices, especially social faux pas committed by women. Chances of a hung jury: the same as them eating a bacon-wrapped hot dog.
Another key component of the jury will need to be a middle-aged Indian man. Not only will his engineering prowess (dude…let’s be honest here) enable him to critically observe evidence, but his cultural background will be a force to be reckoned with. While India is a nation known for lax enforcement of laws, it is also a patriarchal society where female misbehavior is not tolerated. Chances of a hung jury: about as likely as peace with Pakistan.
Rounding out the Asiatic roster, we would need a Chinese immigrant man on the jury. Why? Simple: He comes from a culture of harsh state punishment, adherence to community norms, and the normalization of a police state. China is well known for its patriarchal culture in which women are essentially second-class citizens (only a half-step above Uyghurs, truthfully). Therefore, punishing misbehaving women is not a concern for this juror. Additionally, decades of animosity regarding his origin country’s one-child policy cause him to cherish the lives of children even more. This molds a juror who won’t be afraid to reach a firm conclusion. Chances of a hung jury: about the same as Taiwan’s sovereignty being respected.
Two key components of the jury will need to be migrants (again, one man and one woman) who were flown to Martha’s Vineyard. Why? Easy: newcomers to the high-income neighborhood are highly unlikely to have the same in-group bias that the current jury seems to have such an issue with. Factor in the highly family-oriented cultures of Hispanic countries and you’ve got jurors who’ll be willing to observe the details of the case for what they are. Chances of a hung jury: about the same as Trump actually building a border wall.
And now, I’ll leave you with the wise words of Malcolm X…
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